Penguin Attack Drones and Other Flightless Birds

“Uh Lola” said someone in the darkness of the Alaskan morning, while someone else said softly “You aren’t interrupting my beauty sleep again, are you?”

“I’ve been thinking about our current lifestyle, and it might be prudent if one of us stopped doing what they usually did to do something else?”

-a light appears then a voice says “Are you actually prepositioning me on this fine Alaskan morning, or have I misunderstood your apparent intentions AGAIN?”

“You know something Lola. You are beginning to sound like me more and more, which makes me feel all ooky inside, you know?”

–a flock of penguins gathered on the nearby road, waiting for the sun to rise, when someone replied,

“What should we be doing instead of what we are doing, might I so innocently ask?” asked Lola as she propped herself up on one elbow, while he replied,

“Well, there was the Podcast Business for one. You know how ideas like that one sometimes seem to get out of hand, with some of us wondering why we started doing something like that in the first place?”

Lola was winding up for her morning rant, while he continued with,

“It doesn’t really matter whose idea it was, seeing as how we knead to support each other’s ideas, no matter how crazy they are, right?”

-the penguins hesitated a bit, then the lead penguin pointed its fin-like appendage towards a nearby house and said

“Are you insinuating that the Podcast Idea, as you put it, was my idea?” said Lola now sitting on the edge of the bed, while her mate said “insinuating is such an insinuating word, but I’ll just sweep that under the old penguin rug for now, and continue with that line of thought, OK?”

-Just then, there was a tap, tap tapping sound heard on their front door!

“I wood have thought that the every day, devil may care Alaskan wood be able to reed the signs outside and fear for their lives by knocking on our door!” said Lola, as she gathered her wits, and her robe about her, and started off for the gun case in the hall!

“Wait half a mo, my Sweet!” said the fellow, purported to be her onetime lover “We’ll just send out the old Penguin Attack Drone, purchased by none other than yours truly, whoever he might be!”

–reading from the back of the box containing the drone,

“Imagine owning your own Penguin Attack Drone? Swooping across the highways and byways of the Alaskan Steppe, seemingly without a sound, while imitating the movements of that now-classical flightless bird fro

-“Flightless birds don’t fly, do they?” interrupted the lovely brunette, with splashes of grey here and there!

“You see there, Lola. Getting a new Narrator Guy really jazzes up our lives, doesn’t it?”

-more tapping heard, getting more impatient as the blog dragged on!

“Gosh Lola. We could just open the door and see who the tapper is, or wood you rather just shoot first then ask questions later, like any other person of the American Ilk?”

-returning from the hall, then saying “Why are there bags of something labelled “Penguin Snacks for him and her” lounging in the gun case? I thought we agreed that you kneaded to keep those kinds of things in the kitchen cupboards?”

–suddenly the tapping noises stopped!

“Gosh Lola. Just see how exciting our lives have become, just because one of us had suggested that things kneaded to get back to the way they were, instead of where they are, you know what I’m babbling about?”

–sounds of telephone ringing, with Mr Confusion saying “Uh huh. Yes, I see your point. I’ll get right on it!”

“Now who was that, might I ask?” said Lola as she pointed the barrel of her 30/30 Winchester at the Penguin Drone, before adding “Whatever moves or doesn’t, flightless or not, is fair game, you know?”

“Why that was one of our Sponsors, demanding to know why we haven’t been on the air as yet! How in the world can he sell his Penguin Attack Drones, if no one can see, nor here them, being all flightless and all?”

Lola put down her rifle for a moment, then said “Do you ever, and I mean ever, listen to what comes out of your mouth, or am I just talking to myself on this fine Alaskan morning?”

“Look here Lola. Moose Bumps as large as, well, as large as Moose Bumps could be!”

“Today Deer Podcast Listeners, we have a special treet for him and her! Broadcasting live from our very own Love Nest, The Moose Skin Woman and Myself were just discussing various and sundry topics, when low and behold, the time for today’s show appeared on the horizon, just over where a line a flightless birds had gathered on our own front stoop!”

“Penguins, you say?” asked Lola, as she grabbed her rifle and moved towards the front door.

-” and with a flip of a switch, your very own Penguin Attack Drone is off and about, routing out any and all Alaskans, or Near-Alaskans, as our neighbor’s are sometimes referred to, while the rest of us lean back on our Laurel Trees and watch the spectacle before us!”

“Caller Number One, what do you have to add on this fine morning?”

“Hey Buddy. Someone just sent one of those flightless attack drones over my hovel, and the misses said it was a high-powered turn on for the likes of her!”

“You see there, fellow Alaskans, an extra plus has just appeared for owning one of these babies!!”

–sounds of rifle fire heard outside, with Lola appearing once again saying,

“How anyone in his or her right Alaskan Nut wood buy one of those things is beyond me?” said, while holding her still smoking appendage, while adding “It was, however, good for me, let me tell you!”

“So buy your own Attack Drone today! Imported by the Penguin Attack Drone Company of Healy Alaska, imported from one of our many friendly dictator-like democracies in the Free world…..

Another Deafening Example of LTPE

Lola knew she’d be in for trouble today when she opened the door to the office of Dr Stone and was blinded by a strong light as a voice said “Didn’t I say knot to point that light over there?”

A voice that sounded like Dave, or somebody like him replied “Sorry about that Dr Stone. I guess, I was just a bit too over eager?”

As Lola’s sight adjusted a bit, she almost imagined small penguins floating in the room in front of her gaze, as Dr Stone said “I say New Ms Marjory, have you ever been infected with LTPE before?”

Dave, or somebody like him started to reach out towards Lola’s arm, when she said “One touch anywhere on this body and you’ll wish you were Somebody like him, instead of who you are!”

As the floating Penguins faded ever so gently away, Dr Stone ahemed a bit, then said “I suppose you are wondering what we are doing with all of this equipment…..or are you just interested in painting your nails and brushing your hair like you usually do?”

Lola chose her words wisely, so she still had an employer tomorrow, by saying “All right, I’ll bite. What is going on in here, and do I really care anyway?”

She gave her hair a quick swirl, as Dr Stone ahemed again before saying “We, that is Dave or somebody like him, and myself, were thinking that we should expand on our business by having our own Podcast!”

-Deafening silence followed as Dave, or somebody like him whispered, “Gosh Doc. This is almost as scary as the time that the Ghost of Penguin Past visited me on Christmas Eve!”

Lola was about to give his statement a well-deserved retort, or even a well-rehearsed “harrumph! when Dr Stone turned up the volume on the radio hearing,

“Today, dear listeners, I’ll be telling you about a recent rumor heard in these hear parts, about others in the same ilk as this Podcast, who will be throwing their voices into the Cosmic Ether, just like yours truly, trying to capture some of the lucrative Podcast Market!”

“Lucrative, my bunion” snarled Lola, as the Podcast continued with “A little Penguin whispered that in my left ear, while I-

“Did he just say a little penguin?” asked Lola, as Dr Stone hushed her, and turned the volume up just a tad more!

-shouting now, saying “NO! NO he Didn’t!”

Dave, or somebody like him then produced a board of such with any number of brass buttons, or election badges stuck onto the artificial grass stapled onto the surface while saying “I hope our buttons are as shiny as our hero, Dr Stone?”

We hear at the Shiny Brass Button Company of Lower Kenai are proud to present our latest collection of, well, shiny brass buttons! Just think of the looks of amazement that your friends will be giving you, when you punch these babies, when initiating your own Podcast, causing your friends to flap their fin-like appendages, like they were taking off at the local airfield!

“You see there, Dave, or somebody like you, we knead sponsors that reflect our business in the same way! What say you New Ms Marjory, woodn’t that be a feather in our cap?”

“What, might I ask, will I, and for that matter Dave, or somebody like him be doing while you are whistling like a Penguin, or dancing like a walrus?”

“Gosh Doc, the dancing like a walrus part is easy to understand, but did you know that Penguins could whistle?”

Dr Stone was about to reply, when he held his hand up as the Podcast continued with, with….

“What in the Bill Hillary is happening?” asked Lola in the deafening silence, as Dr Stone turned down the volume a bit before saying “Sorry about that New Ms Marjory! I realize that someone suffering from LTPE is not exactly crazy about hearing a whistling Penguin, but we all have our own bears to cross, don’t we?”

“I’d like to thank the Penguin Whistlers of Lower Soldotna for that rendition of Alaska Flag, our State’s Song: Eight stars of gold on a field of blue, Alaska’s flag, may it mean to you!” rambled the Podcast Host, while-

“I’m getting ready to scream, so you’d better turn that volume up again, if you know what’s good for you!” ranted Lola, as Dave, or somebody like him along with Dr Stone moved towards the end of the blog, as Lola set her own volume on high, as she plugged in the amplifiers!

“Gosh Doc” yelled Dave, or somebody like him, “I hope I still have my hearing tomorrow, don’t you?” while Dr Stone just yelled back “I……..

“So fellow Podcasters, it’s time for us to do the dance of the walrus, while we silently hum, or whistle, if you prefer, the State Song of Alaska in the background……

-as we lull ourselves off into dreamland…..

A Contraceptive Microphone Solution

“Gosh Lola. You see there, I decided today to start off by saying “Gosh Lola” since the last time that I started a blog with something else, it got your ire up rather early in the day, witch is probably not that healthy for your blood pressure, witch is why I said “Gosh Lola” today!”

Lola heard someone babbling in the other room, but did she really want to interrupt him in mid-babble, or wood it be better to jump in, when a new round of malarkey was starting?

“Hey Buddy. I appreciate your babbling so early in the morning, but the Misses isn’t that happy with things starting this way!”

“Why have you started off the Podcast by taking Caller Number one, while you haven’t even given our listeners something to complain about?” asked his significant other, who assumed that the time to interrupt him was as good a time as any!

“Gosh Lola. Today, I’ve decided to take the Caller’s calls early in order to focus on the subject at hand later on in the Podcast, leafing Mr and Mrs John Q. Alaska, something to think about when the Podcast ends, with them being filled to the brim with unrequited Podcast Comments!”

As Lola was winding up for her early morning rant, Dr Stone, and Dave, or somebody like him were starting their own version of nonsense, somewhere in the darkly depths of Kenai Big!

“Watt might I ask are you doing with that cellphone?” asked Dr Stone, while Dave or somebody like him replied, “Gosh Doc. I wanted to be Caller Number 2 on today’s Podcast, seeing as how Caller Number 1 has beaten me to the paunch!”

I see that Caller Number 2 has just shown up on the Radar screen, but don’t fret, because sooner or later, you will have an opportunity of discussing today’s topic, which by the way hasn’t been presented as yet!”

Lola jumped in saying “Listen you. This is almost like the time that you lie there with that silly grin on your face, after we had, or would have had finished with our nightly business, but you said “Gosh Lola” or something like that “Isn’t it better to cut out the middleman and get to the final act in the beginning?”

“Well, it did give us more time to sip the Moosetinis and tell each other, “My word, or My jove. Let’s do that again sometime soon, OK?”

“It most certainly was knot OK, seeing as how you removed the foreplay, then the middle break in the action, when you tell me about something that didn’t have anything to do with what we were trying to accomplish, then moving on as it were to the final scene, with our without wearing the Moose Masks, that you seem so fond of!”

“Well, we could include the Moose Masks if that wood help to create the ambiance of the moment, just in reduced time, my Sweet?”

-then pushing button number 2 he said “Caller Number 2. We, that is the Moose skin woman and myself, have been discussing how to save time on everyday tasks, but you might have a suggestion, we haven’t tried as yet?”

–Ahem– said Dave or somebody like him then he continued with “Well, I would suggest that you found a job closer to your place of living, then you could save time by knot having to negotiate the roads and the traffic, like you usually do?”

Lola leaned over and covered the microphone before saying “The hole point of leafing your better half for work is to gain a bit of space, thus allowing the oxygen to return to my brain, so I can deal with the utter whimsy again, when I return home again!”

“Hey Buddy. This is Caller Number 1 hear. I wood appreciate it the next time, I call if you’d either end the conversation with me before you consider taking Caller Number 2, or at least tell that Moose Skin Woman to cover up the correct microphone, as it were!”

“Listen you. You could have had the decency to put on your Moose Earmuffs and attend to the kneads of your Misses, instead of listening to a personal and private conversation, that didn’t include you and your addle-headed way of being, anyway!”

“Uh, this is Caller number 2 again, and I was wondering if Caller Number 1 had any suggestions concerning contraceptive microphone coverage for a fellow like me? I woodn’t want to get my future Misses in the incorrect way of thinking, if my hand just happened to slip and leaf her open to comments like the ones the Moose Skin Woman is privy to today?”

“You see that!” said Lola, as she wondered which succession of buttons wood end this particular blog once and for all, before adding “Some people out there do have serious suggestions as to figuring out which microphone to cover, and if the required Moose Masks are necessary to get where we should have been going the other night, when you suggested us finishing off our nightly escapades, as you referred to all it, at the start?”

“Look Lady” resumed Caller Number 1. “I’d go in for a contraceptive microphone solution, but only if you reveal the details of that purported night of passion, where it culminated with the get-go, somewhere before the fellow on the sidelines, adorned in his Moose Mask, fired that shot that was heard around the world?”

Lola was about to give it her best rant of the week, when he interrupted her by saying “Sorry about that My Sweet, but the blog lines have been drawn, as you know, which means that if we are to keep the whimsy inside of the perimeter, then we knead to finish it off before your Rant gets going once again!”

-“but we can try to use that fellow firing the shot, on or about the beginning of the end of our knight of passion, but only if you’ve gotten to where the two of us were heading together, with one or more of us doing the clapping, when the deed was indeed done!”

-with our Moose Masks on, that is…

Button Magic

Ever wonder why the neighbor’s buttons seem to shine more than your own? Well, we hear at the Button Magic Company of Kenai Proper know just how you feel about your unrequited button shine, and we strive to do something about just that!

“Lola, my sweet. Have you seen the can of Button Magic? I had the last can here somewhere in the Podcast Room during the last blog, when you took it away from me and……Lola, my Sweet. I seem to detect some gentle sounds coming from outside? Are you out rummaging in the Moose Shed again?”

Lola blue the hair out of her eyes as she looked at the assorted mess before her. “Who in their wright mind wood have their Moose Shed in such a mess, unless they were using it to hide something away from prying eyes?”

We even use Button Magic on our own personal and private buttons, and sometimes even when the shades haven’t yet been closed for the night, but then we don’t have secrets from one another, do we?

Lola looked up after that particular advertisement was finished, prompting her to say to herself “Now watt did they mean by that?”

“Gosh Lola. Watt a lot of Moose Poop out hear! Have you been doing some Sprang Claning, or are you just trying to hide something from your one and lonely, and in plane sight, as it were?”

“Listen you. If I wanted to hide something from you, I certainly woodn’t do so in the Moose Shed of no places!” said Lola, in a rantingly way, while she continued with “Who has let the Moose Shed get so cluttered, and don’t tell me that is due to the Evil Penguin Effect!”

He didn’t answer her, but walked over and felt her forehead before saying “I really feel for you, my Sweet, what with your Penguin Envy obviously busting out at the seems, when you allow yourself to get all stressed out while doing some quality Moose Shed Diving, and without waring your Moosekini!”

“If you think that I’ll be wearing my Moosekini out in the cold of the Alaskan Winter, then you’ve been sniffing too much Button Magic for your own good!” ranted Lola, as somewhere down in Kenai Big, Dr Stone said

“I say” to Dave, or somebody like him “I wonder if we still have a can of Button Magic around here somewhere, or did the New Ms Marjory use it with impunity when she was hear the other day?”

Dave, or somebody like him answered with “I’m knot certain watt day you are talking about? Was it the day that she pushed that revenuer’s car into the drink, or was it the day after when she showed up on time for once, taking the words wright out of our mouths, and then some?”

“Listen. All I want to know, is if we still possess a can of Button Magic? If the makers of such a wonder product can use it with their Moosenition Blinds still open, then we can do so as well!”

Dr Stone then lowered the Moosenition Blinds before saying “I say. These windows are knot as clean as I had expected! Now we knead that can of Button Magic even more than before!”

“Ever wonder if your can of Button Magic can be used for other things than just giving those dusty buttons a quick and lasting shine? Well, if you just grab a can and give it a good read, then you’d be amazed how many different applications, this marvel of American Ingenuity can be used on!“

“No knead to look any farther for that can of Button Magic, my Sweet!” announced the man who wood, could and perhaps even might use that can of Button Magic on the Moose Shed Mess, but what other uses might he think of instead, we wonder?

“Just who had suggested using the Button Magic Company as one of our sponsors, I’m wondering” said Lola in a wondering kind of way. “They are touting their product as if it can solve all of our problems Toot du Suite, and before you accuse me of being in t he Canadian Way, then I am allowed to misuse language just as much as you, no thank you very much!” ranted Lola, on or about her third rant of the day, but who was counting, anyway?

“Gosh Lola. Just look at how many Moose Bumps you’ve caused to rise on my skin, won’t you? When you really start your daily rants, it’s almost like a high-power turn on, and all of that without having to lower the Moosenition Blinds for everyone and his brother’s sister to see!”

Lola tried to wrest the can of Button Magic out of his hands, while he continued with “Well, if you must know, it just happens to be our Local Guide, who had used Button Magic on his fin-like appendages, making them shine like the top of the Conoco-Phillips Building, and that being in downtown Anchorage, if you didn’t know that by now?”

Some of you might be asking, just where our product has been the most successful in Alaska?

“Turn up the volume, won’t you?” asked Dr Stone, while Dave or somebody like him said “Did he really knead to say Alaska?”

Why, we’ve been making the top of the Conoco-Phillips Building in Downtown Anchorage Alaska shine for ‘ears and ‘ears now, but don’t take our word for it, just listen to what one of our proud owners of our quality product has to say!

-an inordinate amount of silence was heard, and that with the volume increased to the limit!

Dr Stone said “I say, I’d buy it just on his recommendation alone, woodn’t you?”

-with Lola finishing off the blog saying “Since there is deafening silence blasting out of the speakers, I assume that one of your Evil Penguins has just said something memorable, but I for one won’t be clapping and marveling at whatever that was!”

Why Button Magic has even been used to combat the Evil Penguin Effect, for those of you out there in Alaska, suffering from Penguin Envy! Remember. Buy a can or two today, and give your significant other a reason to lower her Moosenition Blinds and let the sun shine in……

Caught Between Two Qualified Ranters

“Now that we’ve established the proper existence of their being two Kenai’s, then we can move onto wider and broader areas of thought!” said someone in the background, no not anyone in the Podcast Room, but another someone, who her mate had chanced to greet at their front door, seeing as how the entrance to the Servant’s quarters had, or was, or now how did that go anyway?

Lola wrapped herself up in as much clothing as possible, while she still could steer the Caribou Cart in the dark darkness of the Alaskan Winter Night, while the voices seemed to move towards the Podcast Room with her throwing out a “I’m leafing you now, so no funny business with Penguins, OK?”

“Did someone just say Penguins?” asked Dr Stone, as he surveyed the intimate vastness of the Podcast Room, with someone else responding, “No. No She didn’t”

“I must say, you’ve come along quite well in this life, seeing as how you’ve been able to deal with your Latent Transferable Penguin Envy so well!” said Dr Stone, as he craned his neck backwards before saying “By the way, was that the voice of the Moose Skin Woman, we just heard, or shouldn’t she have ranted out her message to you instead?”

“Gosh Doc. If I had known, you had wanted to receive your own, personal Moose Skin Woman Rant, then I wood have told her about just that, but seeing as how she kneaded to mosey on down to Kenai Big where it is purported that she works hard for her money, then it’ll have to be another time, unless of course, if you press that button wright there!”

“Well, watt are you looking at?” said the now familiar voice of the Moose Skin Woman, while Dr Stone answered, “I, uh, well, I was going to say-

-but his hymning and hawing was interrupted by “Watt’s the matter with you anyway? Penguin got your tongue?“

“Well, I never have been insulted so early in the morning” replied Dr Stone, while the Podcast Host replied, “If you had been hear a bit earlier than your late arrival, just think of how much better those insults might have been?”

Dr Stone was about to reply, as Lola burst into the office saying “If I only had a Penguin Puffer for each and every time some addle-headed yahoo decided to cut me off, or flip their fin-like appendages at me, why I’d be…..come on Dr Stone, watt wood I be?”

Dave or somebody like him really didn’t know what to answer, seeing as how that rant was directed towards Dr Stone, so he just said “Half a mo, New Ms Marjory, and I’ll get the Good Doctor on the horn for you, OK?”

Lola just slumped down in her Moose Chair, while Dave or somebody like him said “That rant was almost as good as one of the Moose Skin Woman’s. Did you ever think about meating your sister in arms, or somebody like her?” asked Dave, or somebody like him, when Dr Stone’s melodious voice said “Who is calling me when I am in conference with a impatient patient? Come on now, answer me, before I find someone, or someone like him to put you in your place and then some!”

Dave or somebody like him just stared at the receiver before saying “Well, this is a first for me! Caught between two ranters and knot possessing one qualified reply to either of them!”

Ever been caught in a Classic Two-Rant Moment? Well, we here at the Kenai Big Unrequited Ranter Company know just what you might be going through! Our Local Guide will be dispatched to your residence, or business of choice, just as fast as his fin-like appendages can carry him, providing you with an answer that will put even the most tried and true Ranter, or Ranterine, in their place, while you rest on your laurels, or somebody else’s laurels or their friend’s! Remember our motto, “If the Paradox Fits, then–

-but just then, Dave or Somebody like him, turned the radio dial to the next channel, while Lola said “Why did you change the channel before we heard what malarkey wood have ended that obtuse, nonsensical advertisement, something that only a yahoo from the Lower Kenai Home for People suffering from Disassociated Sentences wood have understood?”

Dave or somebody like him wiped the sweat from his brow before turning the dial back to Penguin Pete’s Podcast for Kenaians and those who only can dream of being someone like them, only to hear the voice of Dr Stone saying

“That was quite a button, I must say so myself! Just think if I had a switchboard like this in my office! Why all those people suffering from Disassociated Sentences wood be beating an Egg Salad Sandwich at my door!”

-leaning into the microphone before saying “Wood that be made with mustard, or do they only do that kind of thing in my hometown?” asked the Podcast Host, while Caller Number one said

“Listen here Buddy. Anyone who wood want to put mustard on their Egg Salad Sandwich wood be pushing the limit of my impatient patience, and I’m certain that other Kenaians wood have the same opinion about that!”

Lola’s better half then leaned over and pressed a button, with cheering crowds heard in the background, with Dr Stone Saying “There are some serious mental issues at work here, and I’d recommend a qualified professional to solve the problems involved!”

“Anyone, you’d recommend Doc?” asked the man behind the mic, while Dr Stone said

“Why don’t you just push one of those other buttons and see if one of your sponsors have an answer for you!”

Lola just stood up and said “Sorry Dave, or somebody like you. I’ve got to drive home now and set somebody’s priorities straight, OK?”

Dave, or somebody like him said “Well, it’s a darned shame that Dr Stone wasn’t here to hear you say something like that?

-but Lola was already out of the door, tooling her way towards her hovel once again, when somebody honked the horn on his big city car and swooshed past her, at or near Deadman’s Curve, while she thought, “At least it wasn’t a Penguin driving that Road Hog!”

“Well, I never” said Dr Stone as he stormed into the office, with Dave or somebody like him saying “Sounds like somebody got their buttons in a twist?”

While Lola walked up to her mate saying “I hope, you aren’t upset by your guest today? He didn’t seem to treat you wright, did he?”

“Who do you mean, Dr Stone?” asked her mate, as he shined up the assorted buttons, with her finishing up the blog by saying

“Well, of course, I meant Dr Stone! Who else was here today to insult you, might I ask?” but before he could muster an answer, she grabbed the can away from him labeled, “Button Magic” and said “That’s knot how you clean buttons, you, you man you!” and with that said the spray from the can dispersed the final comments coming from the one or the other one, while Dave or somebody like him remarked,

“Darned funny things going on in this blog, and without even mentioning the evil Penguin aspect of things!”

“Did you just say, Evil Penguin?” asked Dr Stone, while Lola read the blog’s next to last paragraph, before saying “No. No he did knot!”