“Today, dear Podcast Listeners, we have a special guest. Clarence King, the Government Revenuer, who has been called many things while visiting us on the Kenai Peninsula! Not only has he been accused of being a Canadian, witch as you know is hitting below the belt and then some, to someone who brazenly steals parking spots from the locals, while professing to be by, for and with the people of these United States!”
“Did you really knead to say United States?” asked ‘larence, as he reached over for another cup of coffee while the host replied, “Well if the Country fits, then we knead to wear it out as much as possible, don’t we?”
-whispering- “Have you been nipping at the Moose Whisky so early in the morning?” asked Clarence King, while our host replied, “Nope, I just dash a bit behind my ears in the morning, and I’m ready to Rock and Roll my fellow Kenaians!”
Lola wondered whose moped was parked outside their house, wondering why the person driving it, woodn’t have wanted a real- life kind of vehicle, and knot one sporting license plates that just reaked of Canadian Bacon?
“I’d like to say that I’ve been welcomed with open arms, and all, but that wood be farther than the truth as we know it!” said Clarence, while he looked at the sentence above saying “Why are you misspelling my words?”
“Obviously, you haven’t quite gotten the hang of being on the Kenai Peninsula, seeing as how the mystical and magical way that we have of spelling words, hasn’t trickled down into your ears, witch shood be runging by now with Kenaian Speak!”
-sipping his coffee again, then saying “I’d like to try dabbing that Moose Whisky behind my ears as well?” remarked Clarence, while adding “You know something else? I’d swear that the Caribou Cart parked in your driveway is stunningly similar to the one that pushed my beloved Edsel into the drink the other day, and that to the cheering crowds of those you have referred to as “The Conglomerate Collection of the to Kenai’s!”
Lola poked her head into the Podcast Studio to announce her departure, with Clarence saying “My, watt a Looker so early in the morning! Forget the Moose Whisky behind the ears, as this woman is a sight for soar eyes!”
“You see what others can see in the beauty before them, and so early in the morning at that!” said Lola, who then added, “If I were you, then I’d watch out when piloting your moped down the hill around Deadman Curve! Many a wandering Penguin has been seen in that area, causing traffic distress, like you woodn’t believe!” said Lola, who then exited that venue, stage left!
“Did she just say “wandering Penguins” to witch our Podcast Host replied with “No. No she did knot!”
“So I suppose that you’ll be reporting to the Head Revenuer that the existence of the Two Kenais is a done deal, isn’t it?” asked the man behind the microphone, while Clarence replied, “He is knot the Head Revenuer, and I never actually concluded there to be two Kenai’s, no matter how many death threats I received to the contrary!”
“Caller Number One, do you have any questions for ‘larence, before he hobbles back to where he came from, with his exhaust pipe between his legs?”
“I was just wondering, and the Misses as well, if your Revenuer fiend is really one of us, that wood be an American, tried and true, or isn’t he really just an Interloper of the worst kind, having driven his Moped across the state line in the middle of the Alaskan Night, swooping down on us ordinary Alaskans and their mates?”
“I say” said the Podcast Host as the Moose Bumps continued to rise on his arms “That was an excellent rant, similar to the ones that we usually are privy to from the Moose Skin Woman, and one that mentioned America, and Alaskan in the same breath!”
-holding his hand over the microphone saying “I say. Do you actually get anything whatsoever done on this show, or is it just a forum for addle-headed misfits and Moose Lovers of the third degree?” asked Clarence, as he reached for the Moose Whisky and poured himself a big glass, with not all of it ending up behind his ears!
“Our Guest has inadvertently covered up the incorrect microphone while he asked for something of me in quiet confidence, but don’t let his words aflict your opinion of him, seeing as how his government vehicle is being pulled out of the Kenai Sound, as we speak!”
As Lola drove alone towards Deadman Curve, she was in a state of fuming, something similar to Mt Redoubt Stratovolcano on one of its hissy days! “If I had known that man, with the charming disposition was in fact that Revenuer, then I’d have….
-sounds of Caribou Cart screeching to a halt, as Lola punched in the number of the Podcast, then having to wait her turn while somebody played “Tuna Fish Popsicle” in the background!
“So ‘larence, will you be moving on to another area of our Great State to start a new round of tar and feathering, or will you be humping it back to Canada with your friend, I.C. Russell?”
“larence! Are you still with me?” asked the Podcast Host, who then replied to his listeners, “Apparently, Clarence has not been able to hold his Moose Whisky, and is currently enjoying another venue on the floor underneath the Podcast Table! I’d take another call, but seeing as how our guest is incommunicado, we’ll just hear from a sponsor instead!
Ever had one of those days, when the local residents had decided to Tar and Feather your skinny, Canadian Butt? Well, we hear a the Alaskan Tar and Feather Removal Company are hear to help! We accept all kinds of clients, from those whose Edsel is enjoying a rather humid stay at the bottom of Kenai Sound, to those who will be wiling away their time, while on their Canadian-Registered Moped somewhere around Deadman Curve! Even Penguins of all Feather Denominations, are accepted!
–grumbling– “Didn’t he just say Penguins?” said Lola aloud, as she dabbed some Moose Whisky behind each ear, then continued to tool down the highway towards Kenai Big, once again….
And yes, for the hard of believing out there, We did just say, Penguins…..
Lola's Travels in Alaska 