Once Upon a Time, When

Once upon a time, when things were different than today, a young maiden lived on the Plains of the Kenai, waiting with bated breath for the man of her dreams to pass by, sweeping her off her feet with nothing less than a whisper of the lovemaking to come, while thanking the gods above for this blessing that had no equal.

The young maiden, or Lola, as her magical animals knew her by, lived in a modest cottage along the Kenai River, which provided her with all the essentials to her simple, yet nourishing lifestyle. Fish abounded in the stream, but she only harvested them when she claimed to the outside world as being a pescetarian. Her magical animals, Lon, Lex and Louie thought that to be a strange, yet funny name for someone who by all rights and intentions, resembled a Vegan, but actually ate fish when she had the..

“Lola. Why is this blog beginning to resemble those suggestions that WordPress suggests in their Reader App? If I were a betting man, I’d say that Lon, Lex and Louie were most likely monkeys, but we know them to be giraffes, or weren’t they only that once before?”

Lola had heard strange voices in her head, but the three magical Giraffes only whispered to her, “This is your realm, Princess, and you are the one who decides! If one day you wish us to be Monkeys, then we will be monkeys! If on another day, you wish us to

“Well” she said rather impatiently. “When are you going to continue?”

Time flowed between them, deceiving her in such a way that made it impossible to know that at least 6 hours had gone by from that unfinished paragraph to the exciting conclusion, as yet unknown, but continuing below!

“Why we could be

“Oh Miss Lola” said Lon, as he licked the right toenail of his left paw, “how are we ever going to cross the magical bridge, not knowing the password left to you by your Canadian Uncle Monty Real, who

“Wait a minute you! Why would Lon lick the toenail of his left paw, when he is supposed to be a Giraffe? Giraffes don’t have paws, they have, well, I mean,”

Lola was at a for loss of words, but that didn’t stop Lex and Louie from galloping around in a circle, neighing and whinnying as if the whole of the US Army was after them! Louie said, “Why don’t we

“Stop right there, Mr Storyteller! Now, they have become horses in the lower 48, which is as Un-Alaska as you can get! I demand that you stop this sideline, and return to where this story of lust and desire in the afternoon was heading towards – moving the strap from her dress down a bit from her shoulder – but got lost in your Animal Cracker Soup along the way!”

The woodsman. A man of great strength and stamina, was out on the Plains of the Kenai, wielding his Ax through the Golden Fields of Alberta Wheat! He turned to her in Alaska, after having crossed the magical bridge, carefully guarded by the magical Giraffe with their terrifying toenailed paws! He knew he had to say the three magic words, that her father, the king of Soldotna had whispered to him, while hinting to him about taking his daughter, Please!

The first word that he uttered was, Homer, who was the man who made him the man he was today, but not the man who he would become tomorrow! The second word was Al, but he wasn’t sure if that was Al, or his older brother Aska, who said, I…

Lola, the forest maiden, sat on the sidelines of the story, filing her nails and considering a non-smoke, perhaps a Kilimanjaro, with one of the giraffes. Lon said “If you fly away with me on my magic carpet, we can make fabulous giraffe-love together!” Lola was not into Giraffe-Sex, but at this point in the blog, circumstance made her consider turning into a Giraffe herself, thus completing the circle of what Wild Animals do on the Plains of the Kenai!

The third magic word was…”Gosh Lola. If you are going away with Lon, Lex and Louie, who am I going to finish this magical story with, carrying away the Maiden Princess to her fabulous den of pain and pleasure?”

Lola just whispered in his ear, “The third word is 800 which if we are in any way lucky today, will seal the fate of this blog and set us free to be together forever!

Lon, Lex and Louie were still standing on the edge of the story, feeling rather cross about being cheated out of Giraffe-Sex on the Plains of the Kenai, when Lola said, “You have just 9-words to seduce me, before……

– “before this blog goes into overtime” finished B. as he swept her into his arms and carried her off to, to her den of pain and pleasure…..

Lon said, “I told you, we needed to petition a higher source, about extending the blog over the 800-word mark!”

Lex and Louie just whinnied and said, “Let’s meet over at the watering trough and discuss our options!”- so the three horses trundled off the paper into …….

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I’d go with the White Rabbit Theme, myself

This is the story of one man and his fight with the elements. A man in the Last Frontier, not like any other man, neither before, nor after when you consider, or if you don’t consider what that really means!

“Gosh Lola. Someone is really writing some classy literature on the back of cereal boxes these days! Why I remember when I was younger, and the only thing we got to read about was how eating Oats from Alberta would make you grow up into a strong and well-liked Canadian, who could swim the North Saskatchewan River in a single flap of your flippers!”

Lola had hoped that his Cheshire Penguin Smile would fade in time, but he seemed determined to keep the memory of Bob the Penguin alive as long as possible!

“Why in the world did you buy that kind of cereal?” she asked as she read the name on the box, “White Rabbit Weedies” – The Breakfast of Champignons! “Honestly” said Lola while sporting her classic Sneer, “A breakfast cereal made from mushrooms? What will they think of next?”

He just continued to read the back of the box, while saying “Lola. My Love. It was not just for the anti-oxidant qualities of the mushrooms, but because of this here!” said while pointing to a “Look Here” bubble on the front of the box telling about 56 free Tattoo stickers -try before you buy!”

“Are we really going down that road again?” asked Lola as she considered her own classic tattoo, a 30-30 Winchester, the epitome of the Old West!

“Gosh Lola. I’ve thought about this decision for as long as this particular blog has existed, and you know something?” waiting for her to shake her pretty head, then giving her hair her trademark, “swirl” before she would be saying,

“And stop fantasizing about my hair, Got it?”

“You know what Lola?” but not waiting for her reply this time, he went on saying, “This is almost like the first time we met each other. You were just sitting there on that street corner, wearing your white rabbit socks, while I rode by on my-

“Are we talking skateboards here, or was it a white stallion, which reared its head back, throwing you off into my arms?” said Lola, completing his story with one of her own, while she looked up the nearest Tattoo Parlor in Homer where he finally could get the deed done!

“Lola” he said, sweeping her hand away from her cell phone, then taking her into his arms, looking deeply into her eyes, then saying, “I thought of patronizing the new Tattoo Place in town, “Robert Fettgans Presents – Marking you for life“, located just Off Broadway near that little theater where you were auditioning for that new play, “Penguins of the Cook Inlet.”

“I was just a fancy passing by, while you sat there, on that street corner on that theatrical stage saying, “If only a Real Alaskan Man sporting the Right Tattoo on or about his Puny Muscle would ride on by me right now, I might just consider sharing a Avocado-flavored Malt and a plate of Penguin Fries at the nearby Drugstore in Homer….Alaska!”

“So” said Lola slowly, “Are you going with the Fat Goose Tattoo, or…..?”

“Let’s not rush into a poorly-thought out decision” he said, while looking over the sheet of tattoo stickers, wondering if there was one with “Healy, or Homer” among the other choices.

“Are you really going to get a tattoo this time, or was it just an idea to glean more readers to this blog, which is lacking any redeeming value or long-lasting qualities!”

“You know what? Those were some of the first things you asked me when we were sharing that Avocado-flavored Malt in Homer. You asked me, Do you possess long-lasting qualities? Which I interpreted as meaning, “Did I, I mean, could I, well, you know perform as good as you thought/hoped I could?”

Lola just looked up at him, while considering his last spoken lines, thinking that they might just be able to make Beautiful Theater together? She crossed her legs while inching her white rabbit socks just a millimeter closer to his puny muscle saying, “I

“Well” said Lola impatiently “What were those two really up to?”- In that deserted Theater, off the beaten-track of Homer Alaska, with her vulnerability just starting to show, as he reached over to kiss her waiting lips for the first time!

After that kiss, that might just win him that Oscar at the annual Award Ceremony at Homer High School’s Homecoming Party, she replied, “Are you sporting the Tattoo of a Real Alaskan Man under your Imitation Grizzly Bear Tunic, or is that only a dream that you’ve had during the length of this present blog?”

-crunching heard as he pushed the cereal box aside, saying-

“Gosh Lola. It says here that Fettgans is another word for Penguin!”

“Funny coincidence, huh?”



While Standing on His Soapbox

“Tell me what you can see?” A simple question for a simple thinker.

Lola was getting rather ticked off with numerous mentions of Alberta, Canada, and-

“Uh Lola. This is almost as exciting as when you say Alaska!”

Lola was getting rather tired, when the man who chose to occupy at least 45% of their bed at night, continually referred to another place on God’s Green Earth, and that not being where they called home!

“Now look in this direction, won’t you?” Lola had turned up her charm and patience to a level that most assuredly would get her through this blog, but she had been wrong about that kind of thing before.

“What do you see?”

He squinted, then held his hand such that it shaded his sight. His utter silence was only broken by the lonesome call of the Canadian Geese, who were winging their way overhead, bound for-

“I see…..Alaska!”

Lola just beamed and breathed a sigh of relief, before continuing. “And when you stand up on this soapbox, what then catches your eye?”

-placing a soapbox procured from the Soldotna Soap Box Company of Kenai Alaska, next to his feet, then directing him thus….-

“Gosh Lola. If only you could see what I’m seeing up here! It’s just magical!” said by the man who began to wave and yell at the top of his lungs, “I’ll tell her so, Sure as shooting!”

“Who in Homer’s name were you yelling to up there?” asked Lola as she craned her neck in a Cantilever fashion, but couldn’t see more than the hairs on the back of his neck. “Haven’t I told you before to shave your neck?”

“Some women like their men to have a certain amount of hair on their bodies, so they can run their fingers through it when they are, well in the process of, in case the moment presents itself and they give way to, well, you know?”

“Look you. Forget those hair follicles right at the moment and tell me who you were waving to?”

“Well, it was your mother, and she was excited seeing me so high up over Homer….You know Homer Al-

“Don’t start with me! I know where my mother lives, but I can’t understand how you and she can see each other, when you just are standing on….Get out of my way” she said, pushing him off his throne and assuming an air of Royalty with her scepter and her royal imitation grizzly bear robes, saying “Uh. I can only see that largish telephone mast shaped like a Sitka Spruce!”

Queen Lola of the Alaskans displaying her fine form

“Gosh Lola. You sure have found your sexiest photos to grace our humble blog with!

B. climbed up next to her, standing relatively close to, but not entirely on top of which made her mother scream at the suggestion that they were really, uh well, they actually were close enough to, but only if you had a vivid imagination, but “Won’t somebody call the police and report something!”

Lola’s cellphone began to ring……”Hello. Yes this is Lola. No she/I am not some floozy who consorts with men in broad daylight, when their mother is watching….No Mom, we are not, well you know, not at this exact moment, that is, and if you didn’t know that by now, some might say that…No we are just extremely close to each other’s way of thinking, that’s all!”

“Gosh Lola. It’s really special being up here with you right now! Maybe we could do this more often, you know set up a table with some chairs, and eat our Moose Chips out here, while we are drinking Edmonton Chablis, or, or

“And how far do you think it is from the ground to where my foot is hovering so close to your most private area?”

He stepped off the box and ran back into the house. Lola just stood there ans sighed thinking how she just wanted him to see that it wasn’t possible seeing Alberta from that soapbox, but the way that this blog was progressing, she knew in her heart that, that-

“Here it is Lola. My Official Meter Stick, Old Edmonton, as my dad used to call it! Now let’s see, if I was way up yonder, where you are now, then moving the stick way down, where I am right now then, then….Uh Lola. Why are we outside concentrating all of our energy on this soapbox anyway? Are you ready to give a speech or something? I’m all ears!”

He sat down on the ground and looked admiringly up at the woman whose prowess and sex-appeal was known far and wide on the Kenai Peninsula, and if you were lucky, and stood next to her on that soapbox, then you too might experience her majesty, closer at hand…..

Lola just looked down into his large, trusting eyes, then told him, “Before I forget, my mother sends her regards, and if you are game, then take this soapbox under your arm, after I’ve descended that is, and meet me in the bedroom for a continuation of my speech!”

“And remember to tell me again about my prowess and sex-appeal, and then we can do all those things that my mother already has accused us of doing……

“Out in the great outdoors of Alas…… ka!”

“Gosh Lola. Then you can try out my neck hairs again, huh?”

Alaskan Volcanoes 101

Alaskan Volcanoes 101 is the latest pyroclastic blast presented by Homer University. Learn about the aspects and implications of living and breathing possible Hydrogen sulfide in your local neighborhood, as well as fixing those nasty ceiling cracks caused by….

“Now Class. I’d like to begin today’s lesson about Explosive Events in our local area. Are there any questions, before we begin?”

“Hey Teach. If we are good today, are you going to take us out for a Moose Malt at the Volcano Cafe, like you promised last time?”

“Tristan. My name is Lola, and I’d like you to address me as that. Last time, as you might recall, we were just about to visit the Volcano Cafe, when one of the class decided to emit unpleasant gasses, causing an immediate evacuation of the premises!”

Tristan turned to Barney saying, “Hey Man. That Hydrogen sulfide from the old Fumerole can be rather smelly, right?” The two Vision Moose gave each other a High-Five Mooser, while B. only said, “And I couldn’t wait until we were all eating Moose Fries and shooting straw-wrappers at the teacher and all!”

“Boys. Boys” said Lola, as she looked into their faces, expecting the light of knowledge to shine upon them, almost like a Nuée ardente, (French: “glowing cloud”) Wikipedia, would be-

B. speaking again, “But Ms Lola. Now they say, “Pyroclastic Flow” instead!”

The other boys just looked at each other whispering, “Teacher’s Moose, that one!”

Clearing her throat, then shuffling her papers, she tried to steer the class back on track once again.

“Now. Have you all done your homework assignment, “My favorite Alaskan Volcano?”

Nodding heads and moving of chairs, while one of them remarked, “Hey Teach. When is the break coming up? I’ve got a new issue of Moose Girl’s Monthly to show the other boys!”

“Tristan” began Lola again. “That magazine is most likely disrespectful to Moose Girls everywhere, but if you only read the articles, instead of ogling the photos, then I guess it’ll be all right. All right class, 5-minute break before presenting your papers.”

Howie was trying to “bum” a non-smoke from one of the others, when B. remarked, “Howie. Don’t you know that not smoking cigarettes won’t stunt your growth?”

Tristan and Barney just had a laugh on his expense, while ogling the fine Moose Girl’s Monthly. This month’s issue featured a gal named, Moosette sporting a Volcano E-cigarette dangling out of her-

“Hey Tris” remarked Barney as his legs dangled over the edge of the table, “Isn’t that the same Gal who you romanced before? Just look how far she’s gotten!”

Tristan held up the text to study the grammar a bit closer. “Right on Dude! That’s her all right, and look at this Moose Mole right her behind her left front fetlock! Not everyone will have seen that one, eh?”

“Well” said Barney. “You were closer to her than the rest of us, weren’t you?”

“Boys. Time is up! Howie! Take that non-smoke out of your mouth and get back inside!”

The boys trudged back into the classroom, wondering about what it was like to appear in such a prestigious magazine, with its good grammar and excellent angles of the language at hand!

“All right” said Lola. “Who is first?”

B. raised his hand, then moved to the front of the class, while Tristan and Barney made obscene Moose signals, then hid their snouts behind their fetlocks!

“Boys. Behave yourselves” said Lola, as she fixed her hair using the mirror on the wall, then gave it a classic “swirl” before-

“Ahem” said B. while shuffling his papers. “The Mount Meager massif is part of the Garibaldi Volcanic Belt (GVB), the northernmost segment of the Cascade Volcanic Arc (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Meager_massif)

“Hey Dude” said Tristan to Barney. “Why is B. still harping over Canadian Volcanoes? Is it because of that Gal from Alberta, or something?”

Lola stopped swirling her hair as well, storming over to B., at least that is what stood on his name card on the table.

“Young man. Haven’t I warned you before about introducing foreign Stratovolcanoes to this class? We are only concerned with American Stratovolcanoes of the Alaskan Type!”

“Hear, Hear” yelled Barney and Tristan in unison, while Howie only wondered if they were going to be cheated out of those Moose Fries and Malts again this time?

“Gosh Teach, I mean, Lola. If you just dropped your boundaries a bit, then you’d see that the Cascadia Subduction Zone runs almost all the way to Alaska! We are more or less neighbors with those British Columbians!”

The other boys buried their snouts down in their books, while plugging their Moose-Pods into their ears. This discussion might take a while, they thought?

“You were the one who wanted this “Fantasy Sequence” to occupy space during our limited blog-time, which makes me wonder why we are discussing Canadians again? Do you have a secret volcano wish with Ms Alberta?”

“Lola. I’ve never even met the woman. If I said, my favorite Stratovolcano was Mt Redoubt, would that help us move on with this blog?”

Lola considered the blog-meter ticking far over the 800-word mark, then saying, “The title of this sequence is Alaskan Volcanoes 101. Not neighboring Stratovolcanoes and their Subduction Zones, and certainly not the placid plains of the Edmonton Area! Now I want you to choose which Volcano you will be accompanying to the Volcano Cafe: Her, or Moi?!”

“Wow, Lola. And in French and all. I’d have to be a real Moose-Head not to choose you, you know? Come on Fellows! Let’s hit the old Cafe, The Moose Fries are on me!”

laughing

Tristan says, “Yes, and the Moose Malts will be on, and all over you as well, unless you understand Lola’s grammar a bit better, than you have, this time………


File:Cascadia subduction zone USGS.png

Then his muscle flexed, and

Today ladies and gentlemen, the Grand Championship of sheer, brute force! Our contestants, or better said, combatants, will be flexing their muscles in this year’s “Opening the Lid on the old Mayonnaise Jar Competition – no holds barred!

The crowds are going wild in the otherwise quiet town of..thumbing through Google Maps in search of…Kasilof,…… carefully chosen for this event, seeing as how it never has been used in a blog of this caliber before!

Lola had just about lost it while trying to redeem her ticket for the day’s event, with the ticket-taker insisting that they knew each other from their younger days in Edmonton Canada, with Lola saying “Look you. I am an Alaskan through and through, and not somebody from that country over yonder!” The others in line in back of her started craning their necks, some using Tower Cranes, while others were satisfied with Mobile Cranes, while Lola just stood there, tapping her foot, wondering why in the world everyone acted like that Goofy Butt, she shared her existence with, now what was his name again?

And at chair, lucky number 7, we have B. a local boy from this General Area, but due to the GDPR regulations, we aren’t allowed to say exactly where he and his mate, Lola – last name unknown – actually did live!

“Why do they keep saying that they aren’t allowed to say anything, but end up doing so anyway?” yelled Lola at the loudspeaker, as the crowd looked at her, wondering where her home town actually was, and did it lie along the North Saskatchewan River?

“Peanuts” the vendor called out, as Lola looked for her seat number. “Deep Fried Jell-o, Taber Corn, Deep-fried Onion Cakes” – looking deeply into Lola’s well, eyes saying “We’ve got all of your favorites today, Honey! What will it be?”

Lola sneered first, then stood up, while the woman next to her was biting deeply into her Fried Jell-o, then said, “Look you. I don’t know what kind of foreigner you take me for, but you are barking up the wrong Province, Got it?”

And for our foreign visitors today, The Cuisine of Alberta! That’s in Canada, if you didn’t know it? All Right Now, All of you Albertans out there, Show yourselves by yelling out, “I-

Lola sat down and buried her nose in the program. The main event had better get a move on, what with over 400-words gone – wasted on building an impression of something that most likely will only detract from the main idea of this blog!

The man next to B., Mr Muscle, flexed his muscles as he eyed the mayonnaise jar in front of him.

B. just asked, “Why in heaven’s name is mayonaisse so difficult to spell anyway?”

“Look Buddy. Just right-click it and move on!” then continued to flex his many muscles, while waving to his Gal in the bleachers.

“Well” said B. “I’d like to think that a pickle jar would be easier to open, but I might be wrong about that as well?

“Why is that brawny fellow waving at you?” asked the woman next to Lola, as she sipped her Alley Kat Beer and said, “He’s a looker all right! Are the both of you from Edmonton, or did he bring you in from the back-country, and get you all cleaned up for City Life?”

Lola just ignored her, as she tried to catch B.’s attention.

“Well, looky there” said Mr Muscle. ” I can see a pretty thing way up high in the bleachers just a waving at me and all! Guess one of us is going to get lucky after the match is over, aren’t I?” said then started flexing his muscles, while he beamed up to the young lady, and her elderly mother!

At the count of 5 the match will begin. Remember that no external opening aids are allowed, and the use of teeth, while legal in parts of Alberta, are frowned upon here in Alaska!

“Well. That sure cuts down on your chances, don’t it?” asked Mr Muscle, as B. flexed his one puny muscle in anticipation of the start of the-

Flexing his one puny muscle in anticipation of, of –

“Bang!” the traditional firing of the 30-30 Winchester has signaled the start of the, the – whispering to someone next to him – What do you mean, that wasn’t the starting shot?”

“My lord in heaven” yelled the elderly lady, spilling her Beer onto the woman next to her, “Uh Sorry about that Miss, but….Now where did she run off to, I wonder?”

Mr Muscle just about succeeded in removing the lid off the jar, when a bullet with his name on it, whizzed on by, striking the jar of the fellow next to him!

“Hey Buddy. That might be the way things are done in Canada, but here in the Good Old U S of A, we use our raw strength to win contests like these, then we shoot up the town, with rifles like yours, afterwards!” He looked up into the bleachers to see if that young looker was still eyeing her chances with him, but only saw her elderly mother waving back at him!

B. just made his way towards the front gate, stumbling across “The Cuisine of Alberta” which looked like it had seen better days. Just outside the deserted parking lot, a voice greeted him with “Hey Mister. I could really fall for a man like yourself, with that puny muscle that just drives women wild!”

“Gosh Lola. What a crazy party, huh?”

Lola just nodded and said, “How about we catch some Fried Jell-o and an Alley Kat Beer in town, before we head off into the sunset in each other’s arms?”

B. just kicked the Tundra Dust before saying, “I knew someday my puny muscle would win me the girl of my dreams!” and with that said, The blog drew to a close.

“I’ve always had a thing for older women” said Mr Muscle to Lola’s mother, as they considered their place in the fading moments of this blog.

“Well, just keep your muscles where I can see them” she said, and wondered how Canadian Men were in bed, as this blog started to tear around the edges, while someone considered tossing it into the nearby circular file, but then held it briefly in his hands, while whistling a tune from another place, called…….