How Many Fingers are You Holding Up?

Lola tried not to look concerned, but there was something nagging at her.

“All right”, She said with determination. “How many fingers am I holding up?” She asked him to see how well he heard what she was saying.

“Sex Now? Gosh Lola, the day has just started, but if you are in the mood, then I can just start pulling the old cord to get my engine running, but sometimes, the choke doesn’t work, or the cord breaks, or….what were we talking about anyway?”

Lola could see that his hearing was most likely on the blink, or was it really his eyes?

“Now. As I hold my fingers up, you tell me what you see?” Asking him while yelling at the top of her lungs, and waiting until his eyes registered, the number of…

“Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?” asked the Love of  Her Life, but his answer didn’t quite fit her question. “Come on Lola, I can’t wait all day, are we going to, well, you know, or should we save it for when you are really in the mood  and not just trying out your sign-making course?”

Lola thumbed through the Yellow Pages, until she found a doctor nearby their home.

“Look You”, she said loudly, while he just smiled with that goofy look on his face. “We need to take you to the Doctor, OK?”

First he nodded, then shook his head, but reached over and gave her a kiss and said, “No. I didn’t get the license plate number of that Moose, but you know how fast they are, don’t you?”

“There I was, just minding my own business, when out of nowhere, which is pretty much where we live anyway, a Moose appeared. Now don’t look so surprised, because it was a Moose! Well I told myself, if I had been listening at the time, “Watch Out You Fool” which sounded like something you would say, but don’t worry. I don’t take offense at something like that anyway! Well, he, or she as the case might be, just kept on coming, and I thought of using my Moose Whistle to ward him/her off? I fumbled about with it as the Moose grew closer, or if I had decided in my subconscious to move closer to it and…”

“Hey Lola, what are we doing at the Doctor’s House?”

Lola just parked the Caribou Cart and proceeded to knock on the door. After a while the door opened a crack and someone said, “Don’t shoot us Lola, Please!”

“Gosh Lola. They’ve heard about you. Isn’t that grand?”

Lola just pushed her way into the building while her longtime friend and companion continued to talk about how Moose really were from Planet B, and they had come to Earth to take our cabbages, and…

“Look here Doc” said Lola rather short and sweet. “This poor bloke has gotten himself run over by a Moose and….Yes. One of those largish animals that..No I did not get the number of his license plate, but….You know what? You might just be related to him…Now where has he gotten to?”

Lola started searching the building, then the backyard, then she noticed his tracks leading towards the nearby forest. A swirling noise was heard up ahead, and sure enough a flying frying pan of sorts, with the remains of the fried eggs from breakfast, not having water put on it while there was still a chance to clean it, without scraping the…but where was B.?

Just as she finished that thought, a door opened on the Space Ship with B. coming out together with a rather largish-sized animal that…

“Lola. Wake up Dear! Gosh Lola, what a dream you must have been having! You were yelling about “Did you get the number of that Moose ?” and I was really worried that we might have to take you to the Doc’s house again? You know he hasn’t really forgiven you since that last time, when his front window got shot out when you thought he was harboring fugitive Canadians in his living room! I said, “I’m sure they are just regular, residents of, of, then you broke in and yelled “It’s Alaska, you Boob!” then guns started going off and the Doc hit the floor, but….”

“Did you or did you not get run over by a Moose?” asking him point-blank, without blinking and demanding an answer before, they could…

“Well, I actually did Lola, just before we went to bed, remember? And you said, “Did you get the license number of that Moose?” and I said…

“No, I didn’t said Lola. I asked you to tell me how many fingers you were holding up, and you said, “5” but we can make it into Sex if that pleases you more?”

“-but then you reached out to kiss me, or was it hit me, but that is besides the point anyway! Well, I said “Gosh Lola” here I am feeling a bit woozy, and all you can think about is Sex!”, when you said, “It wasn’t me who wanted Sex, but you!”

And I said, “but I only held up 5 fingers”, but did you know how fast those Moose really are? Well, I do, because there I was, in the middle of nowhere, which by the way is where we live and……….



And then the rhino said

Starting off without any grammatical symbols whatsoever always worried me she said but I resisted the temptation to place commas before I knew how far she would go without them

You are making me sound like a loose woman of sorts but I just said that she had misunderstood my intentions which seemed to happen rather often

Do you really think you can retain control over this blog without placing your favorite symbols the comma quotation marks and an occasional period knowing a question mark would be out out the question continued the woman of mystery and me lacking in great numbers so few commas that I wanted her right then and there but hesitated when my exclamation mark failed to gain her attention

Hey Lola did I ever tell you the joke about the two giraffes and the rhino though I was pretty sure she would be thinking of a similar joke but didnt want to go down that road anyway

They walked into a bar and the rhino said It was going all right until you wrote didnt then that wavy line showed up and ruined your idea about a punctuation less existence


Cant you just ramble on a bit like you usually do before we need to examine each and every one of your short sentences

It seemed as if the color had gone out of their relationship the day that his fingers wanted to place their usual grammatical symbols but a part of him stopped just short of doing so He was thirsty for an occasional comma but she stopped him with her lovely hands and said Do you really think that a comma will do for you what I did last night when the moon dipped low on the horizon and we made suggestive hand signals in the semi darkness while you I did Oh how I did remember but I stopped just short of removing the last stitch of clothing from a body only the gods could have created She tempted me saying If only you could please me with your exclamation point then we could reach farther and higher than we ever have done before My fingers wanted to please her as did my lips but when the one index finger hovered over the exclamation point I wondered if it really would satisfy her needs I gathered her body into my arms and looked directly into her eyes Darling I most certainly want to give you everything you want and desire but I m afraid that my exclamation point if not going to be the means to do so She just turned away from my stare and sobbed a bit saying Mother warned me about men like you going around strutting your stuff but when the moment of decision came about they would refuse to give me the one most deciding part of them that would do the deed and then some

Gosh Lola if it means that much to you I could break Grammatical Silence to please you Really I could

Lola just turned her head away wondering why after the first two sentences he didnt go back to the normal way of writing but then we really dont always know each other like we thought we did do we

What about I place them right here then you can put them where you please


I dont know but I was just getting used to writing without worrying about the quotation marks being before the last symbol or before he said showing what he thought about without the use of proper punctuation

You men and your worries If only you realized what women spend their time worrying about then you d learn a think or two about punctuation

Gosh Lola I m glad we ve made this journey together but next time I ll be using my exclamation mark with impunity and you can count on that

You men filled with promises but lacking what we women really need …….



Finally, Being in Complete Control

You are in complete control of your life, remember that now! With our assertiveness training, you can be the one calling the shots in your relationship! You will take command of the conversation, allowing him to speak after you have spoken! Call us today at 1-800-youcandoit

“I am calling the shots, you hear me?” Lola was firm in her conviction, and didn’t take no for an answer. “When I want to tell you something, you need to listen and ask questions, when I say so, understand?”

“Gosh Lola. Who are you talking to in here? Oh Hey there Baby, looking at a saucy number in the mirror, Come around her often? Gosh Lola She looks just like you on one of your better days, don’t-cha think?”

-calmly, she told herself. calmly and without raising your voice to him-

“That”, she said with composure and dignity, “is my reflection. See how I raise my hand, and the woman in the mirror does the same? We are one in the same person.”

“Wow. Cool Lola. If only I could do that trick, but I am not as composed and dignified as you are, but don’t worry, after we hit the road for Healy, that is Healy on the Kenai Peninsula, and not the Healy you might think it is over by that largish mountain, and all. Well, let’s get ready with our goggles and may I say that you look stunning in your bug-away goggles! Take your friend in the mirror along with you and we can tell each other stories, we’ve never heard before, what do you think about that?”

-calmly. In the quiet of the bedroom when I want him to pleasure me first, I will take command of the situation, perhaps by gagging him, but not unless he will need to use his tongue and his lips to, to-

“Hey Lola. Why are your eyes going all googly and everything? I get that way sometimes when I have a touch of the vapors, or when I start thinking about something sexy, like the time you told me of your wildest fantasies! Remember that? We got dressed up without wearing any pants and you said, “Waiter. I need you to address my needs. And I said, oh my goodness, Ma’am, I think I’ve dropped an olive on the floor, and when I bent down to pick it up you-”

-think about what he is saying, and turn it into something positive.

“You told me that it had rolled down into a dark place. Well, I had to get on my hands and knees, with a flashlight and all! You said it was better if I used a candle, but then things started to go wrong, with things that didn’t need to be lit, being lit and the only thing I had to douse the flames with was my, well, but then you said, “This is way too kinky for my way of dreaming, and slapped my,  well, and we fell into each other’s arms while the flames subsided. That old olive was still missing though and I considered calling out the old boys from Homer Search and Rescue. You said that was not necessary, but agreed that something felt wrong, when we were, uh, well, and I said, I’m going in for the duration, and you said, “You’ve said that kind of thing before, but I fell asleep while you were lost down there in the darkness. I said, “but Lola, that was the whole point of your dream, wasn’t it, and you said-”

-be assertive. take control. Don’t let his words distract you from your main purpose in life-

“Well, about Midnight, I decided to throw in the towel. I admitted to you, that olive was most likely in another Borough, but you only said, “I wonder if there is a man there, that is better to satisfy my needs” which made me take a new dive with a mask, snorkel and flippers on, when you stood up and said,” this is the rest of my dream!” and we had to swim to the nearby island, where we smoked a number and shot billiards while you got yourself all gussied up and I was checking the old ticker, or whatever they call that kind of thing today, to make sure it was up to the task at hand. You took my hand and we walked together into the sunrise, or the sunset not knowing exactly which of Alaska’s Crazy Seasons it was? You just looked in my eyes and said, “Finally, being in complete control of the situation” then waking up and punching me in the shoulder!”

“Ow! I said, but I knew that it must have been a good dream somewhere along the line, because you ended up switching the TV to the channel with Assertiveness Training. “Hah! you yelled at the man on the screen saying “Try living with the man that I do, and see how lousy that poppycock works around here and then you reached over and kissed me! I was still nurturing the burn -marks on my, well, but we managed to find our way anyway. And the best part of it all, was when I found that olive making you say, ”


The Beauty of Caking Bakes

“I’m telling you Lola. I mean, Gosh Lola, I’m telling you that..No that doesn’t work at all!”

“Why don’t you just take a deep breath, and don’t close your eyes, or we’ll end up in the Emergency Room again with the nurses rolling their eyes saying, “Oh no. The Oddly Couple is her again!”

“I’m telling you Lola, this is going to be Big with a capital, B! I’ve been practicing baking cakes in my mind, with the help of Olga Kalashnikov’s Show, “Bun in the Oven, Ask Olga!,  but now it is time for the real thing! Just think of it, “Live on our Internet Channel broadcasting out to Mr and Mr Everyday Alaskan who might just be out skinning a whale or sucking on an Elephant Toothpick, when the call goes out “They are on something again today!” There we will be, using our assumed names, sporting our blacked-out eyes while Olga sings the Title Melody, “If you want loving, then-”

“Are we really going to have Olga sing some song in Russian? Don’t you think some of our “viewers” might protest to that, then jamming the switchboards, which we don’t really have, but sounds good anyway?”

“I tell you Lola, if I closed my eyes and just listened to your voice, I’d swear that you were me talking! Then I could put my feet up on the Toadstool and take 5 while….”

“Don’t you mean, feet on the footstool? but knowing how their house looked like, then anything might be possible!”

“Then the most exciting part will arrive. I’ll take on my special “Kinky Kenai Mittens ” available on our website, “www.kinkykenaimittens.aak with the orders rolling in! I’d be proud to model them for our public, with emphasis on their tear-away qualities, allowing for maximum “kinkyness” when the moment called for it! That would be a good time for you to appear in your “edible apron embellished with white bunnies, and the piercing eyes of the Caribou Woman, who…”

“I think it is just amazing!”, said Lola as she tried to follow his train of thought, but having to take on water and fill up with coal and all, she really was hankering for a smoke and a shot of Kenai Whiskey instead. She adjusted her “Edible Apron” so as to accentuate her best parts, without revealing what she only, in her very private showings, would allow others to, to…My Goodness. Now I’m really starting to sound like…..him!”

She watched how his eyes lit up like their one Christmas Light, which is a classic tale of how many were turned to few! She really hated how they wouldn’t blink in the correct order and in a fit of orderly insanity, shot them back to the Stone Age, or the Bronze as long as….”

“Gosh Lola, you have really been gone far away with your thoughts today. I was just sitting here talking with myself and thinking, “Wow. This fellow is going places!” I thought of inviting him over for a drink after the show was over, but he just shook his head like I did, which was rather confusing when you finally come down to it!”

“Lola! Here comes Olga and her song…standing up as if to salute the flag, he raised his hand, still encased in his Kinky Mitten, when he said, “Lola! Aren’t you coming for this alternative anthem? It almost sounds like….”

“It is the Russian National Anthem” you Dolt!”

“Well, I’d like to start off by thanking our sponsors today. Armand from the TruValu Store in Homer is running a weekend sale on “Denali Blue Paint”. If your old lady wants you to take a flying leap at, well, then maybe she’ll change her tune, when she steps into the newest color taking Alaska by Storm!”

“Let’s get to baking, shall we?”

“Today my fabulous assistant will be, well, assisting me in the baking process. Ms L. would you please take a bow. Wow! I mean. Thank you for your participation, “whispering – Uh Lola, shouldn’t you have put on some underwear today? Remember, how I had some specially-made with our website embroidered on the….”

“Now we start by turning on the oven to 200 degrees Celsius! Ms. L. if you please….What? no temperatures with that number? Well, we’ll just wing it then.”

“It’s kind of like mixing cement. Remember don’t forget the sand left in the bottom of the bucket! That needs to be used as well. Now take your mixing machine and attach it to your drill….Lola, I mean Ms L. would you stop giggling, when I say drill!”

“Now you’ll need to add the liquid. Remember that your cement will decrease in potency if you add too much….Ms. L. I don’t think this is the time, nor the place to discuss potency! If your partner has trouble, uh. providing for the correct ingredients for the cake to rise, then I wouldn’t think that he….No! This is not a Viagra recipe! If you have tried applying the correct stimulation, by using the tool at hand, then…No I didn’t say that you should use your hand as a tool to….I say! Would you please show a bit of dignity when bending down to….”

“OK. The Cake seems to be done. Ms L will now take it out of the oven and…My Goodness. Is it really that heavy? It tastes like, what? – switching on a commercial break while saying, “Lola! Did you just make concrete? That wasn’t on the plan was it? Whoa Lola. said as he steadied her before she….The recipe didn’t call for Cannabis did it?”

-switching to a recorded transmission, “Olga shows how to mix concrete like a professional Baker!…..




When My Polo Horse Got Me Free Milk

“Every single year we go through the same thing Lola, and I’m telling you, I’m getting too old for this kind of thing!”

Lola just looked at him wondering if he could make the grade, or was it really time to call in someone who could satisfy her Autumn Needs and Desires.

“Look, before you decide anything drastic, I’ll give it the old Healy U. try, but you know what usually happens!”

“It’s not as if we are leaving one another”, she said. “All I want is someone who can deal with the spiders and mice that turn up at this time of year!”

Why couldn’t she just let nature run its course anyway? Was it really necessary getting all hot and bothered over a few trifles running under the bed when we were reading each other’s horoscopes, or what was it they called that kind of thing anymore?

“It started today” she said, while her hands began to clutch something, with a certain hardness that made me scream, “Nothing is going to get started with a grip like that!” I said, but didn’t want her to start twisting and snapping off, before I had a chance to say, “It really doesn’t help the situation by breaking my polo mallet like that, you’ll just scare our Polo Horse, Mounty without just cause.

Mounty was of Canadian Stock, anyone in their right Alaskan Mind could see that, but we didn’t hold that against him. The man who sold him to me, along with a bag of magic beans and the key to the kingdom, told me that he, that is Mounty, had come from a long-line of Canadian Polo Horses stretching way back as far as my fingers could reach, right until I found the light switch with her saying, “If you can’t find what you are looking for in the light, you sure as shooting are not going to find it in the dark!” Mounty just laughed in his whinnying kind of way, but-

“All I asked you to do, was to remove the spiders from the kitchen, where they have set up camp, and are just waiting for Gen. Custer to ride into an ambush!”

Mounty just looked at me with his mournful eyes that seemed to say, “Oh Kind Sir, Please let me roam the meadows of Montreal once again!” while I, in my arrogance, only could think of how he would get me into the pants of the woman next door, and her obvious need for a Polo Horse and his fabulous-looking owner!

“All I asked you to do…”Wait a minute. I’ve already asked you to do the same thing, while you are wallowing in your Polo Horse about, about….but why in the word do we need a Polo Horse in the first place?”

“Lola. Dear, Dear Lola. Don’t you remember how last year, you started to hunt those spiders in the kitchen? What with things getting smashed and splintered, while I cowered in the safety of the freezing rain outside. I heard you yell, “If only I had a man who would please me by using his Polo Mallet and ridding the world of vermin, and other unwanted…”

So I thought, “Wow. If only we could find us a  Polo Hor” then we could use the mallet and rid us of…

Lola broke into my noble thoughts and said, “We did not need a Polo Hor! It was a Polo Horse, and that was your idea anyway. If we really needed a Polo Mallet in the first place, when why in the world did we need a Polo Horse to accompany it? Did you really think that you and your Canadian Mounty could ride through the kitchen, wielding your Polo Mallet, doing less damage and more good than….”

“But the man who sold me Mounty  told me, “Hey buddy, do you want to get the girl, and the milk for free?” but he didn’t have a cow, not that I saw anyways, and Mounty just stood there, looking a bit sad, and I said, “You mean, if I get the girl, then I don’t need to pay for milk anymore?” which sounded too good to be true, even to me.

Lola just shook her head, making the cobwebs swirl about, while the mouse only looked at her perplexed look from its perch on the kitchen counter.

“I’m going to be gentle with this explanation, OK? The man meant, if the girl you were “seeing” was getting serious about your “relationship” then you would soon have to start paying for her “milk” by “marrying” her. Are you with me so far?”

Nodding and Nodding. “Good. So the expression is, why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

“OK Lola. If you say so, but it doesn’t explain why I went into town to buy a Polo Mallet to smash spiders and mice with, but ended up with a Canadian Mounty, with no Polo Mallet, and definitely no Cow, whose milk would have been free, if I asked her to marry me? Or did I fail to understand what you were telling me…?”

Lola just sighed and looked at the 865 words, and counting, knowing now that her needs wouldn’t be getting fulfilled this side of 900, and decided to say,”Who wants some free milk and cookies?”

-with Mounty being the first one in line…..

.then the mouse

.then the spiders

then…”Hey. Why am I always the last one to understand what you are saying?….”