Hold Your Hornfels!

Gosh Lola. Watching you scratch yourself in your sleep, makes me think that soon you’ll wake up and try to see if your fabulously fabulous form casts a shadow in the light of the….What? Wrong Groundhog Story?…

Hold your Hornfels! -“That’s what my father always used to say to me, if I was too impatient with things. I remember one birthday when-“

“You know something”, said Lola with that look on her face that told me that I knew what she was going to say, and didn’t need to say it, but I also knew, she was going to tell me anyway…

“I’ve had to invest some of our hard-earned money on a book, “Everything you never wanted to know about Granodiorite, but were afraid to ask!” which amazingly enough, doesn’t cover all of your odd-Hornfels, Unconformities, Metamorphosed Dacites and the odd whatever, but-“

“Gosh Lola. Just hearing you utter all of that Geology in one breath, gives me Moose Bumps! And some of them in places, I normally wouldn’t think of getting them. Just look here, said while unbuckling his belt and-“

“Stop right there Mr Rhyolite! I might have a cast-iron stomach when eating your Chili Moose Flakes, but that doesn’t mean I need to suffer from seeing your out of the way Moose Bumps, now does it?”

“You should have asked me before spending your nickles and dimes on that book. I have a whole library of Geological Books, that Howie hasn’t eaten, and….Lola? Howie is our son, the Moose, or have you forgotten that?”

“I know darned well who Howie is, but what I don’t know is why anyone who I’ve known for all these years, would suddenly start telling me about his Geological Time-line in Healy, while….OK. Healy Alaska. Are you satisfied Mr Hornfel?”

“Well done!” he said to Lola, and wanted to tell her how her eyes sparkled just like Plagioclase Feldspar in Granodiorite, but didn’t think now was the right time to pay her that compliment!

“You’ve come full-circle, bringing us back to my birthday of long-ago. We, that is my other friends who would only profess to be from Healy, but there might have been some out-of-towners, you know like Cana……looking at Lola looking at him about to say….but we accepted each other all the same. The first game was pin the Feldspar on the Granite, and I was spun around 2 times, because we all knew that all Feldspar have 2-directions of perfect cleavage, which made my buddies snicker and start to say things like, who wouldn’t want that kind of woman, and-“

“Is there really a point to this blog, or are we going to argue about what I am being forced to hear about, during the length and breadth of this amalgam of words?”

“Well”, said while writing down “Amalgam” for later reference, “I was just about to pin the Plagioclase on the Granite, when my father just lost his cool and started screaming and shouting at me and my friends. When I took off the blindfold, he was standing in front of me saying, “You know darn well that an abundance of Plagioclase means that your precious Granite is really Granodiorite?”

“I never had seen him so mad before, which made me run into the house where my mother was just putting the finishing touches on my birthday cake, “Minus 13  million years old today” which as anyone who is no one knows that old joke about the 2 Geologists and the Mineralogist who come into that bar and the first one says, ….”

With Lola’s face turning colors, reminiscent of the reddish colors of Orthoclase Feldspar, I suddenly remembered what my mother said at that moment, when I ran in all out of breath, wondering what my father was going to do next: “Son, which is what she still wanted to call me, when my father was not in the room, “Don’t be so hard on your father. You see, he and I met at the Granite Harvest Moon Ball, and the other boys present taunted him about the Plagioclase-colored rose he had given me, saying that it  looked more like orthoclase, and you know how….

,Lola just started whistling a little tune as she thumbed through her book on Granodiorite. “You know what? I’ve finally figured out why this blog is going nowhere…..You’ve been using the wrong tags all along! You should have started out with Feldspar in Love, or How I took her Granodiorites for Granite, or have you kissed your Unconformity Today, and we would have been getting likes, Diamond over Talc, are you getting my Continental Drift now boy?”

I could only see Hornfels sparkling in her eyes, knowing indeed that we were made for each other! I wondered what my parents, especially my father would have said about her at that moment, but I figured that their loss was my gain.

And I just lie there speechless, watching as she metamorphosed my heart into something entirely new, something that had changed my composition forever……it must be love……

“-or, a darned good Subduction Zone!”, which is what my father would have said, but my mother might just have hit him on the head with a good piece of Slate saying, “If you-

-still whistling her little tune, as the blog dove under the North American Plate with the grace and ease of the Pacific Plate, with Lola just sighing as she watched the words fall off the paper and be consumed in the fires of…

-but we’ll have to save that story for another time won’t we now?

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The Answer being both Yes, and No

On the Eve of Groundhog Day, B. considered an incident last year, while the memory of Fresh Strawberries was still a viable scent in his mind….

The beauty of being a Mediator, is that there is no real worry about who is right or wrong, but being able to get the parties involved to agree.

On my first day on the job, I was presented with a couple whose difficulties were insurmountable, or at least that is what they thought. We found a comfortable place to talk, but as I was offering them a beverage before we began, the first difficulties presented themselves.

I offered cookies, coffee or tea, but he just said, “Don’t worry about me, I’ve got some Moose Cakes in my left pocket.” The woman with him, started making faces, and was getting frustrated over what I considered nothing, -but I guess I was just a bit too naive in the beginning?

“Of course they are not as fresh as they used to be, but what with that piece of Andesite, or was it Dacite nearby, rubbing them the wrong way, then things got a bit on the crumby side…Get it? The Crumby side?”

She just looked at him, then me saying, “You see what I have to deal with on a daily basis? If only I had a cold-compress right now then I could stuff it down his throat and silence him once and for all!”

“Gosh Lola. You sound just like my mother, when she was reacting to what my father used to say. If you two got together, you know just a pair of girls in the kitchen, then I’m sure you could whip up some Moose Cakes, while I kept my rocks to myself! What say, Lola-kins?”

“We are not going to talk about Healy today, are we?” she said in a rather definite way, “but why did she mention Healy if we weren’t going to revel in my past memories of that memorable town, just like we used to do?” He wondered, while the Mediator was wondering himself.

While he waited for her to respond, he reached down into his pocket and began to play with his rocks, until she said, “Can’t you play with those things in your own private space? Do you see me sitting here getting my jollies while this fellow, motioning over to the Mediator, is sitting there wondering why we came in the first place?” He was actually trying to understand why anyone who had come from Healy, would have ended up with a Babe like the one that was sitting rather close to him now? Her hair smelled like Cannabis, and he imagined that-

“Uh.” Her partner said. “Why did your lips say, Healy, a few moments ago? If you were wondering about that, then it was indeed Healy Alaska, which can be north of Anchorage, or might just be outside this very office building, depending on the wind direction, or if the Greywacke are flying south for the winter!”

He tried to take a few deep breaths before continuing, but remaining neutral in this conversation was becoming harder to do, as they continued to banter about the most trivial things between them!

“Ahem” he said while he waited to regain their attention, before continuing with the matter at hand. “Now why have you enlisted the aid of a Mediator? The Kenai Peninsula Borough is more than happy to assist in situations like yours, but if we get to the matter at hand, we’ll just see, how I can help you to agree with one another, helping you to -“

“But we always agree, Lola. Even when we don’t, then we really do!” She just looked at him with a mixture of confusion and anger, while he moved over to the nearby chalkboard, courtesy of the “Erasable Solution Company of beautiful downtown Soldotna Alaska.” He took a piece of chalk, then said, “Hmm. I wonder if this is made from Calcium Carbonate, or Calcium Sulfate?” but then began to write, while his companion Lola said, “Well. We are waiting, you know? Is is Calcium Carbonate, or Calcium Sulfate?”

The Mediator was about to say something, when she said a bit more:

“What does it say in the Kenai Book of Wisdom?” a statement that not just anyone could have asked, especially how she swirled her hair about, as if it was doing the dance of the Harvest Moose on our porch, in the summertime! Just uttering those words, made his eyes shine like the winter sunlight on the roof of the Conoco-Phillips Building in Downtown Anchorage. He came over to her and gave her a kiss and a small hug, while she waited with bated breath about how to distinguish the difference between the two? The two types of chalk, that is…

“You know” said the man whose socks were mismatched on purpose, “If you came over and sat next to me, we could both look up the answer while this fellow, motioning over to the Mediator, now being very confused, gets himself a cup of coffee, or tea and a plate of fresh Moose Cakes!”


While they were thumbing though the book together, the Mediator said, “Just why did you request a Mediator in the first place?”

“Well” said the man who was examining the chalk by tasting it to see if it tasted of Soldotna Strawberries in the Summer, or was it more like the scent of Cannabis flowers ripening in the meadows of Southern Alaska? “Well”, he said again. Lola wanted to know why my socks didn’t match, and I said, “Well, that is neither here nor there”, which made her exclaim,”If we are going to continue with this relationship I swear, we are going to need a Mediator soon, before I knock your block off!”

The Mediator just turned to the both of them and said,”And what have you learned by coming today?” hoping that he would still have a trace of sanity when he left the building today, even though it didn’t shine like the top of the Conoco-Phillips Building in beautiful downtown Anchorage?

“Well”, she said as she swirled her hair around, “I’ve learned that the Answer being both yes and no adds to the credibility of the title of this blog, giving me a warm feeling down deep inside my breast!”

While he said, “Yes, and it is that warm feeling, exactly where you have indicated to me, has made this experience all the best for me as well!”

And as they walked from that building, hand in hand, well, almost that is, the Mediator of the Kenai Peninsula Borough said to himself, “and I still didn’t learn if that chalk tasted of Soldotna Strawberries in the Summer?……”


The Fabric of Her Woes, Woven into His Dreams

Tossing and turning in bed, B. seemed to be having a bad night’s sleep? Lola just sat and watched him, taking notes as to what he said, paying careful attention, if “her name” was mentioned, or was he kissing some other Dream Woman, while she lie next to him in “their” bed….

-waking up- “Gosh Lola. What a night this has been! Why I bet I’ve dreamed up a storm, but instead of clearing up, it’s just gotten more stormy, with…”

-“and what might you have been dreaming?” asked his lifelong companion, and the woman whose Slugger Penguin lie just under her side of the bed, in case of dream infidelity on the part of her lover!

“First I was walking along the gravelly shores along the Cook Inlet. You might have heard me tell about that place before Lola, but before we get into that, a door suddenly appeared.”

Lola took off her own cold compress and placed it on his forehead. She knew the next part of the story was coming up, so while he caught his breath, she fetched some Moose Chips and a Carbonated Tundra Tea and-

“Then, when I went through the door”, said raising his voice a bit to drown out the sounds of the crunch of the Moose Chips, “there stood Barney the Vision Moose! “Hey Man” he said in his Moosy Way. “What’s troubling you on a fine night like this one? He was trying out a new muscle-building program on his exercise machine.”

“Puny muscles? Then try our new twig-burning system with its money-back guaranty. After 60 days, if your Fetlocks aren’t wowing the women of the Vision Forest, then we will happily refund your Moose Moolah in full!”

-“but what did you and “Old Barn” talk about?” asked Lola who was hoping against hope that they had discussed his real name, once and for all!

“Well”. I said, “Barney. Lola wants to know my real name, but is having trouble with the truth of the matter.”

Barney just turned and sprayed a bit of Moose-nel number 5 under his left fetlock before saying, “Well. I’d advise you to tell her Man. Fess up and get it over with once and for all! Tell you what. What about you tell me first, then I can break the news to her?”

B. reached up to Barney’s ear and was about to say…..when the sounds of a cheering crowd reverberated outside the door. He went over, and when he opened the door, then…

“What?” demanded Lola.

“Gosh Lola. I swear they were chanting my name, but when I opened the door the crowd went silent,…then they broke out in a loud cheer, and you know why?”

Lola just looked at the bag of Moose Chips and wondered why they went so fast? First they were in 16oz bags, then 10oz, and pretty soon. I only hope that kind of inflation doesn’t hit 72% Chocolate as well?

B. just stood there with the punch-line of his story, while Lola was pondering opening another bag of chips to counter the lost ounces of the first? She worried that one bag not being enough, might just become too much with 2 bags, then how could she just keep a ½-bag around without eating those salty devils, then regretting it afterwards?

“Well” said B. by raising his voice yet another time, “When I looked around me, I discovered that I had just won First Prize for the Alaska Penguin Herding Championships for 2025. I just stood there, stroking my greying temples while the local children tossed bouquets of Penguin Feathers at my feet!”

Lola got up and looked in the mirror. The years had been good to her, but was there just a grey hair or two, too many as of late? She gave her hair a good swirl, which used to be a crowd-pleaser when her and B. were courting. Just one swirl and he would….

-“Sorry about that Babe, but I didn’t get a chance to tell Old Barn what my real name was, because of …”

“Am I getting too old?” she asked her life-long companion as he looked at her, looking at herself in the mirror.

-looking at her and seeing her as he always has done so. “Lola. You look the same to me as when we first met. Sometimes, I just get caught up in all of the whimsy to tell you how fabulous you look and how much you mean to me!”

Lola wondered if his words meant that they could open up a new bag of Moose Chips and share them together, but before making that decision, she reached over and kissed him!

-“and you know what? It doesn’t really matter to me what you call me, as long as you’ll still be around for the years to come, sharing another bag or three of Moose Chips with me….”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Bob the Penguin just spat on the ground and wondered when all this sappy business was over and done with? His little fin reached up from below, and edged the bag of Moose Chips closer and closer to the point of no return…

They just stood there, arms around each other while Bob leaned back against the counter, wondering why the Moose Chips always disappeared so fast, when he was just getting started eating them?

“Should I take another bag?” he asked himself, but would that be too much, or could he just eat ½-way through before…..

-Then where would I hide the bag from Lola? Life was never easy in Alaska, for a Sentient Penguin, you know?….

A Moose and a Canadian Crossed the Road, when

“I’ve got a funny feeling about this title”, said Lola as we considered getting dressed after having doing it, until the Moose came home!

“We were not just “doing it” as was written”, said by the love of my life, as she considered lingering just a bit in the scantily-clad moonlight, allowing me a sight that no one else on this planet had experienced, telling me that I and only I, and perhaps the Vision Moose, Barney and Tristan, and well perhaps the Vision Penguins had seen, but-

“Look you. We are just getting out of bed after having slept. No rumpy pumpy, no moonlight ride, and if I thought those Vision Animals had been peaking, then I would-”

-“uh, do you really mean Peaking, Lola, because if they are doing that, then I want some of the action as well!”

Lola just sighed and sat on the bed, trying to figure out if the title referred to another timeless joke, just using other characters, just with one of them being a Canadian? Did she really want to pursue this course of action, or was it only going to reawaken the whimsy once again?

“I don’t know about you Lola, but when I wake up at 5:30 in the morning, my mind is awash with the tide from the night yet so shortly passed! The ebb and flow of ideas has encompassed my thoughts such, that I…”

“Hey you. Have you been reading Elephant Toothpicks again? I wouldn’t mind a little bit of intelligent conversation, here and there, but I need to know that your words really are yurs?” Ending the paragraph in an obvious misspelling, hoping to catch his attention, so they could look into each other’s eyes and choose to “do it” again, in the fading moonlight!

“Are we on some sort of Fantasy Planet with some shortish fellow yelling, “The Spacecraft, The spacecraft while pointing up into the Redness of the Redpath Skies?” so adeptly penned by the woman who has been my apprentice these many years, while falling slowly but surely in love with her mentor, the man who would be Moose!

Lola just sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to figure out if this blog really was going somewhere, or if she should just pop out into the bathroom and freshen up a bit, perhaps spraying a bit of Moose-nel Number 5 on those special places on her fabulously-formed body, tempting him to find their hiding places for as long and as hard it might seem to be, allowing her to say, –

“If I poked my finger into that eye, the one that is ogling me in the fading strains of the Moonlight Serenade, would it wake you up, allowing you to take me in your arms once again and tell me the point of the title of this blog, and telling me the punchline this side of 500 words?”

There he was, standing at the window, as the fading strands of moonlight, echoed in her hair, while the Moose Brothers and their Vision Band, took the last song request of the night. The Band leader, reached over to him and whispered, “If you let us play Moose River, she’ll want you to “take her” again in the Moonlight!” His buddy, Tristan just nodded and waited for his turn to ogle her, before assuming an air of respectability and-

Lola just sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, wondering if this was just a bad dream turned reality, that would affect the rest of the day, or even the rest of her life. She decided to turn to the Hunk of a Man next to her and say, “Oh Dearest. When you flex that extremely puny muscle in your right forearm, I just feel like swooning at word 635, or so!”

Lola knew that her words wouldn’t be enough to take them to the climax of this story at, or around 800 words, but hoped that his actions spoke louder than his words, allowing her to say, “Oh Yes, My Gallant Moose Tamer, from the right side of the Ural Mountains. I want you to touch me there once again, while the fading strains of this year’s wheat crop are swaying in the breeze, allowing us to-”

“What do I mean by fading strains of this year’s wheat crop?” she asked him, but really didn’t care to hear the answer.

When they reached the other side of the road, the Canadian Woman turned to her faithful Moose Compendium and said, “Now we’ve reached the Promised Land, and if what you’ve told me is true, then the love of my life, A Real Alaskan Man will happen on by and take me once again in the Beginning Strains of the Morning Light, just as I thought he would!”

-And her faithful Moose Compendium, on or about word 811 said, “and regardless what anyone else thought, I was not looking at your fabulously fabulous body in the fading Mooselight…..”

Hanging Out with the Vision Moose

“Somewhere in the warmer climes of the southern Mediterranean, our two heroes, Barney and Tristan are doing what they do best this time of year: cultivating the sun and babes of the Vision Moose Lifestyle, while their clients are still freezing somewhere else in the wilds of Alaska….”

“Hey Barn, what say we go trolling for Moose Babes today?” asked Tristan, as he sipped on his Vision Drink, while they longed around nearby the pool in Vision Heaven.

“But we do that every day, and night as well”, said Barney the Vision Moose, who rubbed his backside thinking of how it used to be, when he was much younger and up to that sort of lifestyle. “What about that young Cow you’ve been seeing lately? Are you just going to dump her for somebody new?”

Tristan just laughed, causing his Moose Martini to come out of his nostrils. “You mean, Moosette from Quebec? No, I won’t be breaking her heart just yet, but….

“A Canadian Moose! Don’t let that news get back to the clients in Alaska. You know how some of them are sensitive about things like that….!”

“You really miss that crazy couple, don’t you?” asked Tristan, as he hooved through the January Copy of Moose Monthly. “I was talking to Moosette the other day, but when she mentioned a town out west, I almost choked on my reply when she said, “You know. In Alaska!” which caused them both to let out a loud guffaw, while they locked horns in the gaiety of the moment. Tristan then added, “I almost wanted to tell her that “She didn’t need to say Alaska” but I’m afraid she wouldn’t understand anyway?”

Barney just let his thoughts fly and wondered when Lola would be waking up from her Winter Hibernation, making her mate screw up for his crazy stories about Healy….that is Healy Alaska -said while chuckling to himself …and all the wackiness that the two of them experience together. Barney really couldn’t wait to get a new assignment in the Last Frontier, while Tristan only continued to talk about this Babe and that Babe and when were they going fishing, and…

“Hey Man”, said Tristan. “I know you, you know? When your eyes start glazing over like freshly-made Maple Bars from the Moose is Loose Bakery in Soldotna, I know that you can’t wait to get back to work again!”

Barney thought about the Moose is Loose Bakery, but wondered if Maple Bars were good for his health and well-being? If he were a bit younger, or at least a Real Live Moose, then he might not hesitate to give it the old “Healy Try” and organize a stampede of his Vision Buddies, ending up somewhere at or near the front entrance to the bakery, while….

“Sorry about interrupting your thoughts Man, but Moosette is calling on the old Cell! I’ll catch you later on, OK?”

Tristan just sauntered away, while telling Moosette some song and dance about why they needed to go to his place tonight, so if she would just let her horns down a bit and Chill, then the two of them could……….

-but just then the Vision Phone rang! Barney almost fell out of his deck chair and into the Imaginary Vision Pool, but not everyone got wet in that water, now did they?

“Uh huh” he said, as the sun started to give him a Moose Burn on his left fetlock. “I see” he continued, thinking about leaving “Paradise” for the cold of Alaska, and seeing his favorite clients once again. “Well, you know how we are on vacation and all, but I’ll make an exception this time!” which is what he told his employers just to remind them of how indispensable, he was, even though he was rubbing his fetlocks together in anticipation of starting work once again.

He thought it necessary to tell Tristan in person, before he hitched a ride on Cloud Nine, heading towards the Northern Climes this evening.

“Hey Tristan, Man. Open up, it’s me, Barn!”

Muffled sounds and squeals were heard behind the door, with Tristan just poking one of his antlers out into the hall. “Hey Barn. Don’t you know when the “Do not disturb” sign is on the door, it means….more giggles heard, as a young cow poked her antlers out as well. “Enchantée” said Moosette, as she giggled and held a glass of Sparkling Wine in the one fetlock. “Did you know that they call this kind of wine mousserende in Danish? Sounds just like Moose Wine, don’tcha think” said, while Tristan pushed her back into the room, as he closed the door on his old friend.

“Hey Tris. I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been called back to work” said Barney, trying to sound disappointed at that fact, but Tristan saw right through him, and the next three walls as well! “Go get ‘Em Barn! I know that is where your heart is! While mine is…..giggles with something in French being whispered into his ear. “Gotta Go, Bud. Arrivederci”, said Tristan, thinking that was French, while Moosette pulled him back inside and…..

Whew! Thought Barney as he waited for his ride to come. All that Babe-Business for an old Guy like me! – All I want out of life is to…Hold that thought, because here comes my cloud…

Barney the Vision Moose was last seen jetting his way northwards again, while Tristan and Moosette lie in each other’s fetlocks. Moosette turned to Tristan saying, “Tell me about the star named Moosette again, won’t you?”

“Well” said Tristan slowly. “In the Moosey Way Galaxy there are many countless stars, but one that shines the brightest, said as he moved his moose snout a bit closer to hers, is called……