My Friend Named,…..

“One man can never have enough friends” said by Lola, my number one friend and confidant. She was just making dinner one day when I walked into the room with exciting news!”

“Hello” said by me, but followed it quickly up with, “How’s tricks, Lola” which seemed to fit nicely to the occasion, with her name being Lola, and mine being-

“What in the world are you doing?” was her first question for me, but the next had to do with the title of this blog. “What is the name of this friend?” She asked me with the question mark residing within the quotation marks, but I still wanted another piece of punctuation, but that was voted down with a resounding, “No!” also within its own quotation marks. The funny thing was something I had recently read, where the author used only a single quotation mark, but most likely had another name, and purpose? Lola then asked, ”

“Am I really the only witness, you have, when you finally have lost your mind?” to which I replied,”No, because you haven’t yet met my new friend.”

In walked, or rather limped a parrot with a decided limp to the left. I suggested that we turn in his direction, or he would soon be traveling in a circle, with the difficulties there of.

“You have a parrot?” asked Lola with a certain amount of doubt in her voice, but that might be due to her upbringing by those Heinous Canadian Gypsies, who failed to teach her how to act while greeting an authentic Alaskan Parrot! She then said,”

There is no such thing as an authentic Alaskan Parrot, which I didn’t put into quotation marks just to challenge others with their punctuation bold and brashness, but I wasn’t about to be bullied by that!

I countered her by saying, “Of course there is, or he wouldn’t be standing in front of you, while leaning to the right. That was him and not you! The man in Palmer Alaska, was just standing there, while I whistled a tune about white rabbits and the woman of mystery, who tended to them, when the man came up to me and said, “Hey Buddy. Come over here.” I looked to the left and the right, then I looked between my legs behind me, but suddenly, I felt him tap me on the shoulder and say “I can see by your curiosity that you are in the marked for an Authentic Alaskan Parrot, named,….”

“It seems you are a master at not naming names. I seem to recall a certain brother to another certain Vision Moose, whose name you failed to tell me about, just to drive me up the walls, where no self respecting parrot from Palmer, would dare show his beak!”

“I just turned to….and said, You see. I told you she would take a liking to you, and it didn’t take long at all! You haven’t even told her your name yet!”

Lola just crossed her arms, then sat down, and crossed her legs. I was getting the feeling that to use the word, “liking” was perhaps a bit too hopeful, with Lola’s body language telling me that she was “Closed” for business, or whatever they called that kind of thing in this section of Alaska?

“Well. The man told me that …..had come from a long line of parrots that could do tricks guaranteed to dazzle and amaze, while the people involved would most certainly want to name their, as yet unborn, children after this one in a million kind of parrot!” I said, “if I had children, other than Howie that is, I most certainly would consider, that…”

“Aren’t you getting tired of writing ……? Why don’t we just clear the air around here and hear what the poor lad’s name really is?”

We both just looked at him, and I said to Lola,,, She was the other person in this story, if any of you had forgotten that fact, and the funny thing about it was how we actually met one another. -” Why did you use commas back then?”, she asked me breaking my train of thought, but that would be obvious to those people wondering every time I wrote, …. Anyway, we were in Palmer Alaska about the same time looking to purchase our very own Authentic Alaskan Parrot, when she stepped on my toe trying to buy……before I did. Well, I wasn’t going to let any Canadian Gypsy Woman do that to me, so I took out my bag of tricks and,,,

“Were you Felix the Cat?” asked the woman whose disregard of my presence in Palmer Alaska at that point in time would make me wonder these many years later, how we managed to stay together despite-

“Despite what?” she asked, but she knew the answer as well as I did. It was our shared love for Authentic Alaskan Parrots that drove us together, but I said that she should be the one who had the honor of naming him!

She thought about it for a while before answering. “His name is…..”

“So you see Lola. You started me on using those ……instead of the real name, but now that the story has come full-circle, we might as well tell our faithful readers what his name really is…..”

Sorry about those….. I digressed a bit.

“Say it! OK! What is his name?” asked Lola whose face color was similar to his feathers, while he was out basking in the warmth of the fading heat of the Alaskan Summer, while

“Well, Healy of course! And I was really beginning to think,,,,

,,,,you’d never ask……!”

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Going Off in a Ruff!

Dad told my mom, we are moving to Fox River, but she wanted to know why we had to leave Healy in a ruff, as if,

but Lola stopped me saying, “ Ruff is not an English Word so if you want to further its meaning then,”

but my Mom only said, “Which femail Geologist have you sent your letter to, getting her gotten-ruffen in trouble?” which meant to me that Dad might have gotten into a Ruff with the unnamed woman, with us having to high-tail it out of town on a rail! That’s what Mom said, when I asked why we needed to leave the comforts of Healy, and move to an even more nondescript place like Fox River? Dad just said, “It’ll only be until the whole mess blows over”, but I wondered how strong those winds needed to be?!

We moved there one dark and lonely night when my Parents packed their rock hammers and Dad said, “I only hope the Alluvial Deposits are interesting enough”, which prompted my Mother to say, “We wouldn’t have to move in the first place, if you had considered my Alluvial Deposits first”, but that just started the whole argument over again!

“Were you parents ever on plain speaking terms, or did they only argue the live long day?”

“Well, that kind of depended if it was the winter or the summer. In the winter time they seemed to spend a lot of time cuddling and lighting each other’s fires, or whatever they called that kind of thing in Fox River, but in the summer, when the days were long and mom’s alluvial deposits weren’t as well-deposited as the woman down the street, then they had over 18 hours a day to “discuss” their differences by retreating to neutral corners, then raising their rock hammers and saluting, before they..”

-“but not to worry, because my mom used to say that my dad’s head was as hard as SiO2, while he just said that he knew she had a soft spot in her Talc Area, and wouldn’t hurt a hair on her…well, let’s just say they didn’t ever end up in the Emergency Room at Healy General, well not often anyway…”

Dad said we’d be there in no time, but Mom said, “Do you know how far it is from Healy down there?” Dad just laughed and said, “Well, then let’s just move Healy a bit closer and,

“Is that where you learned out to move towns from one place to another?” asked by the woman whose attention span was flexing like a rubber band as I wove yet another tale of My Life Story, as told by Myself!

We stopped off in Soldotna to “fill up the radiator and lose the kid” as my old man used to say, which is why those Canadian Gypsies found me and took me with them to-

“What Canadian Gypsies?” asked by the woman who knew all about Gypsies, having been stolen by them from her home in that largish country to the East of Alaska….Now what was it’s name again…..Don’t worry, it’ll come to me sooner or later….

“You are not going to tell me that we were in Soldotna at the same time, and that is the first time that we met each other? Are you?!”

“You know something Lola. When you yell like that, it really reminds me of my formative years growing up with my Dad, Fred Spar and his wife, whose name escapes me at the moment? Well, Fred Spar was a man that-

“Was that your father’s name? Fred? You never told me that before? And why Spar?”

“Well, it seems that when he first went out with my mom, they used to take their rock hammers, spending their time pounding each other’s….now what was it they called it back then….Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? Well, my dad said Feldspar was the family name, but my mom being all out of breath and all after all of that pounding, thought my dad said, Fred Spar instead! Well, “-

“Don’t you have any idea what your “parents” were doing back then?” asked Lola, whose facial expression told me that this blog was spiraling down the Fox River towards Kachmak Bay, while you and I were just enjoying a Moose Shake in beautiful downtown Soldotna and staring into each other’s eyes telling each other funny stories about –

“Wait just a minute Mister! You were in the middle of at least 3 stories, then we ended up in Soldotna making Google Eyes with each other?”

“Well, we would have been doing other more interesting things, but the Gypsies were awfully strict about that kind of thing, so we had to settle for the “-

“I’ve told you before. We were not kidnapped by Gypsies. Neither Alaskan, nor Canadian Gypsies!

“Wow!! Canada!”

“That’s the Country, I’d forgotten the name of! Canada! Now what was so interesting about remembering that?”

“Well then. Let’s start all over again, shall we?”

“Dad told my mom, we are moving to Fox River, but…

Chapter 2 – Bunkworthy Jones

I had figured that by Caribou Back from Kotzebue a journey of some 14 days would get me close to me destination, when I doubted finding the correct path to Kobuk. My first port of call was the settlement of Kiana situated along the Kobuk River. It was one of peaceful contemplation, but I feared the solitude was about to be shattered, and the next events showed my fears to be true.

The winter frost had finally given way in the Far North. The frozen dam couldn’t take the strain anymore of millions of tons of water, surging around the ice-blockage, finally having been stopped by the sheer cliffs on either side of the narrow canyon, when the cracking and shattering sounds gave way to one tremendous….

The natives there, suggested finding an old Trapper, who had not been in the company of other White Men for as long as he could remember. He just rambled on about some Gal he once knew, or was it the last woman he laid back in Kotzebue at that little brothel, right next to the bakery at the edge of town? His comical speech, “Lola this, and Lola that” made me wonder what kind of woman she had really been, all those years ago, when his mind was just a bit clearer than the skies over the De Long Mountains, guarding the Northern Arctic from those who only wanted to take, but not give back to the Spirit of the North. The Great Spirit of the Arctic.

This woman, this sky spirit that men called Lola Selawik was no stranger to these wild and untamed parts in this corner of Alaska. She had traveled the length of the many rivers and climbed the highest points of the sky mountains, seeking inspiration and solitude, while the rivers surged and the sky boiled with upcoming storms.

I had read about someone like her, inhabiting the Far North, giving life and nourishment to her surroundings. The Caribou, the Moose, being her children all, when the night stars took, and the winds played a melody, not heard in the cities and the towns, restricted to the open spaces, the steeper sides of mountains unattainable, the lower canyons, where the trees almost couldn’t profess to belong, clinging as it were to the sides, the sheerness of another way of thinking. Of someone else’s thoughts.

It wasn’t that easy for me to find Bunkworthy Jones, better to say that he found me, what with him falling out of a nearby Sitka Spruce, spread-eagle upon me, as if I were a small white rabbit falling prey to a Cougar, a hunter of the wild! He finally accepted me enough to talk to me, with him being amazed to hear about the comings and goings outside his river home, what the world had come to, and where it was on the way towards. “Leave me to myself” he told me at last. “Me and my Lola are just fine here!”

There was, however, just him. No one called Lola, or indications of there ever being someone like that living in his ramshackle cottage of sorts with a granite slab providing the most stability, his world would ever come to know.

We just sat there, at his campfire shooting the breeze, when he stood up suddenly and pointed to the northeast:”Up there in the Desert. Kobuk Valley they call it. There is where you’ll find what you are looking for!” Then he just sat down again, and stirred up the coals as if nothing he just had said, ever existed.

That night and the ones that followed, a series of vivid dreams entered my consciousness, not unlike a wind that carried the sounds and scents of another place with it, changing my present landscape into something else, daring me to cross dry rivers and not fear drowning,  while someone beckoned to me from the other side. Standing on a dune of sorts. Towering dunes that surrounded my memories, locking them, sealing them into their own realities, while my own was altered, changed into something new, something old.

The next morning I found myself lying there next to the cold ashes, while the wind started blowing, telling me to follow it. Bunkworthy Jones just shook his head when asked if he would accompany me on my quest, with him giving way to his mutterings about rock demons and river spirits that would take and drown us sure as shooting! I finally convinced him to take me as far as his sanity would allow, and with that said and done, we broke camp and started out way up the Kobuk River Canyon.

What happened next would I be wary to relate to others, but I chose to do so all the same, in Chapter 3 – The parting of ways…

Treating Me Like I Was the Foreigner

And then he said, “Well, if the foreign shoe fits, then wear it!, but I protested, but he was better at arguing his case, and just up and threw me out of the window. Well, Bent, the owner of the Bent Antler called the Homer Police, seeing as how we were in Homer and all, and that’s how I ended up in the Hoosegow. The Pokey, you know with its questionable color schemes and colorful inhabitants. The officer in charge, who by the way was related to Wally of Wally’s Gun Emporium and Sushi Bar recognized me and asked if I was still seeing that crazy, Wacked-out Babe, who held the entire Police Force at Bay way back when at that bar, you know where we first me, and I could only say, “Uh huh”, because I wasn’t sure if at that moment in time was a good thing or a bad one?”

Lola just looked out of the window, and wondered if Mt Redoubt Stratovolcano needed a new roommate, because she might be in the market for a change of scenery, what with the trouble living next to, or actually nowhere close to the town of Homer….Alaska, depending on how and why anyone calculated distance on that small patch of earth called the Kenai Peninsula?

“I know, even before I ask you this next question, I’ll be regretting ever having asked it, but why did this fellow call you a foreigner?” asked by the woman, whose name stirred fear in most of the people, I knew, but got me out of a life in prison, the hoosegow, the Pokey..by just the mention of her name!

“Well, I just was having an Organic Cannabis Beer from the Wacked-Out Brewery of Soldotna…Alaska, when I showed the fellows this piece of paper.”

Anchorage Daily News

-with Armand saying, “I never knew you to be a foreigner before now!” and he just gave me an extra big hug, and offered to buy me a glass of Foreign Chablis!

I just shook my head, and said, “But I am an Alaskan, who lives in Alaska, and is in a relationship with an Alaskan!”, but Wally just said, “Who is she, and when do we get to meet her?” with the others just hitting each other over the heads with their authentic, American-Made Antlers from the Soldotna Antler Company, est. 1956.”

Armand said, “Maybe it was your Lola, who was the foreigner? Didn’t you say that she was kidnapped by Canadian Gypsies and….

“Did you tell your buddies that yarn about those Canadian Gypsies?”asked Lola incredulously, but not really surprised at all. Her indignation was an orchestrated attempt to show her disgust, but only showed her to react like other women that…

-Hey! Wait a minute. You with the keyboard! How do you get off by generalizing about women?-

….I, you, well, I tried to retract my last statement, but figuring that the damage was already done, I might as well whistle a little tune, and continue on about my business…..

“But you see Lola. I couldn’t even get into the Anchorage Daily News, because it accused me of being a foreigner! I never stepped on anyone’s GDPR’s Toes before, but suddenly there I was, being a foreign as those Canadian Friends, you seem to have, but not as foreign as it would make me lucky with women of that ilk, if that was important for me, which it is not!”

Lola just looked at him, dressed in his Prison Duds, waving his arms about, as if he had just flown the coop and was on the Lam from the Local Fuzz!

“Gosh Lola. Do you have anymore antiquated terms for describing my turmoil, or is it just “Mr Keyboard’s” way of changing the subject?”

Lola was silent, as she wondered where this blog began, what the original intent was behind it, and how in the world were they going to end it, without losing more credibility than they had in the course of the 670 odd words?

“Uh Lola. What about if we just say that this blog is over and done with and christen it with a bottle of champagne, not anything special, perhaps one of those cheaper types form Canada, or something then we can just go about our business, as if it never happened at all?”

“You know what?” said Lola as she watched me as I typed out the last words. “That is the best idea, you’ve had in a long time…

With her closing the curtain between me and them, but hesitating just a few seconds to give me her dirtiest and nastiest look, then sticking out her tongue…..then closing the curtain!!!

End of blog

 

Just a Little Pin Prick

“Gosh Lola. I don’t know if we really should get matching tattoos? What if there is a slip up and I remain disfigured for the rest of my natural life?”

Lola just looked at him before answering. “Your natural life? What is that?”

“Well. I could be walking down the street in, I don’t know, let’s say in Homer, Alaska and suddenly-”

….Suddenly someone will tell you, You don’t need to say Alaska, when  we live there….

-“and suddenly, someone from my dim past will be in my path saying “why oh why have you disfigured yourself? Why couldn’t you just have left the masterpiece like it was? How will I ever be able to touch you again, without thinking…”

…..who wouldn’t be able to touch you again?” asked Lola, but suddenly the scene faded to black and we see Lola Samoa standing on the ship’s deck, braving the onslaught of the storm like no other, then one of the men called out, “I told the rest of you, it were bad luck, bringing a woman onboard!” with the men muttering to themselves, while Lola only said, “If there be a man among you who has this! – Then rolling up her pant’s leg to reveal the most fabulous tattoo, they ever had seen in their lives depicting a ship surrounded by calm waters, an island with native girls beckoning them into their arms, their breasts revealed under their…

-but the man who had spoken before only said, “See How the Temptress has deceived you! See how her own body tempts and lure you closer! See what ruin she will bring us as we end up as flotsam and jetsam after she dashes us on the rocks of despair!”

“Gosh Lola. Pass me the popcorn, won’t you?”

But Lola’s eyes were glued to the scene unfolding before her. Never in her life had she possessed such a command of the situation, knowing exactly what to do, and who had to suffer at her hands so soft and warm to the touch, but strangling the man who only wanted to incite the others for their disbelief and…

“Uh Lola. I know you are an affectionate woman, but do your hands need to be around my neck when you are watching this film? ”

“Rally round me boys  and let’s throw the witch overboard!”

The men moved closer to Lola as her back was pressed up against the mast. Her eyes darting about, looking for something to save the day with, she lashed out with

“Just a little pin prick, there’ll be no more..Ah…But you may feel a little sick*

“Lola. Why don’t we reconsider those tattoos? There will always be time to do so another day, and you know that I come from a family of fainters?”

Her whip lashed out striking the leader with her own special mark. The man yelped in pain, revealing a homemade tattoo from her home somewhere in the Samoa Islands, where her people knew the meaning of the tattoo, and what power they possessed!

“Uh Lola, shouldn’t we be getting back home now? You know how I hate to run into the evening traffic on Highway 1. We might just as well guess the end of the movie, before..

Lola just turned toward the rest of the men saying” Well boys.. Is there another one among you who doubts our safe passage across these choppy seas, or….?”

The men filed off the stage, one by one and sat in the front rows wondering if it were too late to buy cinnamon-flavored buttered popcorn, or were their chances for that dashed on the rocks of her despair?

“I don’t know about you Lola, but this movie theater is becoming a bit too crowded for my taste! What say we…but then one of the men turned around and pointed at Lola, “There she be men. All gussied up and waiting to wreak havoc on the poor fellow beside her! Are we going to stand for that? ”

The men yelled out, “No” with a resounding shout, and they started to

“Lola. Wake up Dear. Giving her a bit of a nudge, but not expecting her to say, …”

“Hands off me you ruffians! I’ll let you feel the sting of my whip if any of you nears me and my tattoo!” and with that she lashed out at the men, as the storm in its fury, snapped the mast off just above her head, crushing them on the deck in one fell swoop!

Just then, the clouds parted, with us seeing Lola Samoa in her shining glory, being welcomed to the island, as the calm waters, and native girls beckoning her toward their, their…

“Don’t stop now” he yelled, as he was almost close enough to the native girls with their breasts being revealed under their, their…

“Just one more pin prick then your tattoo will be finished!” said Lola as she admired her own twin-creation of a ship, surrounded by calm waters, an island with native girls beckoning them into their arms, their breasts revealed under their…

“Ow!” he yelled as the final touches were made on his tattoo. A pair of coconuts that reminded him of, of…..

 

 

*Comfortably Numb. Songwriters: David Jon Gilmour / Roger Waters

The First Time We Met in Homer. Homer Alaska!

My parents were having this discussion, but when I came in my mother said, “Son” which is what they used to call me back then. Well, not my father, because he’d just pull my mother aside and say, “Don’t say that you’ll only encourage him!” but my mother just said, “S

“Are you sure you were a “wanted child?” which is something that your stories tend to tell me that you weren’t, unfortunately!”

“Well, they seemed to know that I lived with them, and my mother kept on saying, “he is our own flesh and blood!” Then one day I knew, my father really liked me. He said, “Hey you there” which is what he called me, when he was forgetful about my name! Then he told me that if I went on a little trip, he’d pay me $1 for every mile that I was away from them. Well, that is how I ended up in Homer, that is Homer Alaska, and how we met each other for the first time!”

“Let me get this straight. Your father paid you to stay away? What if you went back to Healy?”

“Well, that was no good, because then he would subtract money if I, but it didn’t matter Lola, if he hadn’t paid me all of that money, we never would have met each other that first time!”

“I walked into a store, named, “Susie In You” and it sounded a lot more exciting than those shops in Healy, but….I can see you are looking a  bit confused. Did I mention, I came from Healy Alaska?”

“Listen you. It isn’t the Healy part that was confusing, but the name of that store. Are you certain, it wasn’t called, “Sushi In You?”

“Well that wouldn’t make any sense, would it? Nope it was Susie, and I asked the fellow next to me, where I could get Susie, and he pointed right at you! Well, I was kind of embarrassed to ask why you were advertising your talents like that, or whatever that really meant to you Homerites, but I figured, what the hay, then said, “Uh Susie, Can I…

“My name is not now, nor was it ever “Susie, or Suzhi, or SuSusie!”

“And who is the one in Denial this time, I might ask? Well, it doesn’t matter now, because you asked me how a fellow like me coming from Healy (whispering – Alaska) could have so much money, but no good pickup lines? Well, I said, “If you want us to do something about it then, put up or shut up!”

“I never said that! ” said Lola while she wandered about the streets of her memory, trying to remember, when we really did meet the first time and…

“I did tell you, that your pickup lines didn’t faze me, because lots of boys had tried that on me before, and you said,”

Well. I didn’t really want to pry into your life. I mean if your other boys wanted to pry then I have a pretty good idea about how they went around it, but as for me, I only….”

“No one had been prying me like that! I was only saying that….Why did we start this conversation in the first place”? said by the woman, who was about to deny her name was ever Susie, but I knew about denial having come from Healy. That was..

“I know! I know it was in Alaska! Why didn’t you say that kind of thing way back, when and if we did meet in Homer Alaska, if it was really you that I met” she said looking just like the time when I said, “Susie. I want what those other boys never got from you, which is more than other girls might have gotten from me, if I had stayed there and defied my father! Why don’t we stop denying how we feel about each other and do the right thing? Then you just reached over the counter and kissed me!”

“Aren’t you really certain that this woman, named Susie from Homer, wasn’t really someone else? What if she is still waiting for you to put up or shut up instead of trying that pickup line on me, which by the way was a pretty bold thing to do back then in Homer. Homer Alaska!”

“Gosh Lola. When you say Alaska like that I get all ooky all over! Just like the first time when you said, “If you play your cards right, and use those dollar bills on a good-looking girl like me, then we might go far, and I mean a lot farther than I have with those other boys!”

“I never said, I’d go far with you! Oh, I might have said something like I’d go out with you, but “far” never entered the conversation!”

“Well, whatever you told me back then must have been pretty important, because when I told my father that I wouldn’t be returning home, he just said, “Who is this woman, that has fallen for your Goofy Charms? It really doesn’t matter anyway, because I think I’m going to like her, whoever she is!”

-And that is how I came to live on the Kenai Peninsula with a girl named Susie-Lola, who may or may not have come from Alaska, but did a pretty good impression of liking me at the time, as well as getting the blessing of my father, when he remembered my name that is….

 

 

 

Driving from Here to There

Once when I was very young as a child growing up in Healy Alaska, my father used to say, “Son. Someday you’ll want to explore this Great State, and that means getting to know the Alcan Highway! I wasn’t much for Aluminum in those days, but I knew if I saved enough of those puppies, I’d either be an Aluminum Thousandaire someday, or have costed my parents Mega Mucho Bucks at the Dentist’s Office in Healy!

My long road started out in 19-

“Wait a minute you”, said by the woman whose Aluminum-colored skin was the rage of the Metal Fair in Downtown Homer, Alaska! She would dare any of her many suitors to get her attention by using their strongest magnets, but they all fell by the wayside, with Aluminum not being conducive to her way of thinking!

“Conductive. Conductive is the word that you are thinking of”, said in such a way that I wondered if it really were twice conductive, or if the woman of my dreams, stuttered her way to the cockles of my heart?

-“And Alcan is not about Aluminum. It stands for the Alaska – Canadian Highway, you Dolt!”

It was not like her to mention Canada in a sentence, but I would often take her for Granite, when we would be out on a lark, studying the Alaskan Accretion Song made famous by those two devil-may-care songwriters of Alaskan Geology, Coney and Jones! They had a minor hit on the local Geo-Station called, “Tectonically Yours Baby” which was climbing the Quaternary Charts, when we first met each other at Healy U.

I was studying Geology in order to make my parents happy, but she only wanted to lie draped across the piano in the Structural Geology Wing of the University, drinking Whisky Sours, and wanting me to tell her that her eyes were as blue as the ice under Mendenhall Glacier. I really wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear, but the truth of the matter was that her eyes were not that blue after all! I was about to tell her the truth one bright and sunny day in December, that her eyes were almost as….

“Are you sure your father wanted you to travel the Alcan Highway, or was he just trying to make sure that you’d want to follow in his Bauxite Footsteps and-“

-but then disaster struck, before I could tell her the truth about her eyes! My father fell dangerously ill when traversing the Bauxite Mines near the town of Clear, Alaska. While he was being rushed to the nearby Hospital of Geological Anomalies, Mom just said, “Funny thing that, there are no Bauxite Mines in Alaska!”

We just sat by his bedside, wondering what strange illness he might have contracted when…

If you take a deep breath, then use the Page Up button, I’d like you to tell me where this blog first started going wrong?

I did, as I was told, but I couldn’t understand how someone couldn’t have any interest in not knowing the end of the story, what with my mom almost accusing him of High Fidelity, and the girl that I wanted to take, uh out, uh…The girl I wanted to make happy by telling her about her Glacial Eyes, while she was still lying about on that piano, in an extremely uncomfortable position, while I was wondering why a Highway needed to start in Canada of all places?

Dad’s eyes just fluttered a bit then they started to open. His first words were directed at my mother saying, “Honestly Dear, she said she was 21 year’s old, and not the 16 that the carbon-dating revealed!” and with that said, he collapsed into a feverish dream, while my mother considered running away to Anchorage with the first Divorce Lawyer that came her way! I held hands with Miss Piano outside in the hall while considering my options for the future.

Should I really travel that Highway like my father told me to do, or

-but I’ve told you, Mr Aluminum. That somehow you’ll need to travel through Canada if you are serious about traveling on that Highway!

I considered her words, as I thought back to the talk my parents had with one another, when my Dad had fully recovered and they had put the whole mess of my father’s accretion behind them. Mom just said that, he

Don’t you mean, your father’s indiscretion?

“No, My Dear Piano-Lover. You see, accretion means enlargement, and that is what my mother accused him of when he led that young girl down the steep pathway into that non-existent Bauxite Mine! You see, he was feeling his way down the path, when she said, “Oh my heavens, is that what I think it is, and he said, “Yes. It is exactly like what it feels to be, and she said, “Oh My Goodness Gracious, I’ve never ”

No! Stop right there you. I don’t want to know anything else about your Father’s enlargement issues, or his Bauxite Blues, or if Aluminum really does play an important roll in your future, but one thing is for certain, if you ever decide to follow in your Father’s Footsteps, then don’t!

Got it? Good!

-And with that said, I just lost myself in the bluest eyes this side of Mendenhall Glacier in Alaska….

or at least, the next to the next bluest eyes…..

 

You Can’t Know the Players Without a Program

Revised 23 December 2018.


Who is Lola? Ever wondered about that question? Who is Bunky and why are they together?

I love writing utra-short stories. About 800 words is my projected limit, because that in essence what the first stories written about Lola were in length, and continue to be here, some 8 months later.

I thought, I’d just list a few things about my Lola Blogs for those of you who haven’t followed this blog from its humble beginnings.

  1. Lola –  Dark Hair. Age unknown, but most likely around 30. Lives on Kenai Peninsula in Alaska. Lives with “Bunky”. Grows Cannabis for a living, making Cannabis Oil as a sideline. Is reluctant to admit to past events, such as where she comes from, why she has issues with her as yet, unseen sister, and why in the world she puts up with the whimsy that her partner creates in her life?
  2. Bunky – Lives with Lola. Given to bouts of whimsy. Tells endless stories about his upbringing in Healy Alaska. Parents both Geologists, with a difficult father and supportive mother. Has his own kind of logic. Uses a lot of time weeding his cabbages. Madly in love with Lola.
  3. Kenai Peninsula – Actual place in Alaska. Home to town of Homer (also real place) and a number of lesser towns along the coast. Lola and Bunky live near Homer, but also near to any of the other towns, regardless of how far they really are, if you calculate distance using real measurements
  4. Howie – Their “son”. A young Moose, found in the forest. Doesn’t say much. Blinks a lot. Causes trouble.
  5. Destiny – Old Western Town located somewhere on Kenai Peninsula. Only a fantasy place, but tends to show up here and there in the stories.
  6. Smoking – In a lot of the early blogs, Lola insists on taking cartons of cigarettes with them when they travel – to help resist the temptation of smoking. A “non-smoke” is always a cigarette than cannot be lit, and is always named after a Volcano, both in Alaska and around the world.
  7. 800-Words – Average length of blog. Often referred to by Lola as “now we are halfway to the 800-words, are we getting anywhere?”
  8. The Vision Forest – Home to Barney and Tristan, the Vision Moose who are involved with Lola and Bunky, often times remarking about what a catch Lola would be for any warm-blooded Moose, or…
  9. Alternative story lines. Alternative realities. Occur now and again, but always returning to the standard story format. Well more or less…
  10. QLola and KBunk. TV-, and Internet Radio Stations. Imaginary employees that go on strike, or listeners who riot when Lola fails to deliver!
  11. Penguin Sightings – Accomplished with their Authentic Penguin Pointer Dog from Palmer Alaska!

Funny things happen all the time, with rhyme and reason taking a back seat to whimsy. Where are the stories heading right now? Your guess is as good as mine, and you never know what direction they will be taking in the future?

That’s my explanation. The only one possible. All of the stories come from my imagination and Alaska seems a nice place to tell the world about what I imagine and where it might take me in my writings.

Enjoy!

– Oh. If you didn’t know it by now. This is a site concerning itself chiefly with “Fiction”, just in case some people might misunderstand its intentions.

Lola’s Hometown

“That’s quite an imaginative title, if I do say so myself” said by the woman whose name exemplified this blog. “Aren’t we journeying to Healy again, or have you exhausted that topic for everyone’s concern?”

“Gosh Lola. I only tell about my home town to show the people out in Blog-Land what has made me what I am today! Who my parents were, and why Healy is best left to the north of Anchorage, then here on the Kenai Peninsula, like someone suggested in an earlier blog!”

“I only said, we didn’t necessarily need to travel to Cooper Landing to buy costumes, but Nooo, you complained about there not being enough towns between Homer and Soldotna, and…”

-“but since that is neither here nor there, then we should concentrate this blog on your hometown….Uh Lola what is your hometown?”

Lola just fingered a Haleakalā smoke, but knowing how it had been dormant since 1600 A.D., then she wasn’t concerned about getting addicted to Maui’s tropic climate and swarthy natives, luring away from her Alaskan Paradise, while she….

“Uh. Lola. Can I break into your thoughts for a moment?” a voice entered her thoughts, while someone had just been putting leis on her neck, and kissing her while she…

“Where exactly is your hometown?” said by someone who spoke with a Western US Accent reminiscent of the swaying palm trees of California, and the Starbucks of Seattle, while she…

“Lo-la. Lo-la. Gosh Lola. This happens every time I mention your hometown. You get all googly-eyed and tell me “Aloha” or some other thing from Southern Alaska, or Canada for all I know? If you are stuck in some sort of Temporal Loop about your hometown, then we’ll just pull out the old Atlas and find a new town for you to have come from!”

“How about Palmer? Then we can visit your folks when the State Fair comes around? No. Well then….how about Clear? Then when I visit my folks and we get into the usual argument, with them shoving me outside while bolting the door, then we can always overnight at your folk’s place in Clear! You can talk to your sister and disagree about who your mom and dad loved the most, while I will be outside looking at the vastness of..”

“Look you” said by someone trying to bring Haleakalā out of is dormancy. “I did not come from Clear! And where my sister is concerned, you might as well hope that Sarah Palin will be the next President of the USA, if you think that her and I are ever going to get along! said while wondering if lighting a Haleakalā would anger the Hawaiian Volcano Gods enough to, to…

“Wow. Wally is going to be so happy when he hears about Sarah Palin! He has a thing for politicians and Sarah is on the top of his list!”

“Look Lola, this is a lot easier than you give me credit for. All we do is take one of these towns and move it someplace convenient for you. If you want it to be far away, then we might consider the North Slope! Your mom and dad can invite us up to see the Northern Lights, while we sip our Whiskey Oils and watch the Caribou Crossing the…Hey that reminds me of something. There is a blogger out there who might be able to help us! She lives in Alaska, just like we do, and could give us a few tips on a good place to come from! She is always…

“Who have you been communicating with this time?”Asked by the woman who still lacked a hometown, but wondered if Healy, that is Healy Alaska, wasn’t such a bad place to be from anyway!”

“I’ll start again”, said the woman whose finger just jabbed me in the eye, making typing this next section difficult, but not impossible…yet!

“Who have you been communicating with out in Cyber-Space? Was it that mysterious Canadian woman who has ruined you forever, making you poke fun at Canada from here to eternity?, or is she a mystery woman, who like me, has control of her life, despite being bothered by Goofy butts like you, who only make the extremely simple become the maddeningly complicated?”

“Hmm. Seems like a lot of questions to answer, but with us running over the 700-word mark, and still not having found your hometown yet, I’ll just put those things on the back-burner for now!”

“OK. I’ve got it. I’ll just put this blindfold on you, and…no it is not time for “pin the tail on the Kenaian”, but just bear with me until I growl, OK?”

“Now then, put your hand down into….no, we are not playing that game, “put your hand down here until you find something interesting to grab on to”…but now, you’ll find a number of pieces of paper with your hometown on them. Pick one and this discussion will be over….got it, OK. Take off your blindfold and read the name…”

“What’s that you say, “Healy Alaska”. Well congratulations!”

“I bet you don’t really remember me from your childhood days in Healy, but I was the fellow whose parents often would lock him out of the house, causing him to enter by the second story window. The family across the way, would always call the police to report a case of “Hanky Panky” but…Oh you do remember your parents calling the police?”

“Small world, huh? What? The other names in the box, well if you insist….

“Well there was Clear, and…well, if you really don’t want to consider yourself a Healyite, then you can be a Clear-ian instead! or was it, Clear-oodle, or a Clear-doodle, Wow A Clear Doodle Dandy…sounds like a song I used to sing, when I was a child back in Healy…Alaska, but I don’t need to tell you about it, with you being from there, and all…….”

 

Bigger Than Its Bitches

Our public service messages are bringing the whole of the Kenai Peninsula, including its outlying areas, important information continuing the long-standing tradition that this station has with Alaska and its citizens…

She was just sitting there, looking fabulous as usual, reading what he had just written, a pencil in her mouth, but neither nodding, shaking her head in dismay, nor gasping with glee. He was watching her as she read what he had just written, a

“Uh Lola. You are starting to repeat yourself.” He was watching her as she read what he had just written…

“-and you are as well.”Said by the woman who was wondering what they would be doing with the rest of this fine day, while the birds are tweet-tweeting, and the moles are, well -moling down in the ground while,

“That is you writing, and not me thinking it”, she said with a quick swirl of her hair. He wondered as well, what they could, would be using the rest of this fine day for, but didn’t want to spoil the moment with his thoughts suggesting that, uh well concerned, well, uh….

“Are you stammering again?” asked her thoughts his, but…

During the next months of our favorite season of them all, Winter. We will be bringing you important messages that will affect your life here on the Kenai Peninsula and its outlying areas. Areas of Interest might be: Has Mucky Peat troubled your dreams as of late? or, are you concerned that your Penguin Pointer has another agenda, then just Penguins?

“Whatever happened to our Penguin Pointer?” asked the love of my life, who never even had an inkling that her red-hot lover, sitting just too darn close to light her fire, was waiting with bated-breath, while she rambled on about Penguin Pointers and the like.

She crossed her legs then looked at him again. “Are you listening to what I am saying, or are you just sitting there, getting your jollies again, looking at my fabulous body?”

Uh.” he said, “I lent our Penguin Pointer out to the, or did I really loan him out to the”….stopping in mid-sentence, well almost if you didn’t measure it exactly, and looked it up in the old Kenai Book of Wisdom..”Uh.” he said again, “I loaned/lent our Penguin Pointer out to the…

“What do you mean, The Kenai Book of Wisdom? Is there really a book with that title, or are you just pulling my fetlock again?”

She did say fetlock, didn’t she? What is what he thought she said, but the boundaries of this conversation were getting a bit fuzzy around the edges, making him wonder if he wasn’t just dreaming this anyway?

Have you ever dreamed about living and loving on the Kenai Peninsula? Well, our roving reporter and Penguin Pointer will be coming with true-life stories about living and loving on this hunk of Quaternary Deposits, where You, and yes I mean You Too can make it in the shade, of the Alaskan Winter if You want to!

“I don’t know Lola, but having to put out those Public Service Messages makes me think that this blog/Internet-TV production has gotten a bit too big for its bitches!”

Lola’s head, which normally would have turned towards him in slow-motion, made a quick 90-degree turn with her eyes boring into his!

“And what Bitches are those?” she wanted to know, while he tried pinching himself in the arm with definite muscle tone, while she said,”

“Why don’t you go out and get your, “Kenai Book of Wisdom” and answer that for me?” said in such a way that I suspected that she didn’t really mean that anyway!

Well. Since I was having trouble anyway finding good muscle tone to give myself a good old Healy Pinch and wake myself up, I went into the next room and lo and behold, there was our Penguin Pointer pointing to, well…

He, that is Perky, just stared at me while I searched the bookshelves for….I mean, didn’t we have that book here somewhere? Perky was about to say something, but I then was awakened by the woman who had been sleeping next to me saying, “Come on Sleepy Head. Wake up, or should we just lie around in bed all day, having  a good roll in the hay, or something?” I rolled over to see Perky pointing towards the book on the top shelf of the, well, of the bookshelf.

I had just about reached it when someone said, “Are you going to waste all day on silly things, or are we going to do something more constructive with our time, said while revealing her most perfectly-formed body that…

“Come on Sleepy Head. Wake up, or are you just going to lie there all day mumbling about where your Book of Wisdom might be?” I rolled over to see…

“You already wrote that part”, said Lola as she uncrossed her legs and said, “How ’bout a good roll in the hay, or is there something better you’d like to do?”

Living and loving on the Kenai Peninsula. A Public Service Announcement from your friends and neighbors here at QLola, the Voice of the Kenai Peninsula and its outlying areas….

“Gosh Lola. And I always thought that the Kenai Peninsula was an outlying area…..”