When the Vision Twig Fairy Came to Call

“Well, then my old dad said in his gruff voice, No boy of mine is going to Healy U. when the rest of us went to…

“You know”, said Lola slowly. “I’d prefer if you’d start telling stories about the Moose again, just to stop making me crazy, wanting to pull out  my 30-30 Winchester and..”

“All right Dude” said Tristan to Morris. “High 5 Points! and with that said they butted Antlers, with Tristan saying, “I knew that sooner or later Lola would come back to her senses, and welcome us back!”  Yeah” said Barney. “Her friend can drive any well-adjusted Moose crazy with those stories!”

“Hey Man. You seem troubled about something” said Tristan with a concerned look on his face. “What’s up?”

Barney answered slowly, “Shelia is due in tomorrow on Cloud 9, at 9am from Australia!”

“Wow Dude. What a Bummer! Two Nines can’t be a coincidence, especially if you are a Vision Moose! Hey, why don’t we go Moosing together tonight, before she comes tomorrow? We always used to get lucky in the Vision Forest outside of Homer, and….what are you laughing about?”

Barney just looked at him and said, “When you said Homer, I was expecting you to say….With the two Moose saying in unison, “Homer Alaska!” and laughing until they thought the trees would break.

“Yeah” said Tristan. “He really knows how to get her Moose, doesn’t he?”

Lola just looked at him and said, “I know I’ll regret asking you this, but didn’t your parents ever do things like the rest of us normal Alaskans grew up with?” Then covering her head as if the sky was going to fall!

“Well, of course we did.” Said as if to show his indigence at her ignorance. “Why when I was young, Mom said, “Now now my young fellow. If you put that broken twig under your pillow tonight, a fresh new one will be there tomorrow morning after…”

“You mean a tooth of course?” asked Lola, as if I didn’t know a twig from a tooth.

“No. A twig. When the Vision Twig Fairy came to call, I was ready with my little eyes closed, but clutching my Moose Light in the hope of catching him/her red-fetlocked in the act! There I was that one fateful night when…”

“You are talking as if you are a Moose, or something? and…”

“Whoa Dude! That Lola wasn’t born yesterday, was she?” said Tristan, while Barney just nodded and wondered if the old body was up to a night in the Forest with the ladies?

“Gosh Lola, when you shake your Antlers like that it was almost like the first time we met one another in that Forest near Homer…..Alaska. You rubbed your…”

“We are not Moose! Got that?” said as she wondered how the latest nail color, Moose Denali Blue would look on her fetlocks, making her just sigh, when she thought about how he would make her Antlers shake, almost like the time that…”

“Here’s to a night on the Town!” said the Two Vision Moose toasting each other with a cold Moose Juice, as they saw how Lola and her Mate were getting on.

“Yep” said Barney. “She is one of a kind Moose Gal, isn’t she?”….

 

 

Advertisements

The First Minute after leaving the Cargo Bay, I

“All I asked you”, said Lola, “is when was the first time, you met David Redpath?”

“Well, that’s a funny story Lola, and if you have one day, and a few seconds, or perhaps just an hour with an odd collection of moments, then after looking in my eyes and saying, “What a Bunk of a Man you are, and I want us to….

“This doesn’t have anything to do with Mr Highway Blogger, does it?”

“Gosh Lola, if you are going to be a name dropper than we might as well, uh. What was that question again? No. Don’t say it. I remember now.”

“Well the Ocelot had told me not to worry, because it wasn’t that cold in the Cargo Hold after all, but the Ostrich disagreed. She said that…”

“Who are these animals, I don’t want to know about? More of your Vision Beasts, or “what?

“You know something Lola, I just can’t remember, but when I was on that trip to Canada, and fell onto the luggage belt, well it seems as if my luggage ended up in Canada, while I made another one just a bit to the West, then South!”

“Are you telling me that you were on your way to Canada, the Country that stepped on your big toe, and threw sand in your face, but, but… Why were you going there?”

“Well, there was that advertisement in the paper that said, “Visit Canada and see a Moose” and I thought, “Wow. They have Moose in Canada!”, So I….

Lola didn’t want to go down that street anymore, so she changed direction and said, “Was it an Ocelot, or was it just pulling your collarbone?”

“Anyway. When the Customs People were done with me, figuring that I wasn’t so Exotic that I would threaten their Biodiversity, I made a Beeline, or a Straight Line anyway to the nearest Watering Hole and that is where I met David Redpath! He was wearing his classic Summer shorts, and shirt that was crying out for a taste of Denali Blue in the weave, when he said, “Howdy Amigo, or Mate, or stop stepping on my shoelace! I suggested we arm-wrestle for the next drink, but he pulled the old Australian Over and Under on me, and, and you know what Lola? That’s the name of a gun, remember those?”

Lola wished she had a pack of smokes at the moment. Big Ben on Heard Island seemed to appeal most to her, but why didn’t they have any active volcanoes on the mainland?

“Well, a woman came up to us and told him, that is David Redpath, that he under no uncertain terms and opportunities was allowed any Tomfoolery, which he nodded but had his fingers crossed behind his back! We ended up tooling down the back roads until we came to that town, and he said, “There might be a Lola among these Shelias” which told me that…”

“If he was told not to do something, then why did he do so anyway? ”

“Lola. Don’t you understand Guys yet? The whole point of being a guy was explained to me in that Cargo Bay by Ollie the Ocelot! He said that..”

“Was there?” she asked, stopping him in his Tomfoolery and demanding an answer? “Was there a Lola in that Town, and did you tell her you loved her, as you sipped Australian Champagne out of her Gumboots, and told her that you were going to make love to her the Good Old Fashion Alaskan Way?”

The author of this section of their story considered having her run from the room while crying, but we did that already in an earlier blog, didn’t we? The David Redpath element was an idea, but it is not sure that it is going anywhere. Should it be a certain town, he arrived at, or is it a play on words that is required to keep interest in this sideline, if any exists in advance? I’d hate to delete it now, but it doesn’t exactly have the same flair as the other blog, so I might just have to release it as it is.

“You could always put it on the back burner for a while and…” said Bunky as he peered over my shoulder, noticing some elements that might be worth saving?

Lola just stood there and tapped her foot. “Are you two finished, or should we end this quagmire right here and now?”

I just leaned back in my chair and thought of making a cucumber sandwich, but was lacking the cucumber element in that part of the story!

“OK”. Said Lola. “We are ending this blog, Now! Next time, why don’t you think things through a bit longer instead of wasting our time, OK?”

-end of blog…..

For the Real David Redpath:

https://highwaybloggery.com/

 

Making Gneiss with the Gabbros

“Oh come on Lola, isn’t there anyway to talk you out of visiting the family? Can’t we make up some excuse and,..”

“They are your family! Not mine you know? We go through this same argument every year when your father celebrates his birthday. Couldn’t you just shoot me Lola? you’d say, as if that excuse is going to work every year! What about the Caribou Cart getting a flat, or getting hit by a wayward train? No, No and No! Especially since there are no trains close to where we live!”

“I can just move the tracks from Seward down a bit to, let’s say Anchor Point, then it would make it easier for all of us when we need to catch the train to Healy.”

“So you are saying, she said biting her lip a bit, “that Healy has returned to its original location, to the far north of Anchorage?”

“Well, yes and no, but as soon as my father’s birthday is behind us, I’ll be pulling up the stakes along where the Kenai Healy is hammered down, then we’ll order a truck. One long one to transport it to…”

“Stop with the details, OK? I am changing the subject back to your parents. What are we getting your father this year?” she asked in a direct way, but knew in her heart that..

“Well, it’s kind of hard topping last year’s present” I said, “but we can…”

“But we never made it to his birthday last year”, she said. “You started telling me a story about growing up in Healy, and before we knew it, we could only see his birthday in the rear-view mirror, and a cracked one at that!”

“Gosh Lola. It’s almost like the time that Mom and Dad were discussing something just like we are doing, when my father said, “Those darn neighbors are having another loud party! I’ve got half a mind to…but I broke into his thoughts and asked, “But everyone should be allowed to celebrate with a party, even the Gabbros!” Well, my father just moved his Moose Snout closer to mine, than I really liked and said, “Well, Mr Peacemaker, why don’t you go next door and make Gneiss with them anyway?”

I thought about my options, and decided that it was better to make Gneiss, than to make war with my family, so I walked next door and knocked as loudly as I could, while I could hear shouts and screaming going on inside. “Tristan” a voice yelled from inside,”it’s the next door neighbor boy, trying to take advantage of our daughter while we are being drunk and disorderly!”

The door opened suddenly with …

“Were you known for that sort of thing?” asked Lola, drawing her blouse closer together, blocking out the sunlight for her two girls, Irma and Jolene!

“Honestly Lola. I was just going next door to ask them to turn down the music a bit, when their daughter, Olivine with her luminous green eyes opened the door saying, “Shh. Come in, but keep your voice down, or mom and dad will know you are here!” We moved into her room, where she…

Lola sighed. “Another one of your Healy Bimbos, or am I way out of line on that one?”

The music was still throbbing in the next room while Olivine said, “Dad has really been on his guard since my friend, Feldspar tried to take advantage of…”

And I could only imagine what Feldspar would have tried, if he had the chance. We all went to the same school, while our Geologist Parents were out hammering on Igneous Rocks, or banging into each others uh, well, you see…

“But”, I asked Olivine, who knew I was always a bit sweet on her magnesium iron-silicate way of being, so I just had to ask her, “Did you let Feldspar look into your…?”

“But what does this have to do with your father’s birthday present?” asked this exasperated woman who was sitting next to me, while I just sat there, fingering my Breccias while saying,

But then another knock was heard on the Gabbro’s front door, and when they opened it this time, my father’s voice was heard saying, “First you’ve taken my son with his Gneiss Intentions, and now you expect me to just forget how you’ve tried to move into our neighborhood Plutons with your intrusive ways, making…

but he was stopped in mid-sentence, when Olivine’s father tried to hit him on his extrusions while…

But I ran out of Olivine’s room and said, “Make Lava, not Plutons” which made the two of them stop what they were doing, laughing at my feeble attempts to prove that I too was Geologist Material! My father and hers told us to go out back and rub our rocks together, or whatever they call that type of thing today, while her mother mixed igneous cocktails and…

“But what are we going give your father this year?” asked, but almost falling down in exasperation at

“Too late to think about that this year, Lola. We’ll try again next year. Gosh, it was darn clever of you keeping me occupied telling that story, instead of forcing me to attend that birthday party!”

“Darn Clever indeed……

 

The White Rabbit Looked Up at Him and Said,

There I was, enjoying some dream that I most likely wouldn’t remember when I awoke, when someone next to me said, “Would you please let the cat out? It’s meowing and I need to catch some more Zzz’s before the day begins…”

He got up, noticing the time 2:57am, and went into the kitchen, opening the back door but, but outside there was a White Rabbit who looked up at me and, and-

He crawled back into bed and was just about to fall back into dreamland when a voice said, “Well. What did the Rabbit say?” His eyes opened and eyelashes fluttered a bit, before he turned over and said,”…” but there wasn’t anyone there.

Lola came out of the bathroom where she smelled of morning freshness, as if white rabbits were running and frolicking about while-

-but he fell asleep again and was just about to catch up to that mysterious woman. The one with the long dark hair, who was tempting him back to her den of pain and pleasure when she said, she said-

“Would you please let the dog out? You know how he is in the morning, scratching the back door and whimpering!”

He got up and put on his fuzzy Moose Slippers as he sat on the edge of the bed. It was awfully early, just 2:58am. He wondered why they had gotten a dog in the first place and, but did they really own a dog? They had the Caribou and Howie, but other than those white rabbits that ran around outside, they really didn’t own other….wait a minute – those white rabbits! Are they the reason for my lack of dream realization?

He fell back asleep to a mixture of troubled dreams. A woman who tempted but didn’t deliver. A dog that ran after a cat who ran after a white rabbit, while the room smelled of cinnamon-flavored women, who had just stepped out of the shower displaying, uh, well, you know how it is, don’t you?

Someone was tapping on his shoulder as he tried to make sense of it all. “Hey You! Sleepy Head! Are you going to sleep all day, or do I have to weed those cabbages myself?”

He turned over and looked out of the window. The clock said 2:59am, but…He got up and looked back towards Lola, who was sleeping peacefully without a trace of having been awake and talking to him about, about? Now what was it she was talking about last time? He felt it to be just a bit much to weed those cabbages at 2:59am, but what else was there to do at this time of day? He got up and went into the kitchen where the clock seemed unable to reach 3am.

He sat there for what seemed to be an eternity, when a soft scratching was heard at the back door. Hmm, he thought to himself. I’ve been here before, haven’t I? He waited a bit to see if Lola would awaken and ask him about the noise, but she just kept on sleeping as if, as if-

He went to the back door and opened it, the White Rabbit looked up at him and said, “Now you’ve aced the title of this blog, now go back to sleep again” and with that said, it hopped away into the night, as if it never had been there anyway?

He crawled back into bed again, with the clock showing 3am. He yawned and reached over to plant a small kiss on Lola’s cheek, before falling into a restless night, that just never seemed to end.

“Wake up Sleepy Head. Rise and Shine” came a voice as he struggled to wipe the sleep from his eyes and greet the day. “Wow”, she said as she dried her hair, smelling fresh as the Cinnamon Toothpicks that were on sale today at the Kenai Mini-Mart, “I’ve had a bunch of crazy dreams last night! I dreamed that a white rabbit was scratching on the back door, and when you got up to let it in, it said, it said-”

but he just looked at the clock suddenly while she still was speaking. 7am Alaska Daylight Time. GMT-8….

but you know what?” she continued. “It didn’t really say anything at all, but had a funny expression on its face as if to say, “Gotcha”, then hopped away again! The things that we dream at 2:59am huh?”

“What a crazy life this is…..”

And the sign outside the window read

“Well”, said Lola tapping her toe, in a melody, I’d long forgotten! “Don’t you remember Lola? We were dancing when you said, Uh Oh my father can’t see any light between us, and I said, “Is he in the back room of the dance hall too? I thought I’d better put my pants back on and straighten my tie, before he caught me with, well my pants down!”

“Well”, said Lola without tapping her toe. “Just what did that sign read?

“Well, it didn’t read anything, being so near-sighted and all, but it said something entirely different!”

“Well”, said Lola again. “What did it say? and don’t tell me it couldn’t talk, OK?”

Darn it thought I, but kept my cool and said, “Moose Pass right lane!”

“How can it read that, we’ve already been there and back? – Just keep on keeping on you Fool, it’s the man behind the keyboard who has screwed up, forgetting to release this blog at the correct time! – don’t let on and we’ll be all right, all right?”

Lola just made a sweeping motion of the Willies and glided easily into the hole on the side of the road. “Gosh Lola. That was a tight fit, wasn’t it?”

while she replied, “sounds like a personal problem to me!”

“Well”, said Lola again. “Now we are here, if we start by unpacking our things then.”…Howie just grabbed his Nerf Football and looked at the both of us in anticipation of…

-“not just yet dear”, said Lola, and gave Howie some Moose Chips to take his mind off playing while we emptied the Willies. How she said “not just yet dear” reminded me how she said the exact same thing to me all those years ago when we met for the first time at this very spot! I was just out of The University of Healy or Clear when she said…

“Well, was it Clear or Healy?” said by someone who obviously didn’t know about those two towns and their common history. Clear and Healy were similar Sister Cities like Minneapolis and St. Paul and Buda and Pest.

“Now you’ve gone too far” said Lola and wondered if she pushed me into the waters of the Danube River, if my lifeless body would drift to the Buda Side or perhaps the Pest instead?

“Well”, I said this time, beating her to the punch! “People used to mistake me from being  a Clear thinker when I really was a Healy boy through and through. Some of my friends thought I resembled my mother more than my father, but she only said, “I don’t remember those boys dear. Are they sure it wasn’t in the next Borough, at that little motel where…”

“Aha!” said my father and accused her of being unfaithful and touching every and anyone’s fetlock, no matter where they called home! Well, furniture began to fly, but my parents insisted that they never argued, but just discussed in large and certain terms! I told my parents that even though you didn’t come from Clear, or Healy that you still were the gal for me, but…”

“Your parents only would have had fetlocks if they were Moose like Howie here”, said Lola while Howie just blinked his eyes and wondered who had hidden the Nerf Football under their Hassock? Well Lola said, “Howie how dare you use language like that! Was it your father who put his fetlock around your shoulders and said…”

“But we are Moose, Lola. How else would we have a Moose named Howie for a son?”

Lola just shook her antlers in disgust, until the twigs fell off, causing Howie to blink with delight and rush to have his afternoon snack.

After we had set up our Yurt, Lola said, “why in the world do we have a Yurt instead of a regular tent like the rest of Alaskans have?”

-to which I replied, “Well. If I am to be Yuri the Moose Tamer from this side of the Ural Mountains, than I need a Yurt just about more than, or at least equal to everyone else having my profession that wouldn’t be caught dead, or similar to dead if their lifeless body was found floating in then Danube River!”

Lola just looked at me as if……but then changed her mind again, know how far into “whimsy-land” I would travel if she just continued along the same crookedly curved parallel line that I ….

“Look here Howie” I said while pointing to a spot, where a group of rather largish Sitka Spruce Trees were growing causing me to say, “It was right here where your mother first let me touch her fetlock and look into her eye. First the one, then the other, because it wasn’t easy to do so at once, don’tcha know? Well, she snorted a bit, and I scratched the ground, which meant that”….Hey Lola. “Are you sure this is the exact spot? It looks different somehow?”

Lola just ambled over, having to duck to not hit the low-growing branches of the…

“I did not amble over, OK? I walked over with my two feet and said, and said,”You Fool. Things tend to grow over time, understand?”

“Don’t take it so seriously Howie, I told him”, when he looked at his mom and what she said. I said, “I didn’t think that my sub-strata would increase in size over time, but if she thought that would help our relationship, then by all means let us hope for the best!”

“Not that”, she said, “but the Trees! They have grown since we met here those many years ago, and not everything is the same size when viewed in the side-view mirrors, right?”

Oh, so right indeed! I thought to myself. It was lucky for me that we didn’t even have side-view mirrors back then, or she might have chosen someone with larger trees over me any day…..

In the Know About Alaska

Well today we are interviewing a couple known online as “Mr and Mrs Alaska”. Welcome to the show today!

“Thanks Bob, but can I call you William instead?”

“Oh Bunky. What a card you are”! said Lola, who hiked up her skirt just a bit and gave a slight wink to Bob, or whatever his wife called him, when they were on speaking terms!

Laughter and Caribou Antlers being hit by the people present in the audience.

Let me ask you Bunk, how did you two get the idea to tell others about Alaska?

“Well Will, Let me tell you. We thought” – interrupted by Bob saying, “Uh the name is Bob and not Will, but as you were saying?”

Lola just leaned over and grabbed an olive with her tongue, making William say, “My Goodness young woman, what a catch you must be in bed!” but seriously, “Did the idea work well in the beginning, or was it a hard climb uphill?”

“Each and every time we’ve climbed on top of each other, I’ve said to Lola, “Whew, I’ve got sweat on my brow, but how was it for you dear?” Lola would just look at me with those eyes that said, “I could really eat one of your cucumber sandwiches right now” making Bob-William say, “Your mayonnaise or mine?” Which prompted someone to say, “time for an advertisement” and….


“Wow Lola, how do you think we are doing?”

Lola was involved with choking on that last olive, or just doing a darn good “Blue-Face” impression, when I slapped her on the back and said, “was it good for you dear?”


“We decided that the rest of the world, including Alaska, and Can-uh-duh, should know what we know, and why we know what we do!”

Bob-William just replied, “and what exactly do you know?” but really didn’t care and wondered if Lola was going to drop this Git and run away with him to that little motel on Highway 1, that advertised hot and cold running ice-machines in every room?

“Well, first Lola said, but I interrupted her, then I said, but she stopped me in mid-sentence, which prompted Howie, our son to saunter into the room and say, “Gosh Mom and Dad are we going to be TV-stars or something?”

“Howie has always been precocious, which is one of the reasons we’ve decided to…”

“But when did Lola decide to take it all off for you? I mean, when did she decide to…glass of water, please….thank you….”

“Is it getting hot in here or what?” asked William Bobsen, but….

“You might have noticed that pleasant scent in here today?” asked the man who sat next to the woman I now loved and wanted!

“It’s our latest creation” said Lola, “Cannabis Number 5, a lovely perfume that will bring out the beast in any man, or”- interrupted by Bob Williamson lurching over the table, trying to grab a hold of, but missing the mark and….

-switch to advertising –

Ever troubled by unwanted suitors? Call us today at 1-800-Bunky, and we’ll shoot the Blighter the next time, he tries something funny with your Missus. No questions asked, and if we are lucky, no police will be involved, so call us today at 1-800-


Will-Bobby was a man, who didn’t know what was going on with this show. It should have been so simple. Ask this couple to be interviewed, about life in the sticks, then return to his cushy apartment in Beautiful Downtown Anchorage. He slapped himself in the face, and threw some water over his left shoulder for good luck, then boldly reentered the studio for one last go, one last college try, before, before…


Lola was nowhere to be seen, but her friend and companion, Bunky was sitting there, completely in the buff, smoking a non-cigarette called, Mt Erebus, with a Penguin on the wrapper, while….

“Now then, Mr Bunky. I would like us to finish off this interview with just one last question?” Trying not to look at his, while he sat there, but what else was there to look as, while he….

“Your constant companion, Ms Lola. Uh. Now where has she gotten off to?” said while sweeping the room with his broom-like gaze, while the Penguins on the cigarette were doing a little seaman’s shanty and singing….

“Oh. She is just out in the Little Girl’s Room, freshening up, as they say”. Said while uncrossing his legs to reveal, Oh My Goodness, couldn’t someone cover him up and..

“Here she is now!” Lola sat down on Bobby’s lap and said, “And you haven’t even met Irma and Jolene yet?” and when he looked at those two girls he….

“Gosh Lola. Those Ambulances from Anchorage really are fast, aren’t they?” said as the flashing lights disappeared into the distance.

Lola just stood there, while saying, “Are you sure it wasn’t because of Cannabis Number 5?”

While I just said, “Oh Come on Lola. I smell your perfume each and every day, and I’m not some sort of Sex-Maniac, now am I?………

 

 

The Fall of My Summer Thoughts

The other day, I called my mother and asked how the old homestead was in Healy? She was out of breath after having to shovel snow from the front door to the telephone box out on the street, and that did tend to limit the conversation a bit! I said, “Mom when are you and Dad going to invest in an indoor telephone?” but she only said,”…

“Do your parents live out in the country, or something?” asked the love of my life, while we were basking in the 40 degree temperatures of a very early Fall on the Kenai Peninsula. I had put on my swimming trunks, while Howie watched as the water filled up the swimming pool. He wondered if Mooselina would gallop on by and take a dip with him displaying her fine swimming form and the ability to…

-but just then Lola stormed onto the scene saying, “Are you two boys crazy? An ice-storm is heading our way with temperatures plunging into the 30s!” I thought about how Lola’s swimsuit had that plunging neckline, but it didn’t seem the exact moment to bring that fact to her attention! Howie just looked up as if to say, “But Mooselina and I haven’t frolicked in the rushing waters yet, then rounding off the day with a rasher of Mooseopoly and Nerf Football!”

I started to see goosebumps appear on my skin, which usually was a turn-on for Lola, with her saying something like, “Need a bit of a warm up Mister? Then showing me something that would warm the cockles of any true Kenaian Man’s Heart, her…

“Well?” asked Lola with a less than sexy offering of warmth and affection, said with just a hint of urgency, while rubbing her hands together to signify that the storm would soon be pounding on the front door with a vengeance that would equal what my Father told my Mother when she said, “When are we going to get an indoor telephone like the Gneisses’ next door?” Well my father lost his cookies, right then and there! You know the ones with the chocolate chips that always smelled good in the kitchen when mom used to tempt him while wearing her sexy mittens with the chemical formula for Feldspar on them! My father just eyed them and said,”I might eat your cookies, but…

“But then the snow began to fall and the winds began to blow. Lola just shooed Howie into the house as the water turned to ice cubes which, if you knew Lola like I did, wasn’t such a bad thing after all! I…”

“If anyone really knew how close this blog has been to being deleted they might be surprised that we still are standing here with our guards down, while you ramble on about…”

My skin had attained the lovely shade of Denali Blue that usually turned women on, but the way her body language was speaking at the moment, I might as well have flashed my skin at a random Canadian, while they were looking in the other direction at someone else!

Dearest. As I take my pen in hand today, I wonder if you are missing me, as much as I am missing him? When last we spoke to one another, there on the Veranda of the Hebel Hotel, he looked into my eyes and said, “If you drop that loser next to you and fly with me to the Kangaroo Hills, I’ll show you things, you’ve only dreamed of  in your, well dreams, I guess!

“Wow Lola. Was he a Looker, as well as a master of the Pen, or have I been reading between the wrong lines here?”

As Spring time abounds in the Southern Hemisphere, with the Moose Flowers just beginning their blooming season, I remember how we waded through the meadowy petals, asking ourselves the age-old question, “She loves me, she loves me not?”

As the Ice Storm hit, the windows shook and moved suggestively, not unlike her assets did when I took her in my arms and asked “Are there any leftover cucumber sandwiches, or do me and Howie have to fend for ourselves in the wilds of the Kitchen Meadows?”

Her Australian Lover just laughed at my ignorance and said, “All he thinks about is food, while I only want to please you in the lore of the..…Gosh Lola. Do I need to write to David Redpath and ask him about pleasing women of your Ilk in the Southern Hemisphere? What with the cucumber juice running down Howie’s…., and the Moose Milk Bottle being too slippery to open, I’m afraid I am going to stop your “Southern Hemisphere Thoughts” for a while, OK?”

Lola got up from that flowery meadow while David sighed and said, “It’ll have to be another time for us my Love, so why don’t you pass me a cucumber sandwich and enjoy the warmth of the Springtime, OK?”

And as the sun set, was in the sky, or just didn’t show itself at all, we leave our lovers, or our sandwich eaters in the bliss that is called…. I don’t know Lola, is it called Alaska, or Australia? I get those A-places mixed up, you know…..?

 

Stick in the Mud

The view across the Cook Inlet always took her breath away. The volcanoes on the other side, the blueness of the water, and a fresh breeze invigorating her as if she just had fallen in love again.

While lost in her thoughts, she waited for her lover to tune into her wavelength, allowing them both to walk, hand in hand along the gravelly shores of the Lower Kenai Peninsula and, and…Now why did that thought come into her head? That didn’t sound as romantic as it should have been, but when her thoughts merged again with reality, she knew why!

“Now”, he said as he walked past her, a bundle of long sticks under one arm, and a gleam in his eyes of a vision alive! “If we begin about here”, pointing to the shoreline between the dry and the less so, “then extend our thoughts a bit, Hey Lola, aren’t you listening to me? It was like I told you this morning when we woke up. Barney or one of his look-a likes came to me appearing out of a funky fog, where I could just about imagine a spooky forest behind them. Then the one said, “Look Boys, her covers have slipped down a bit, when the other one said, Not Now you Fool! First the vision, then the…”

“Are you really sure these Vision Moose are on the up and up?” asked Lola as she pulled her tunic a bit closer about her…

“Lola. Theirs is a time-honored profession. Strictly business they are with credentials to back them up!”

“Are you just making this up as you go along, or do you really know” – sighing a bit – “about what you are saying?”

Ignoring her and placing the first stick in the mud. “OK Lola, I’ll stand here, next to the stick in the mud, then you”.

Stick in the mud? Lola’s thoughts ran away with that thought for a moment, but..

“Then you stand right about here”, he pointed where the tide had already covered the sand leaving her stick in the water.

“You want me to stand in the water, while you are high and dry?” She asked but wondered at the same time, if she put her hair up an other way, if he would notice me and not his vision sticks in the same way?

“You are the island where Mt Augustine stratovolcano is located, and we both know that I cannot be there, because as they say, “No man is an island” right?”

Lola opened her mouth to protest, but figured, at least he knows I am here, or..

“Now I am on the other side of the Cook Inlet, and..hey Howie would you stop eating the moss along the shore and stay put” Howie just looked at him while wearing a small sign, “Mt Iliamna” around his neck, but just so that he couldn’t nibble on it, or…

“OK Lola. Now the vision said, “Align your life, like the Stratovolcanoes along the Cook Inlet and you’ll be, uh. Now what was the rest of that vision?”

Lola felt the cold moving its way up her legs as she looked over to Mt Iliamna, and Mt Redoubt a bit farther up towards Anchorage. She would have wanted to climb onto Mt Spurr, but he only said, “Lola. We can’t do any mounting while Howie is present! Now can we?”

Howie started to move over towards the Kenai Peninsula, while…

“Howie! You are standing in the wrong place”, he said while holding his arms out waiting for a new vision, or one of its sisters!

Lola just moved her stratovolcanoness up on the shore once again, and took out pack of non-smokes, “The Cascade Collection”. Should she try a Shasta, or was a Mt Rainer better to pass the minutes with?

He just stood there, shaking his head then yelled, “Hey. Haven’t we forgotten the cucumber sandwiches?” and making a dive for the bag which…

“Was that in your vision as well?” asked Lola, not wanting to upset the Vision Cart, making the Moose angry, or horny, whichever…

“Gosh Lola”, he said as he put his arm around her lower base, wondering if she was going to erupt soon, or if it was just one of those woman things?

“Look you. If you only would reach over and kiss me for once, then maybe I’ll let you see my Caldera when we get home!”

“Gosh Lola. And it happened here, along the Cook Inlet, where all my sticks were in the mud…

How romantic…..”

In the Heat of an Alaskan Night

“Sex is what really sells, Lola and now we are going to reap what we are about sow!”

“Sounds like you’ve been reading those posts from the Caribou Woman again, or am I barking up the wrong pole here? said someone who looked at her lover as if she…”

“Gosh Lola. What a good start for our first racy blog! A pole for your thoughts, or something like that!”

“I’m not much for opening our intimate life for the likes of your “followers” but we can try things at least once, I guess?” Said as she wondered what other people were doing on the Kenai Peninsula, while they were considering, well, other things?

“Just lie back and let old Bunky guide you onwards” said by the man who once got lost in the back shed while looking for a Hockey Stick, he never owned in the first place.

“It’s here”, he said, as things went flying behind him. “Hey look here Lola, this might just be an antique or something? Your first Training Bra!”

“That is not my first Training Bra you dolt! That is the slingshot you received from David Redpath, after you and him went on that all-night drinking binge somewhere in Australia!”

“Oh Yeah. It is. Funny how those kind of everyday things resemble each other, isn’t it?”

Lola wondered what was going on at the Hebel Hotel as she lie there, awaiting instruction, but feeling as if this “sexy blog” had gotten lost in…

“Look here Lola. You can’t deny, this won’t bring back some memories! An ice-cube tray from that Motel on Highway 1. I was out and about, when I saw the first “Wanted” poster of someone that resembled you, hanging on that telephone pole way back when. “That” poor woman had been accused of stabbing her lover 136 times, –Lola breaking in murmuring- 145 times – and was wanted by the police for questioning….They never found her, did they?”

“No, they haven’t, but what does that have to do with that rusty ice-cube tray?” asking as innocently as possible, but…

“Well. I was out and about, whistling a little tune, Tweet, tweet, or something like that, when opportunity knocked on my door. Well, it wasn’t really my door, but…”

“Would you pass me the Moose Chips, while we are drifting off into nothingness in this blog, with me cooling down faster than the water in your ice-cube tray, and our followers, getting ready to look up past posts from the Caribou Woman, or hearing what she has to say on the subject of us being Kinky in Kenai!”

“Easy Lola. Easy does it”, said while opening the bag of Moose Chips with his teeth and..

“I’ve told you before, to look at the arrows on the bag to do that. See”, she pointed at the arrow leading up to the slot at the top of the bag, opening the way for untold ecstasy and..

“Are you describing what I am telling you about?”, said Lola, as she considered the saltiness and the crunchy character of my latest suggestion, but choosing instead to read the Homer Newspaper announcing a proposal for a tunnel to Anchorage. “I’d think a tunnel from Homer to Soldotna would be better, don’t you she asked, as..”

“Lola. I wish you’d let me do the writing here, because I’ve gotten lost in who said what, and how my arrow needed to find that slot at the top of your bag and..”

But the ice-cube tray was still dangling on another paragraph, which made me say, “The Motel Owner waved to me and invited me in to see where the police had cordoned off that now infamous Motel Room, and the “Ice-maker” that seemed to be the cause of it all. “Take this” he handed me an ice-cube tray, and said, “When they finally catch up to her and her murderous ways, then you’ll possess a valuable souvenir from the “Event of the Century” making my Motel famous and mentioned in all Tourist Guide Books, drawing those types of tourists from Canada and other foreign places to visit here to say, Uh, ooh, and Ah in their foreign languages, and..”

-“and that’s how I ended up with it! The ice-cube tray, I mean and….Lola. Are you sleeping?”

“They say never to wake up a sleeping dog, and I am pretty sure why, but if we are going to get this “Sex-Adventure” on the road, then…”

“Gosh Lola. You sure look peaceful when you are sleeping! I guess this “Adventure” can wait for another time. That’ll give me some quality time to finish cleaning out the shed, because I am certain, just as certain as my ice-cube tray will be famous someday, that my hockey stick is somewhere way down deep in the back shed. Perhaps if I put on my diving mask, and flippers then I could…oh, are you awake again? Why do I have my mask and flippers on, well..I know how you like us to dive down deep on certain occasions and…”

“No Lola. That is not the microphone getting in the way, but…..”

 

Warning Signs

There I was lying in that ditch while the cars rolled on by with nary a notice of my poor, pitiable form. I knew now, I shouldn’t have hitchhiked from Kalispell Montana, with that one-eyed, half-crazed, 100% American who would shoot me, if I said anything against his president, his flag and his right to keep and bear arms.

It all seemed so innocent in the beginning. All I wanted to do was to hitchhike to Alaska, to work as a Summer laborer in the Cannabis fields of Southern Alaska.  I was telling  Jake. Let’s just call him Jake, for right now, OK? With leather aprons covering my body, I’d run through the fields of Cannabis allowing the sticky hashish to adhere to my…..but suddenly, he saw red and told me that drugs were undermining the gun industry of this great land, and decided to toss me out of the window, while we still were coasting along at 90 mph, which wasn’t the way, I thought I’d end up in Alaska, in the end!

In my eyes the 50 stars of the American Flag swirled around in the sky, while a herd of Caribou suddenly leapt over me in one thundering cloud of Alaskan dirt and grime.

That’s how I met Lola. The one. The only Lola. On any stretch of the Alaska Highway, in a more or less scenic stretch of my imagination, where I could stay living for the rest of my natural life, that is until the winter cold took me, or a crazed woman shot me until I was dead. Just dead, leaving no forwarding address. No one knowing my name. Just gone.

She was a woman who spoke to me of the epitome of the beauty of that great state. There she was out collecting wild Tundra Apples before the wild white rabbits ate them all, which had earned their nickname, “The White Plague of the North”. Someone as sweet and innocent as Lola, would never harm a hair on the head of any of these sweet and loving creatures, or was I just too naive in thinking so? Lola was sporting a wide-brimmed hat, a flowery dress and a pair of rubber boots that were all the rage of the fashion scene at that time.

I still remember how she took her parasol and poked me in the side to see if I still was alive, or if she’d have to call the Road Department to come and fetch yet another “Road Kill Victim” which seemed to be a common theme in this area, in this State.

We exchanged cellphone numbers, but neither of us possessed one anyway. She coyly showed me a tattoo on her left shoulder, which reminded me of a wolf, but one which she wouldn’t exactly disclose what kind of dirty, low-down, beast it was. I thought it strange that she’d have considered something like that to adorn her shapely form, but it wouldn’t be the last time, I’d thought that about her….

We hitched a ride back into town, with the driver eyeing her finely formed legs, and stylish rubber boots. I wasn’t sure if he had any suggestions for her, but my presence might have toned down his obvious fetish for women sporting the latest color of rubber boots and their matching accessories.

When we arrived, I dusted myself off and suggested we grab us a bite to eat. Lola just stopped before we got inside to admire a metal rack outside a nearby hardware store, displaying a number of quaint signs and bumper stickers.

“Leave Alaska now, or else!”, “Stamp out Flatlanders”, Take a Canadian out to lunch, then show him/her the way back to Canada”, “I never met a Caribou, I didn’t like!”, “See our Polar Bears, they’re going fast”, and my soon to be personal favorite, “If you don’t fit in anywhere else, you’re welcome here”. That last one told me that I might just be making Alaska my home port, but the jury as they say, was still out on that one.

Lola loved to decorate her house with such things. Others might have chosen a good, solid gun rack, but that is what makes us unique, isn’t it? She told me, she had connections to the Cannabis Growers of Southern Alaska, and was certain that someone like me could get a job there.

I wondered what was in store for the two of us, but didn’t dare to extend my imagination too far, for fear of it being disappointed in the end. I imagined us becoming good friends, and if something else would develop in time, then so be it.

I’m sure that you’ll be hearing more about Lola in this blog, but don’t judge her on the sake of this one blog, as she had many different facets, which will show themselves in time.

I promise you….

 

2 April 2018