How Many Fingers are You Holding Up?

Lola tried not to look concerned, but there was something nagging at her.

“All right”, She said with determination. “How many fingers am I holding up?” She asked him to see how well he heard what she was saying.

“Sex Now? Gosh Lola, the day has just started, but if you are in the mood, then I can just start pulling the old cord to get my engine running, but sometimes, the choke doesn’t work, or the cord breaks, or….what were we talking about anyway?”

Lola could see that his hearing was most likely on the blink, or was it really his eyes?

“Now. As I hold my fingers up, you tell me what you see?” Asking him while yelling at the top of her lungs, and waiting until his eyes registered, the number of…

“Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?” asked the Love of  Her Life, but his answer didn’t quite fit her question. “Come on Lola, I can’t wait all day, are we going to, well, you know, or should we save it for when you are really in the mood  and not just trying out your sign-making course?”

Lola thumbed through the Yellow Pages, until she found a doctor nearby their home.

“Look You”, she said loudly, while he just smiled with that goofy look on his face. “We need to take you to the Doctor, OK?”

First he nodded, then shook his head, but reached over and gave her a kiss and said, “No. I didn’t get the license plate number of that Moose, but you know how fast they are, don’t you?”

“There I was, just minding my own business, when out of nowhere, which is pretty much where we live anyway, a Moose appeared. Now don’t look so surprised, because it was a Moose! Well I told myself, if I had been listening at the time, “Watch Out You Fool” which sounded like something you would say, but don’t worry. I don’t take offense at something like that anyway! Well, he, or she as the case might be, just kept on coming, and I thought of using my Moose Whistle to ward him/her off? I fumbled about with it as the Moose grew closer, or if I had decided in my subconscious to move closer to it and…”

“Hey Lola, what are we doing at the Doctor’s House?”

Lola just parked the Caribou Cart and proceeded to knock on the door. After a while the door opened a crack and someone said, “Don’t shoot us Lola, Please!”

“Gosh Lola. They’ve heard about you. Isn’t that grand?”

Lola just pushed her way into the building while her longtime friend and companion continued to talk about how Moose really were from Planet B, and they had come to Earth to take our cabbages, and…

“Look here Doc” said Lola rather short and sweet. “This poor bloke has gotten himself run over by a Moose and….Yes. One of those largish animals that..No I did not get the number of his license plate, but….You know what? You might just be related to him…Now where has he gotten to?”

Lola started searching the building, then the backyard, then she noticed his tracks leading towards the nearby forest. A swirling noise was heard up ahead, and sure enough a flying frying pan of sorts, with the remains of the fried eggs from breakfast, not having water put on it while there was still a chance to clean it, without scraping the…but where was B.?

Just as she finished that thought, a door opened on the Space Ship with B. coming out together with a rather largish-sized animal that…

“Lola. Wake up Dear! Gosh Lola, what a dream you must have been having! You were yelling about “Did you get the number of that Moose ?” and I was really worried that we might have to take you to the Doc’s house again? You know he hasn’t really forgiven you since that last time, when his front window got shot out when you thought he was harboring fugitive Canadians in his living room! I said, “I’m sure they are just regular, residents of, of, then you broke in and yelled “It’s Alaska, you Boob!” then guns started going off and the Doc hit the floor, but….”

“Did you or did you not get run over by a Moose?” asking him point-blank, without blinking and demanding an answer before, they could…

“Well, I actually did Lola, just before we went to bed, remember? And you said, “Did you get the license number of that Moose?” and I said…

“No, I didn’t said Lola. I asked you to tell me how many fingers you were holding up, and you said, “5” but we can make it into Sex if that pleases you more?”

“-but then you reached out to kiss me, or was it hit me, but that is besides the point anyway! Well, I said “Gosh Lola” here I am feeling a bit woozy, and all you can think about is Sex!”, when you said, “It wasn’t me who wanted Sex, but you!”

And I said, “but I only held up 5 fingers”, but did you know how fast those Moose really are? Well, I do, because there I was, in the middle of nowhere, which by the way is where we live and……….



And then the rhino said

Starting off without any grammatical symbols whatsoever always worried me she said but I resisted the temptation to place commas before I knew how far she would go without them

You are making me sound like a loose woman of sorts but I just said that she had misunderstood my intentions which seemed to happen rather often

Do you really think you can retain control over this blog without placing your favorite symbols the comma quotation marks and an occasional period knowing a question mark would be out out the question continued the woman of mystery and me lacking in great numbers so few commas that I wanted her right then and there but hesitated when my exclamation mark failed to gain her attention

Hey Lola did I ever tell you the joke about the two giraffes and the rhino though I was pretty sure she would be thinking of a similar joke but didnt want to go down that road anyway

They walked into a bar and the rhino said It was going all right until you wrote didnt then that wavy line showed up and ruined your idea about a punctuation less existence


Cant you just ramble on a bit like you usually do before we need to examine each and every one of your short sentences

It seemed as if the color had gone out of their relationship the day that his fingers wanted to place their usual grammatical symbols but a part of him stopped just short of doing so He was thirsty for an occasional comma but she stopped him with her lovely hands and said Do you really think that a comma will do for you what I did last night when the moon dipped low on the horizon and we made suggestive hand signals in the semi darkness while you I did Oh how I did remember but I stopped just short of removing the last stitch of clothing from a body only the gods could have created She tempted me saying If only you could please me with your exclamation point then we could reach farther and higher than we ever have done before My fingers wanted to please her as did my lips but when the one index finger hovered over the exclamation point I wondered if it really would satisfy her needs I gathered her body into my arms and looked directly into her eyes Darling I most certainly want to give you everything you want and desire but I m afraid that my exclamation point if not going to be the means to do so She just turned away from my stare and sobbed a bit saying Mother warned me about men like you going around strutting your stuff but when the moment of decision came about they would refuse to give me the one most deciding part of them that would do the deed and then some

Gosh Lola if it means that much to you I could break Grammatical Silence to please you Really I could

Lola just turned her head away wondering why after the first two sentences he didnt go back to the normal way of writing but then we really dont always know each other like we thought we did do we

What about I place them right here then you can put them where you please


I dont know but I was just getting used to writing without worrying about the quotation marks being before the last symbol or before he said showing what he thought about without the use of proper punctuation

You men and your worries If only you realized what women spend their time worrying about then you d learn a think or two about punctuation

Gosh Lola I m glad we ve made this journey together but next time I ll be using my exclamation mark with impunity and you can count on that

You men filled with promises but lacking what we women really need …….



Finally, Being in Complete Control

You are in complete control of your life, remember that now! With our assertiveness training, you can be the one calling the shots in your relationship! You will take command of the conversation, allowing him to speak after you have spoken! Call us today at 1-800-youcandoit

“I am calling the shots, you hear me?” Lola was firm in her conviction, and didn’t take no for an answer. “When I want to tell you something, you need to listen and ask questions, when I say so, understand?”

“Gosh Lola. Who are you talking to in here? Oh Hey there Baby, looking at a saucy number in the mirror, Come around her often? Gosh Lola She looks just like you on one of your better days, don’t-cha think?”

-calmly, she told herself. calmly and without raising your voice to him-

“That”, she said with composure and dignity, “is my reflection. See how I raise my hand, and the woman in the mirror does the same? We are one in the same person.”

“Wow. Cool Lola. If only I could do that trick, but I am not as composed and dignified as you are, but don’t worry, after we hit the road for Healy, that is Healy on the Kenai Peninsula, and not the Healy you might think it is over by that largish mountain, and all. Well, let’s get ready with our goggles and may I say that you look stunning in your bug-away goggles! Take your friend in the mirror along with you and we can tell each other stories, we’ve never heard before, what do you think about that?”

-calmly. In the quiet of the bedroom when I want him to pleasure me first, I will take command of the situation, perhaps by gagging him, but not unless he will need to use his tongue and his lips to, to-

“Hey Lola. Why are your eyes going all googly and everything? I get that way sometimes when I have a touch of the vapors, or when I start thinking about something sexy, like the time you told me of your wildest fantasies! Remember that? We got dressed up without wearing any pants and you said, “Waiter. I need you to address my needs. And I said, oh my goodness, Ma’am, I think I’ve dropped an olive on the floor, and when I bent down to pick it up you-”

-think about what he is saying, and turn it into something positive.

“You told me that it had rolled down into a dark place. Well, I had to get on my hands and knees, with a flashlight and all! You said it was better if I used a candle, but then things started to go wrong, with things that didn’t need to be lit, being lit and the only thing I had to douse the flames with was my, well, but then you said, “This is way too kinky for my way of dreaming, and slapped my,  well, and we fell into each other’s arms while the flames subsided. That old olive was still missing though and I considered calling out the old boys from Homer Search and Rescue. You said that was not necessary, but agreed that something felt wrong, when we were, uh, well, and I said, I’m going in for the duration, and you said, “You’ve said that kind of thing before, but I fell asleep while you were lost down there in the darkness. I said, “but Lola, that was the whole point of your dream, wasn’t it, and you said-”

-be assertive. take control. Don’t let his words distract you from your main purpose in life-

“Well, about Midnight, I decided to throw in the towel. I admitted to you, that olive was most likely in another Borough, but you only said, “I wonder if there is a man there, that is better to satisfy my needs” which made me take a new dive with a mask, snorkel and flippers on, when you stood up and said,” this is the rest of my dream!” and we had to swim to the nearby island, where we smoked a number and shot billiards while you got yourself all gussied up and I was checking the old ticker, or whatever they call that kind of thing today, to make sure it was up to the task at hand. You took my hand and we walked together into the sunrise, or the sunset not knowing exactly which of Alaska’s Crazy Seasons it was? You just looked in my eyes and said, “Finally, being in complete control of the situation” then waking up and punching me in the shoulder!”

“Ow! I said, but I knew that it must have been a good dream somewhere along the line, because you ended up switching the TV to the channel with Assertiveness Training. “Hah! you yelled at the man on the screen saying “Try living with the man that I do, and see how lousy that poppycock works around here and then you reached over and kissed me! I was still nurturing the burn -marks on my, well, but we managed to find our way anyway. And the best part of it all, was when I found that olive making you say, ”


The Beauty of Caking Bakes

“I’m telling you Lola. I mean, Gosh Lola, I’m telling you that..No that doesn’t work at all!”

“Why don’t you just take a deep breath, and don’t close your eyes, or we’ll end up in the Emergency Room again with the nurses rolling their eyes saying, “Oh no. The Oddly Couple is her again!”

“I’m telling you Lola, this is going to be Big with a capital, B! I’ve been practicing baking cakes in my mind, with the help of Olga Kalashnikov’s Show, “Bun in the Oven, Ask Olga!,  but now it is time for the real thing! Just think of it, “Live on our Internet Channel broadcasting out to Mr and Mr Everyday Alaskan who might just be out skinning a whale or sucking on an Elephant Toothpick, when the call goes out “They are on something again today!” There we will be, using our assumed names, sporting our blacked-out eyes while Olga sings the Title Melody, “If you want loving, then-”

“Are we really going to have Olga sing some song in Russian? Don’t you think some of our “viewers” might protest to that, then jamming the switchboards, which we don’t really have, but sounds good anyway?”

“I tell you Lola, if I closed my eyes and just listened to your voice, I’d swear that you were me talking! Then I could put my feet up on the Toadstool and take 5 while….”

“Don’t you mean, feet on the footstool? but knowing how their house looked like, then anything might be possible!”

“Then the most exciting part will arrive. I’ll take on my special “Kinky Kenai Mittens ” available on our website, “www.kinkykenaimittens.aak with the orders rolling in! I’d be proud to model them for our public, with emphasis on their tear-away qualities, allowing for maximum “kinkyness” when the moment called for it! That would be a good time for you to appear in your “edible apron embellished with white bunnies, and the piercing eyes of the Caribou Woman, who…”

“I think it is just amazing!”, said Lola as she tried to follow his train of thought, but having to take on water and fill up with coal and all, she really was hankering for a smoke and a shot of Kenai Whiskey instead. She adjusted her “Edible Apron” so as to accentuate her best parts, without revealing what she only, in her very private showings, would allow others to, to…My Goodness. Now I’m really starting to sound like…..him!”

She watched how his eyes lit up like their one Christmas Light, which is a classic tale of how many were turned to few! She really hated how they wouldn’t blink in the correct order and in a fit of orderly insanity, shot them back to the Stone Age, or the Bronze as long as….”

“Gosh Lola, you have really been gone far away with your thoughts today. I was just sitting here talking with myself and thinking, “Wow. This fellow is going places!” I thought of inviting him over for a drink after the show was over, but he just shook his head like I did, which was rather confusing when you finally come down to it!”

“Lola! Here comes Olga and her song…standing up as if to salute the flag, he raised his hand, still encased in his Kinky Mitten, when he said, “Lola! Aren’t you coming for this alternative anthem? It almost sounds like….”

“It is the Russian National Anthem” you Dolt!”

“Well, I’d like to start off by thanking our sponsors today. Armand from the TruValu Store in Homer is running a weekend sale on “Denali Blue Paint”. If your old lady wants you to take a flying leap at, well, then maybe she’ll change her tune, when she steps into the newest color taking Alaska by Storm!”

“Let’s get to baking, shall we?”

“Today my fabulous assistant will be, well, assisting me in the baking process. Ms L. would you please take a bow. Wow! I mean. Thank you for your participation, “whispering – Uh Lola, shouldn’t you have put on some underwear today? Remember, how I had some specially-made with our website embroidered on the….”

“Now we start by turning on the oven to 200 degrees Celsius! Ms. L. if you please….What? no temperatures with that number? Well, we’ll just wing it then.”

“It’s kind of like mixing cement. Remember don’t forget the sand left in the bottom of the bucket! That needs to be used as well. Now take your mixing machine and attach it to your drill….Lola, I mean Ms L. would you stop giggling, when I say drill!”

“Now you’ll need to add the liquid. Remember that your cement will decrease in potency if you add too much….Ms. L. I don’t think this is the time, nor the place to discuss potency! If your partner has trouble, uh. providing for the correct ingredients for the cake to rise, then I wouldn’t think that he….No! This is not a Viagra recipe! If you have tried applying the correct stimulation, by using the tool at hand, then…No I didn’t say that you should use your hand as a tool to….I say! Would you please show a bit of dignity when bending down to….”

“OK. The Cake seems to be done. Ms L will now take it out of the oven and…My Goodness. Is it really that heavy? It tastes like, what? – switching on a commercial break while saying, “Lola! Did you just make concrete? That wasn’t on the plan was it? Whoa Lola. said as he steadied her before she….The recipe didn’t call for Cannabis did it?”

-switching to a recorded transmission, “Olga shows how to mix concrete like a professional Baker!…..




When My Polo Horse Got Me Free Milk

“Every single year we go through the same thing Lola, and I’m telling you, I’m getting too old for this kind of thing!”

Lola just looked at him wondering if he could make the grade, or was it really time to call in someone who could satisfy her Autumn Needs and Desires.

“Look, before you decide anything drastic, I’ll give it the old Healy U. try, but you know what usually happens!”

“It’s not as if we are leaving one another”, she said. “All I want is someone who can deal with the spiders and mice that turn up at this time of year!”

Why couldn’t she just let nature run its course anyway? Was it really necessary getting all hot and bothered over a few trifles running under the bed when we were reading each other’s horoscopes, or what was it they called that kind of thing anymore?

“It started today” she said, while her hands began to clutch something, with a certain hardness that made me scream, “Nothing is going to get started with a grip like that!” I said, but didn’t want her to start twisting and snapping off, before I had a chance to say, “It really doesn’t help the situation by breaking my polo mallet like that, you’ll just scare our Polo Horse, Mounty without just cause.

Mounty was of Canadian Stock, anyone in their right Alaskan Mind could see that, but we didn’t hold that against him. The man who sold him to me, along with a bag of magic beans and the key to the kingdom, told me that he, that is Mounty, had come from a long-line of Canadian Polo Horses stretching way back as far as my fingers could reach, right until I found the light switch with her saying, “If you can’t find what you are looking for in the light, you sure as shooting are not going to find it in the dark!” Mounty just laughed in his whinnying kind of way, but-

“All I asked you to do, was to remove the spiders from the kitchen, where they have set up camp, and are just waiting for Gen. Custer to ride into an ambush!”

Mounty just looked at me with his mournful eyes that seemed to say, “Oh Kind Sir, Please let me roam the meadows of Montreal once again!” while I, in my arrogance, only could think of how he would get me into the pants of the woman next door, and her obvious need for a Polo Horse and his fabulous-looking owner!

“All I asked you to do…”Wait a minute. I’ve already asked you to do the same thing, while you are wallowing in your Polo Horse about, about….but why in the word do we need a Polo Horse in the first place?”

“Lola. Dear, Dear Lola. Don’t you remember how last year, you started to hunt those spiders in the kitchen? What with things getting smashed and splintered, while I cowered in the safety of the freezing rain outside. I heard you yell, “If only I had a man who would please me by using his Polo Mallet and ridding the world of vermin, and other unwanted…”

So I thought, “Wow. If only we could find us a  Polo Hor” then we could use the mallet and rid us of…

Lola broke into my noble thoughts and said, “We did not need a Polo Hor! It was a Polo Horse, and that was your idea anyway. If we really needed a Polo Mallet in the first place, when why in the world did we need a Polo Horse to accompany it? Did you really think that you and your Canadian Mounty could ride through the kitchen, wielding your Polo Mallet, doing less damage and more good than….”

“But the man who sold me Mounty  told me, “Hey buddy, do you want to get the girl, and the milk for free?” but he didn’t have a cow, not that I saw anyways, and Mounty just stood there, looking a bit sad, and I said, “You mean, if I get the girl, then I don’t need to pay for milk anymore?” which sounded too good to be true, even to me.

Lola just shook her head, making the cobwebs swirl about, while the mouse only looked at her perplexed look from its perch on the kitchen counter.

“I’m going to be gentle with this explanation, OK? The man meant, if the girl you were “seeing” was getting serious about your “relationship” then you would soon have to start paying for her “milk” by “marrying” her. Are you with me so far?”

Nodding and Nodding. “Good. So the expression is, why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

“OK Lola. If you say so, but it doesn’t explain why I went into town to buy a Polo Mallet to smash spiders and mice with, but ended up with a Canadian Mounty, with no Polo Mallet, and definitely no Cow, whose milk would have been free, if I asked her to marry me? Or did I fail to understand what you were telling me…?”

Lola just sighed and looked at the 865 words, and counting, knowing now that her needs wouldn’t be getting fulfilled this side of 900, and decided to say,”Who wants some free milk and cookies?”

-with Mounty being the first one in line…..

.then the mouse

.then the spiders

then…”Hey. Why am I always the last one to understand what you are saying?….”

The Last Word, She Never Said

“It’s not like I’m asking you to remember every single word I’ve told you, just the last one, being the most important!”

There was so much more than words between us. Sometimes, others would wonder how there could be so little visible light between our bodies, while walking down the street on a glaringly bright late Spring day in Mid-July!

While this exclusive interview is being brought to you courtesy of the Homer Gazette. Your local paper, just perfect for blowing your nose into, when the Summer Ragweed starts to tickle your fancy!

“So tell me Yuri, how do you deal with unwanted flies during the Summer Months? Those moose you keep must attract more than their share, and what with you living in your Yurt, with those stories that this reporter has heard about, the women, and

Yuri seen resting on his laurels, while sipping a cup of Tea from the right side of the Ural Mountains. His fingers adorned with rings, spelling out the name of his one and only love,

“Yes, the flies are unbearable, but I always use, “Fly Away” (turning the can towards the camera, while smiling and reaching over to the reporter to)

“Are you telling me, that this Yuri bloke is selling products, while being interviewed, then taking advantage of that young and desirable reporter, Ms Lola Wannado?”

So tell me Yuri, tell me about your home back on this side of the Ural Mountains? Was that the other side of Wasilla, or?

Yuri just looked up into her blue eyes, reminiscent of the Denali Mountains of his youth. They say that a man is most fortunate, if the eyes of his woman, match the waters of the river next to the Family Yurt. She was the village maiden, but was guarded over by her father Ben Hyur. A stately man with whale bones decorating the sides of his Chariot. One day, Yuri challenged Ben for the honor of taking his daughter for a tour of his Yurt, in a very unchaperoned way, when Ben threw down his Gauntlet (picture zooming in on its finely-made stitching, available at a special price shown at the bottom of your viewing screen – don’t miss out on being the last one on your block in receiving Yuri Ben’s Gauntlet only $29,95 inclusive local taxes and shipping and handling) and spat on the ground while Yuri

“This story is grinding to a halt, and we still don’t know the name if this village maiden, an obvious looker in the first degree, whose elegance and charm made her the most desirable prize, when the chariot race had been decided. She had heard stories of Yuri’s Yurt, with its fine decorations, and tempting colors drawing him closer to her way of thinking, while his hands grabbed her about the waist and pulled himself into…..”

-but Yuri, who was this temptress from the wrong side of the Wasilla Mountains?

My sources tell of her only being the local girl, who couldn’t get a date on the eve of the local Moose Taming Championships, where all of the other Moose Tamers were strutting their stuff, making the women swoon, having to revive them with a kiss and (are you troubled with women swooning? Betcha haven’t tried, “Anti-Swoon” from the Yuri Yurt Cosmetic Company of Wasilla Alaska. Just a little dab will do ya, saving you from angry fathers and lovers alike, while the local Gals are swooning at your Moose Taming Talents, and award-winning smile (always Yuri-Fresh with this cinnamon-tasting toothpaste using his secret concoction of local herbs and spices, especially picked by the local Maidens of Wasilla Alaska. Running through the herb fields, with nary a stitch of clothing on their silky bodies, Yuri was like a hunter waiting for the right one to come his way…So don’t delay, buy today!)

“Oh My Goodness!” said Lola, while fanning herself, and clasping the heart-shaped locket with Yuri’s photo inside. On the back was engraved, “Remembering our night of passion in my Yu”, but which should have been “Yurt” but he had forgotten to reorganize his thoughts before the engraver put the finishing touches upon the metal, and

“But then he just rode away on his Yhak, and I never saw him again”, said while sobbing into her handkerchief, embroidered with his name, and hers, with a small white rabbit between them, symbolizing something that she never could reveal until the sacred moment happened, when their lips would meet again. He suggested under the old Sitka Pine, strongly reminiscent of the one close by his hometown, on the right side of the Ural Mountains! Her name was Yrsulla, but he just called her by his pet name for her

So did you ever meet her again Yuri? Under that tree symbolizing your love, your home town, and a girl named Yrsulla who has just entered into this quite confusing tale of lust in the afternoon! I must say that this hardened reporter, taking off her shoes and sliding her legs along his muscular build, has been affected by your story, opening her blouse just the width of a tease, while Yuri grabbed ahold of her, pulling her close, while the room freshener shaped like a Sitka Pine, dangled suggestively over their heads. She opened her locket for all the world to see, with Yuri placing his hands on

“Well. It must be “on”, or have I understood this story incorrectly, huh Lola?”

Lola just lie there, gasping for air, while her blouse being opening revealing her assets, and her shoes kicked off to one side, when she reached up grabbing hold of the room freshener and saying, “Oh Yuri. Take me again, you Moose Taming Brute of a Man!”

-and all you can say to me is “on”.

You told me to remember the very last word you said, and before you kept on talking, it was “on”. Yuri placing his hands “on”, but it’s not always easy what with you wanting someone to take you now, while lying on the floor, with my Moose Taming Whip at my side, and your eyes reminding me of the blue in the Wasilla River, where we first met each other, Yrsulla My Love!”

“Oh Yuri…….

“Oh Yrsylla….

-fade to black inside his Yurt

-And  remember you heard it here first, courtesy of the Homer Gazette, and this reporter Ms Lola Wannabeher…….


Once upon a time

Once upon a time in one of those cold places on earth, lived a young maiden and her pet Moose. Her house was modest and clean, but there was one thing that she was lacking, a…

“I know, I know!! , said the young woman, who was leaning over my shoulder, the last bite of Moose Chips still in her mouth, while she lit up with glee as the last words of the previous paragraph had been written!

Yes, mothers and fathers, girls and boys, this fabulously fabulous young maiden was in dire need of a garage in which to park her Moose, who-

“There!” with a long finger pointing, the woman behind me, with hair that reminded me of cinnamon-scented twigs when we last clasped fetlocks in the Springtime of our love! She had to sneak away from her father, who was the ruler of that Cold Country, and which was dangerously close to the one that her lover lived in! Her father told her in his gruff voice, “I’ll never accept the marriage of my daughter and one of those inept craftsmen, furiously pointing to the village of Healy, where her lover and Moose Tamer from the right side of the Ural Mountains dwelled!

She fell down on her knobby knees and said,

“Everything, before you calling my knees knobby, worked well enough for me, but are a Moose’s knees really knobby?”

She had searched far and wide for such a craftsman One who would satisfy her needs and the needs of her quite possibly knobby-kneed Moose companion, but whose difficulty with finding such a man, lie with her difficult and over-protective father whose real concern was marrying her off to someone more respectable, more wealthy and someone who could do a decent job without having to –

“Uh, shouldn’t you have had a sentence or two in there?”

He searched for a possible collection of words to please her, but in the end had to leave the last paragraph, with its obvious errors and such, just as it was!

Her Moose companion was impatient at not having a suitable home for himself, so he said to the Maiden, “Hey Baby. Why don’t you and I blow this joint and hit the road for Foreign Places and the like? I know a little village over yonder in the next Country called, Can-”

-but the craftsman broke into its thoughts and said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” telling the young maiden directly to her face, while noting her perfectly-formed breasts, and lips that were inviting him in for a cup of Tundra Tea, “but let’s leave your Moose Friend outside, while we are perusing my etchings of the garage, won’t you?”

She felt his words were needing a full-stop in a few more places than he had been able to muster, but as she took his hand in hers, and looked into his blue brown eyes, she said,”If you don’t say that my knees are knobby, then I most certainly will take a roll in the Twigs with you!”

He smiled and shooed the Moose out of the front door, while he thought about his Grandmother Algonquin who taught him how to treat a Lady Moose, and not talk about her obvious knobby knees in public!

As the scene darkened, we see her father, pacing up and down, back and forth, until he realized that he had nothing more to add to this part of the story!

His daughter lie on her fluffy bed surrounded by stuffed animals resembling white rabbits and Bear Claws from the Loose Moose Bakery in Soldotna! As she and he lie there, thinking about how far they had come in this story, even though the story line was diffuse and confusing, he remarked, “And to think I came to your house just a boy from Clear, uh i mean from Healy Alaska, but will be leaving a man from….Just where are we honey?”

His words shocked her, causing her to grab her garb and hold it close to her perfectly-formed breasts, while saying “Why we are in the State of Ecstasy, or didn’t you realize that by now?”

“OK. I see now that you are infatuated with her breasts, but other than that are you treating her with respect like your Grandmother Algonquin told you?”

“Gosh Lola” said while raising his eyes up from the sight of her, well her, but then looking her straight in the eyes, saying”

Moose are very limber animals with highly flexible joints and sharp, pointed hooves, and are capable of kicking with both front and back legs. Unlike other large, hooved mammals, such as horses, moose can kick in all directions including sideways. Therefore, there is no safe side from which to approach.

“Well that is all good and well for some people, but do they have knees?”

-which unfortunately has brought us over the 800-word mark again, saving that answer for another time, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys….


When Her Stars were just Wright

There I was standing outside of “The Moose is Loose Bakery” in someone elses dream in the town of Soldotna, when she walked into my life! Mother used to warn me about women, that I’d meet at or near bakeries, would most likely leave me someday for someone or something that was sweeter than I was…

I’d just kick the sedimentary rocks on the side of the house, when she’d say things like that and I’d tell her, “Mom, I’m sure there is a Bear Claw Doughnut waiting for me somewhere out there, and I’m going to find it by golly by gum!” She’d just start to cry and say, “I still think of you, when we, as a family, were at the river near Healy, with you and your father skipping metamorphic stones across the water, saying-

“You’ll do just about anything to write about your Geologically Frustrated Childhood in Healy, won’t you?” Lola just sat down on a nearby bench, thinking about the Moose is Loose Bakery, while her pretty toes played with some of the gravels of the Kenai Peninsula. God, how I too wanted to be among those gravels, while she kneaded me, like I kneaded her, and we-

“Listen to me Bakery Boy! Your Lola still hasn’t had her needs satisfied, with Sugar-Heaven just a few measly feet away, and you wallowing in that obscure Soil Survey of the Lower Ken-

“Well then” I said, interrupting her in mid-chastise, suggesting that we take a gander inside! I felt that it was prudent using an exclamation mark there, but Lola was always a bit hesitant using excess punctuation?

“Why did you use a Question Mark there?”, she said as she pointed at that very item at the end of my last paragraph. “I know that you are a man of excess emotions, but did you really need to express that while we were sauntering into the bakery, our eyes coveting the ultimate sweetness of Soldotna, while-”

“Uh Lola. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your tirade, but I just found this brochure at the entrance to the bakery. “Visit Denmark! Fly away today from Beautiful Downtown Kenai Airport and experience the Danes with their Leaky Dikes and Wanton Windmills! Put your finger wright here, the Danish Woman said, wearing her pointy wooden shoes as she gazed upon her Dutch-speaking mate as he braved the waters of lower Amsterdam! “I don’t think we can make it before the-”

“Look you. Don’t you think someone is pulling your left fetlock? It sounds like a brochure for Holland and not Denmark, unless my open-faced sandwich has been lying to me! – Now why did you use an exclamation mark back there?” she asked, because she knew that a question mark was sticking out of his pant’s pocket, just wanting to see the light of day!

The woman behind the counter waited patiently for them to order. She was used to those “out of towners” who couldn’t decide on who should order first, or if the Sedimentary Rocks of his childhood were really the cause of the whimsy in his adult life?

“Hah!” said Lola. “You’ve allowed the Bakery woman a question mark, but not me!” said with such indignation that the store manager started looking up the number to the SWAT Team, telling them that a certain dark-haired woman and her Geologically Frustrated Mate were….

I moved a bit farther down the way, ogling the many sweet things on this side of the counter, while Lola just stood there, wanting and needing a question  mark, but being denied just that, time and again!

“Lola. Dearest”, I started to say, but I knew that Doughnuts were the last thing on her mind. “Let’s just buy a Bear Claw or two, then mosey on back to our Moose and-”

Lola just said, “Don’t you move, Mister! I demand satisfaction, and I mean NOW!” which caused me to take that very obvious-looking question mark out of my pants and say, “Here it is Baby. Just what the Doctor ordered!”


We were still sitting outside of  “The Moose is Loose Bakery” in Beautiful Downtown Soldotna, when Lola said, “Darn shame we got here too late, isn’t it?”

“Yeah” I just said while looking through the window at all of those doughnuts and especially the Bear Claws! “Uh Lola. Did I ever tell you about how my mother used to warn me about women and bakeries?”

Lola just smiled and said,”I’m sure her words were wise ones, and reached over to kiss me on the



“Sweet and Syrupy if you ask me”, said Lola, while she wondered what the point of this blog really had been, when her sugar needs would be fulfilled, and if that would occur this side of 800 words?

“There you go, Lola. A question mark at 796 words, and you didn’t think I had it in me, did you???”




While Out Frolicking in Mooseville

“Lola. Today is the day that we three get to visit Mooseville! What do your twigs say about that?”

Once upon a time Lola had a dream. One that encompassed her life together with the man she loved. She envisioned them building a home, being successful in their jobs, then when the time was right, hearing the pitter-patter of little feet around the

“Just look at the guide book I found at that last gas station before we got to Moose Pass.” -turning the pages past where the oil company told about why its symbol, a Green Dinosaur was always seen sitting on the roof when-

“Attractions for the whole family! Spend a day with your dream-like family at Mooseville! Ride the Moose Mountain Railway, but don’t hang your Antlers too far out of the window, or you might just….”Lola. Are you getting all of this?….reading on until….”New attraction this year, The Vision Forest. Meet and greet Barney and his friends in the Vision Forest, and get your fortune read by placing your right fetlock on the magical stump as Barney and his friends do the Dance of the Entwining Twigs before your very eyes!”

“Just look at Howie and see the excitement in his eyes!”

Howie just sat on the backseat and blinked his eyes, while he wondered what Mooselina was doing right now? She might just be nibbling their favorite tree out in the forest, but worried that her other friend, Tristan would amble on by and tell her how her antlers made him all knobby in his knees, and..

“Howie. We’re almost there. Betcha you are just beside yourself with anticipation, aren’t you?”

The Willies Jeep pulled into the parking lot, filled with cars and buses from all over the State….of Alaska, and

“I see how you’ve cleverly disguised your mention of “Alaska” by putting those small pause periods between State…..and Alaska, so as not to make me outright mad, just enough to write all those instance in my little book, – showing him her notebook with…

“Gosh Lola. I just wanted to make sure people were sure that we still were in Alaska. I would imagine there be interlopers out there, who would want this blog to be about other particular places, but as we all know, it is…

“Yes. Yes. We all know about you and that other Geographical Place, but the more you mention it, the more interest is being diverted to Que”- “stop right there Lola, or I might have to resort to violence in front of our impressionable son”- looking lovingly over to Howie, who, who..

“My Goodness Gracious Lola, Howie has done a runner on us!”

They ran into the park looking here and there, but not necessarily in that order of things!

Howie! They yelled in a very parenty way, with just the right amount of panic + concern, while trying to keep an air of “we do know what we are doing” to show the others around them that…Look Lola. If we yell at the same time and in unison, then our voices will be-

“Look you” said Lola pushing aside her momentary panic to tell him that, “in unison means “at the same time” so you don’t need to say-

“Look Lola. There he is at the entrance to The Vision Forest!”

Howie just stood there, looking into The Vision Forest, wondering if Mooselina might be snorting up a storm with him, Tristan? He didn’t want to tell her he was jealous, but was just having a normal response for someone who didn’t want anyone elses fetlock pawing away at his Gal!

“Howie my boy. Are you all right?” asked by his harried, but concerned-looking Father who seemed to be a bit out of sorts, with Mom trailing behind him.

“Howie” said Lola. You  worried your father and I by your disappearing so-”

“Not to worry Ma’am said a deep voice behind her. We saw a vision that told us about your worries, which is why we’ve been taking care of your son until you found him again!”

Lola turned around to face a largish Moose with a chain around his neck “Mooseville’s Own Vision Moose, Barney”.

“Haven’t we met before, Mr…? ”

“Barney’s the name Ma’am. Just Barney. You never know, you might have dreamed about me and my visions, or….?”

Tristan turned up behind Barney saying “Hey man. That’s the Lola-chick isn’t it? Man I’d really like to taste her twigs, and-”

being cut off by Barney saying, “Hope you enjoy the rest of your visit Ma’am, and remember, I’m only just a vision away……”


Then She said, Did you Say, Moose Pass?

Howie and I sat on the backseat, while Lola drove the Willies to Moose Pass.

“Moose Pass – Moose Pass” sang the silly boys, as the Willies pulled out of the driveway onto the gravel road. “Goodbye house”, I yelled and Howie wanted to jump up, but…

“Wait a minute” said Lola. That was in another blog!

Bunky reached over the seat and said, “Hey Howie, can you reach the notebook labeled, Blogs and other tidbits to tickle her fancy!”

Howie just sat on the backseat and blinked his eyes, while his mouth found…

“No Howie, not the  Mooseopoly Game….and not the Nerf Football, either. No matter, if I just reach a bit more than..

“My Lord, Bunky. If you reach down any farther, your Lola is going to think you are flashing your permanent vertical smile out of the window, or something!”

“There it is, now I’ve got it” said as the Free Show in the Rear-view mirror was over prompting Lola to say….

“Uh Lola. What were you going to say?”, said by the man of her dreams on the backseat!

“I was not going to say anything, and if you keep on putting that “man of her dreams malarkey in your writings, then I’ll have to do something drastic!”

-giving Howie a nudge – “like telling us we are silly, or something?” – making them laugh all over again, with Howie wondering what they were laughing about in the first place!

“Let’s see”, he said, while thumbing through the blogs, “Mayhem, confusion, sex, reference to sex, reference to Lola’s open blouse in reference to sex…Gosh Lola. Who has been cross-referencing these blogs? It seems as if one of us has Sex on the mind a lot?”

Lola just kept her eyes on the road, while thinking of something else, or tried to anyway.

“Yep! You are wright as reign Lola, it was..”

“That is not right“, said Lola as she turned left towards

“Are you sure we need to turn wright towards?” he asked with concern in his voice.

“Look”. she said, bringing the jeep back to an even keel, though the waves started to splash over the sides, getting Howie’s Antlers wet!

“Lola. Dearest. Would you please pull over to the next dock, so Howie could dry his Antlers? I realize it is a bit shallow wright here, but if you are careful, and mind the buoys on the way in, them I am sure that…”

Lola looked up at the mast and worried if the winds were too strong, while they still had the sails up, it would crack in two, reigning down on them in one fell swoop. She noticed while fastening the Willies Jeep to the dock that the reign had increased, infecting the blog in other places than just what he was talking about!

“We need to get inside, before the threads of this tail unravel, sending the dog over the railing”, said Lola, though she didn’t know what in the hay, she was talking about when she said it?

The three of them ran into the nearby lighthouse, which was conveniently placed at or around 522 words, and what didn’t exist on the other side of 490 words!

They shook the rein off, and wondered just how many versions of rain, rein, reign could fall on them, when Bunky said, “Look. There is a light at the top of this house”, to which Lola replied with a sigh and a nod, “That is why it is called a lighthouse!”

The three moose went into the forest, while the forest maiden said,…

“That is not in this blog either”, said Lola, but without consulting the Blog notebook, she couldn’t be sure if it had, or had not been posted yet?

-“but Lola”, said Bunky in a Gruff Voice, “You usually like me to talk like Father Moose when we are playing, “Father Moose takes a turn for the worse in the Forest” and then you…

-with Lola butting in with her motherly antlers with, “We only play those games when it is the two of us! Think about how impressionable your son, Howie is, and what he would misinterpret, if we were in our Moose Costumes, with you and your Gruff Voice, and I in my innocence saying “Oh Father Moose, what happens if your Wife comes in on us and says, “What in the world are you two doing in my/our bed?” then all Hay would break loose and, oh look how far the light extends out into the water?”, she said as they finally reached the top of the house with a light in the top, with  Howie thinking “Oh Boy. Now we can play Mooseopoly all night long, until the Caribou come home!” Lola, wouldn’t it be better if we wrote this in sections, without all of us talking, thinking and wondering how to fit his Gruff Voice into the smallness of that well-lit tower, while their boy was in the other room with his earphones on, blocking out all sounds like, “Oh Father Moose. No one ever rubbed my Antlers like that before” with the blog ending and we still haven’t gotten to Moose Pass yet anyway…..”