The Kenai Kollection

Today in fabulous beautiful Downtown Homer Alaska, the long-awaited fashion statement by none other than Mr Fashion himself, Mr Kenny Eye!

“Tickets. Tickets please” Bent stood by the door to Bent’s Antler and collected tickets for the upcoming show. He fully expected Gate-Crashers, and gave his sternest look at the 2 Moose that stood nearby.

“Gosh Barn. Just think. Here we are in beautiful downtown Homer, I said Homer Alaska, and…”

“Tris. I’ve told you before, I’m tired of playing “you are B. and I am Lola!” It’s just too kinky to think about, OK?”

The next Caribou Cart pulled up with B. and his lovely lady, L. exiting and moving past the flashbulbs, and the fervent requests from the local newspaper, “The Homer Hemp” for a once in a lifetime interview with L. that is L. for Lola and she means it too!

“Weapons please. Leave your weapons at the door” intoned Bent as he eyed L. and her obvious-

“Hey Barn. I’ve been eyeing her obvious- as well, but you don’t see me getting anywhere because of that, huh Barn?”

Lola begrudgingly checked her weapon at the door, when she pulled up her dress, just above the visible thigh holster and-

Gasping heard from behind!

“Gosh Barn. What a sight to behold! Something that makes grown Moose weep at the sight!”

“Uh Tris” said Barney in a fatherly way. “The bosses have been a bit worried about you and the clients! Don’t you think, you should just “cool it” a while?”

“Barney” said Tristan laughing. “We are not even real, are we? Just the twisted version of heavenly beings created by someone’s deranged imagination!”

Bent went about the crowd trying to sell his wares, before the main event took place: “Penguin Puffers, get your Penguin Puffers today!”

Armand looked up and said, “Tough Crowd today, Bent?”

Bent answered, “I’ll say. It’s almost Evil Wizard Influence around here today! As is some evil Penguin put a curse on Penguin Puffers, not allowing anyone else to make a profit on them!”

Armand just chuckled a bit, then stood up waving B. and L. over to his seat. “B. and L. what a lovely moment in time to see the both of you today. Please, B. if you will be on my left, and L. on my right! Almost as if I am a pickle between two pieces of bread in this Love Sandwich! Oh, how delicious!”

“Gosh L., Armand has been really nice to you lately. Hard to figure, huh?”

“Not hard to figure, when people really get to know me” said L. though she was feeling just a bit unarmed, after being “unclothed” from her favorite weapons at the door with the rest of the “Constitutionally sanctioned members of the general public!”

And now the Master himself, Kenny Eye!

A drum-roll announced the arrival of a rather shortish fellow, bearing an Ascot in the latest version of Antarctica While and smoking a very longish non smoke, Mt Bird, which unfortunately hasn’t erupted in the last 4 million years!

Silent as a lamb, Kenny Eye moved his arm in a sweeping motion as the “Birds appeared on the stage!

“There is something devilishly familiar about that bloke, if you ask me?” said L. as she eyed Kenny Eye, and was just about to stand up and yell something-” when Armand reached over and said,

“Pity Wally couldn’t join us today, but he was supposed to demonstrate a new weapon for one of the Local Militias!”

Sirens heard in the background, just before the Homer Ambulance Company or HAC, tooled on by toward the hospital with sirens and lights a-blazing!!!-

“I guess, he won’t be joining us today after all?” said Armand, as he munched on a cinnamon-flavored Penguin Puffer and tasted his Healy Vineyard’s Chablis…

Barney the Vision Moose had found another way into the building, while Tristan remained standing at the entrance, ogling L. and her obvious hidden qualities! Barney moved over to Kenny Eye, and said, “Hi there” with Kenny Eye just acknowledging his presence, as if it were something that happened to him every day of the week.

Lola stood up and announced that she was going to “powder her nose”, which prompted B. to reply, “Gosh L. I swear that’s the first time since we met each other on that Ice Floe near Antarctica, that you’ve ever used that “highly suspicious excuse to exit the scene at hand!”

with the main characters moving into position for the final, fight to the death scene, Bent was still wondering why his Penguin Puffers weren’t moving as well as expected?-

-seen pacing forth and back, then back and forth again, the Producer, having read the script, just shook his head in dismay-

“Honestly. Do you think this “fantasy” has any chance at all with the American Public? Just consider my position for a moment. Evil Penguins and “quasi-religious animals” who aid and assist humans! What would the religious community think about that? Guns and Sex abounding, with the only thing missing is Rock-n-Roll! Come back to me when you have something a bit more plausible, and what the American Audience of this Network can really believe in! If you are that desperate to sell your product, then try the Canadians! They will make TV out of this kind of fantasy at the drop of a hat! Just look how long Murdoch has been running!”

Bob just looked at the papers in his fins, as the door slammed unceremoniously behind him. He was certain, he had found the correct formula, but not everything is easy in this life, now is it?

He began again, “Somewhere in The Last Frontier lived Lola and her mate B. They……

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot” he said to himself….”Lola and her mate B. and their young and intelligent son, Bob….”


Keyboard in Hand

Dear ola. As I take my keyboard in hand, I

“Well” said his mother to ola, why did he stop writing?”

ola shook her head saying, “You really don’t know your own son, do you?”

Sorry about that, but the keyboard needed sharpening, and I left it right where I thought it to be, but wasn’t! Anyway, I seem to be having trouble with the “L” key, so every time I need to write “L” it doesn’t show up. Lately, however, I have found that-

“Has he gotten it sharpened?” asked B’s mother, as she folded her handkerchiefs neatly, just in case they needed sobbing into later on that day?

“Yes, he has, but now he’s just babbling about nothing, as usual!”

“Why don’t you just continue to read what he’s written, instead of, well-

“It’s better to wait, trust me on this one, OK?” said Lola, while they played 4-handed Pinochle, with two hands each, but not really understanding why it had to have such a silly name?

continuing to write, “Thanks for waiting ola, I’ve got it sharpened now, OK?” said the man who each and every year, would lose terribly, when the Alaskan Pinochle Championships were played, but-

“Is the author just going to go on and on about nothing, or can I just take a quick drink while we are waiting?” asked B’s mother, as she readied herself for her morning nightcap, or was it just a-

“Put that glass down, and watch the way my rifle moves from side to side” said ola, while B’s mother just said, “Are you really going to shoot me, ola, or are you just someone who points and doesn’t tell?”

“My name” said ola, “Is Lola, and not ola!”

“Then why does my son continue to call you by that name?” asked his mother, who tried to levitate the bottle closer to her glass, but –

“but it really doesn’t matter, does it? ” he continued, while Lola and his mother shot the breeze, or can you really shoot the breeze in past tense, anyway?”

“You two might have been shooting the breeze, but don’t let me get in the way of….now where was I anyway?” said the man who once said that Healy, needed someone to show others the way in life, but lost his nerve, having to hold the sign with the arrow saying” this way to Healy” or was it just that-

ola said, “Are certain, he really is yours and not someone the Tundra Gypsies left on your doorstep, or is that just wishful thinking on my part?” asked the woman who waited breathlessly for the moment when her one and only could satisfy her in the ways and means of the Tundra Gypsy Manner of love-making!

“Well” said his mother, as her hands shook a bit “There was that one summer when he traded him for another child, you know, perhaps even someone from your tribe across the border?!”

“I” said ola. “am Alaskan through and through! Your son thinks that anyone who is born outside of Healy, is a foreigner!”

“Well, it would be better than being born out of wedlock, I suppose, but-

“Who exactly are we talking about here?” asked ola, as B. just wondered when he could finish his letter to his one and only, just without the proper emphasis on the “L” in her name!

-sobbing a bit into her handkerchief saying, “If we didn’t have his sister to keep us company, while he was eating Tundra Pancakes and herding, whatever they herd up in the Far North, but just as we were getting to know one another, they wandered back and demanded her back, as B. was just a bit too odd in his way of thinking and doing for the likes of them and theirs!”

“Why then has B. never told me about his sister?” asked the woman whose own sister led a difficult and troubled life, in the outer boroughs of Fairbanks, and that would be Fairbanks in Alaska!”

“Does he often ramble on and on, or is this a special occasion?” asked B’s mother, while ola just replied, “If only you knew what we had to put up with, being in this “blog” but I guess it pays the bills, or-

“So, that is why, I had chosen to write to you my dearest, instead of you hearing it from foreign lips, which might have been your own, if you hadn’t been in Denali, about who you really are, but-

“Ola dear, put down that rifle, won’t you, and give me one good reason not to continue drinking, seeing as how not even you have any control about what we’ve gotten us into, and all!”

-bursting through the door at that moment, a fellow said “ola, I couldn’t be away from you any longer! Tell Telly that you love him baby, and I’ll give you a lollipop!”

“You see now why the Tundra Gypsies threw him back? Even though his father and I begged them, otherwise!”

“You’d better have that lollipop Mister, or there will just be Tundra Dust and Water for dinner tonight, you hear me?”

“Gosh ola. Your voice reminds me of the Tundra wind, blowing across the North Slope, where we used to sing that lonesome and forgetful song…..

“Well” said, his one and lonely ola, “How does that song go?”

“How do I know, it was forgetful, after all….

Tangentally Yours

“Yep. Soon it will be time for the Healy Reunion Class of….. I can’t wait, or can I?”

Lola just looked at him wondering when those red lines would appear, and would he correct his errors, but life was more than just that, wasn’t it?

“Gosh Lola. I sometimes wonder how I could have reunion in Healy, if I really should have been to one in Homer. Kind of boggles the mind, doesn’t it?”

Lola just looked at him wondering much more than that, but not all is said inside the confines of what is known as relationships, is it?

“Why don’t you ask yourself the more important question?” asked the woman sitting next to me, perusing a new catalog of Raw Earth Ink, wondering what colors they will be offering in their 2021 Collection? “When did we really meet each other? Then you could extrapolate and find the answer to your question.”

“Wow. So Metaphysical of you Catkins. Well, let me pull out the old Abacus and see what develops, or was that pull out the old film, and…. It’s just never mind. My old dad said once, “Rely on your Abacus Son, which is what he called me when he didn’t have any other colorful adjectives at hand, The numbers will never lie to you, like when you count on women to do the same!”

Mom just looked at him and said, “And what Floozy has entered your memory this time? Or, were you referring to me?” said while eyeing the bottle of Old Red Sandstone Whiskey on the shelf behind him, calling out to her, “Drink Me, Touch Me like when you gave up on the Cooking Sherry, and we sailed down the Alimentary Canal together!”

My father thought she was eyeing him and said, “Hey Baby. Why don’t you and I get blasted and sail down the old mine shaft at Dead Horse, like we used to do when we were younger?” Mom just giggled and said, “Those square nails ended up in the darnedest places, didn’t they?” Which got a laugh out of both of them. I walked over to them and thought the time was right for a Group Hug, but my father only turned to me and said, “Go find your own Gal, this one is for me!”, but I only said

“Are you certain those people really were your parents?, asked Lola as she considered how Old Red Sandstone Whiskey tasted on a good roast with some home-grown potatoes and-

but my dad would have said, “Darn good waste of a good Whiskey just to drown out the taste of your cooking”, which made her hit him just below his Triassic, saying, “one more crack like that and you’ll end up extinct as well!”

“Are we going alone or together to the reunion?” asked one of us, but neither one answered. Lola just looked at me and said, “Now why would you say something like that?” which I was about to respond to when someone said, “I’d rather go alone, and see if that old Animal Magnetism is still working in my favor”.

Lola stopped and looked at me and said,”Well, if you want to find someone whose numbers fit yours, then we most certainly will be traveling along on this trip!”

I just looked at her and wondered who was saying what, as if there might be Pods in the Cellar, again?

Lola just stomped out of the room and slammed and locked the bedroom door behind her. Just then a foggy image appeared and Tristan the Vision Moose appeared. “Hey Dude, Rotten Luck huh? Why don’t you just go into town with your buddies and let Lola cool off a bit?” Tristan was dressed to the hilt, sporting a large H on his sleeve, which he said stood for –

“Wait a minute”, I said. “I wasn’t born yesterday, you know? It was a foggy night in mid-October, when my mother announced, “Soon our pride and joy will be arriving!” Dad looked out of the window, wondering if the Old Red Sandstone Whiskey Shipment was about to arrive, when mom said, “No Dear. That isn’t until November. This time our little son will be arriving via Pelican Airways! You know their saying, “Not Rain, Nor Snow, nor Wayward Canadians will stop us from our quest!”

Tristan looked a bit confused trying to follow my train of thought, when the local Steam Engine Number 56 pulled into the Station in order to take on water and coal. Barney the Vision Moose stepped off the train and said, “Tristan. Shame on you! Making the clients fight, so you can pick up the pieces!” Tristan just hung his head low and looked towards the bedroom, where Lola was looking out from a crack in the doorway. “Ah come on Barney. You know I didn’t mean anything with that?”

Their train pulled out of the Station, with Barney waving his fetlock and saying, “Have fun you two kids, We’ll see each other again soon!”

Lola came dancing and prancing over to me, side-stepping the 841 words, saying, “Well, is it going to be Healy, or Homer?”

Well, you know what? It really didn’t matter which one it was, as long as we were together….and if that sounds sappy, well

you probably are right….

I put the old Abacus back on the shelf and saved the memory of when we first met for another time.

Because there always will be another time, won’t there……

The Willies

Lola wondered how they could have come so far into this millennium without actually leaving their home and castle, unless of course you consider visiting Homer in the winter, as being somewhere way, way, way out of town?

“Did you really need to write that last “way” asked B. as he considered his roll in the play at hand. “I would have jumped your bones with only a double-way, but that’s just what any able-bodied man from the Healy Highlands would have done in my shoes, even the ones with the holes in them, that is!”

“Listen you. Some people, including those from the Healy Highlands might be satisfied with staying at home all the livelong day, but this woman, from the Fairbanks lowlands would rather be out and about, living and loving in some other place than just right here, with a man whose sole purpose in life is recalling how his fractured childhood has contributed to the man he is today!”

-and telling about it, as if that were a positive thing!” she added, then sank back down under the covers waiting for someone, anyone to counter her statement, lifting her up into his sinewy arms, and telling her something that she wanted to hear, again, and again, and again!

“There, you’ve done it again” said the man who had difficulty finding his mate, as they sailed the sheets and pillowcases of their enormous bed, purchased by the way at the Homer Winter Bed Sale, tempting Mr and Mrs Hibernating-

“forget that run of words, and tell me what you mean, by how I’ve done it again!”

“Gosh Lola. I only meant that it wasn’t necessary to repeat again, especially the third time, as it put my sinewy arms and rock and roll body in a compromising position, just not one that you had expected or anticipated!”

“All I’m suggesting, is that we take a trip in the Willies, somewhere out of our area, not to Homer where your drinking buddies are floundering around, just somewhere else!”

“See them Lola? See those Moose Bumps rising under the covers? That was in anticipation of you saying Alaska, or one of its sisters, you know, Alaska, Al-aska, or Ala-ska!”

“Let’s have a look here, shall we?” said as she unrolled a map of someplace they both knew of, but where afraid to mention its name in public!” She threw a quick glance towards the town, where she had scorned the idea of running as Ms Alaska, simply as it would exploit her body, instead of her mind, but more than that, as it was how she met her chosen mate for the very first time!

“It was the summer of love” she’d be telling the reporter from Ala-ska Monthly. I was working my way through College, when I met the man of my dreams! He was-

“Gosh Lola. Is this the story where you tell the world about your other profession, which you practiced while growing up in the Fairbanks Lowlands? We’ve never quite broached the subject of the time way back when you were young and innocent, but I have the feeling that we are not far away from that Yarn, no matter who might be knitting the outcome, you know?”

-continuing-

“He was an Out-of-Towner, someone who tempted me with his worldly ways, telling me stories of life beyond those mountains over there – gesturing towards the unknown frontier – and how he wanted to “Take me” there and there, and of course, there!”

“Another 3-timer! I’m telling you Lola, it seems as if I won’t be able to satisfy your needs, seeing as how others might have sipped the flower waters of your garden, while I was out hoeing the weeds along the pathway!”

“Look you. If only you understood which was a weed, and which was a flower, then you could have been that bloke in this highly contested memory possessing no truth in the matter of my younger years whatsoever, but who am I to lead you down the garden path without substance anyway?”

“Uh Lola. Was that unknown frontier still in Al-aska, or was it really one of those foreign places, somewhere close enough to touch, or was that what he said to you while you were lying about in his garden talking of Botany, while I was just a bunion away from a major blister incident?!”

“You see what you put me through, when I am on the receiving end of your whimsy, and not being able to squeeze a word in edgewise, while you tell me of your saintly existence in Healy….and that might be, Healy Al-aska, but I’m not one to kiss and tell!”

Her current one and only sat up in bed wondering what happened to the Willies, the unknown frontier and why she never, never, never would be kissing and telling him about that?”

“Now you’ve started using a 3-timer” she announced, as she dove down under the covers once again, looking for something to pass the time, while her significant other pondered just what might have transpired in her past and how it might have affected their relationship, if any of what she had told him had been the truth, but it wasn’t!

“Now we’ll never know if you moved away with him to those foreign places, will we?” Something that would haunt him for the rest of his days, but only if it hadn’t been a lie, and a good one, that is!

“Nope” she replied, then tempted and teased him over towards her own foreign places, and spaces! leaving him to say,

“Just imagine me to be him, won’t you? Then I can tell all of my friends, how it felt to be there, when he ended up kissing you, like I would have done…….!

Freeing Up My Capitalist Thoughts

“Now that is a title that will open some eyes, let me tell you”, said Lola as she was just about done sweeping the remains of the last blog under the carpet.

“It tells of Marx and Lenin. Of Country and Flag, and why we are in this situation today, that some would like to call Alaska!”

“Gosh Lola. Listening to you listen to me, makes me want to listen to what you are saying, without really knowing what you are saying, or why! Just another proud American, I guess?”

“If you need to put a question mark on that last paragraph, then you are a doubter instead of a doer”, and with that said, she lit the latest cigarette, residing in the lightable, non-lightable line called, Mt Ejer Bavnehøj. The Danish Cigarette that wasn’t!

“You see Lola, the title came from one of my many perusals on the Internet. We can make a statement, just like we usually do, with something like why the people of Soldotna have all been seen on the streets of that beautiful City of Flowers and Children laughing, with something or other that all other Alaskans can identify with, you know like the Tail Bone of an Exxon Tanker Whale, and right smack dab in the middle of the sentence, there will be a Hyped-up link with something that is free but not so, you know?”

Lola was still way back where in that paragraph thinking about what was written about Soldotna, but what the hay, if they want others to think of their city like that, then….

“The great thing is going to be when we, in our extremely sneaky Alaskan way of doing things put a small line of text into the next blog like, “Free the 400,000 Anchorageinians ” in Denali Blue of course, then when they click on that link, they’ll be.- ”

“What in the world of David Redpath’s  La Coco Mojo Trobada are you talking about?”

“We are losing track of your fabulous title with this blue madness! Now what in Sam Hill is an Anchorageinian?”

“Uh Lola. Why is your font size different than mine? I guess they say that some things get bigger when you get closer to them, huh?”

-sighing- “If only that were really true”, said Lola as she waited with bated breath and a Pina Colada, Anchorage Style, for him to admit to losing this blog around word 5, but wouldn’t, he just wouldn’t!

“An Anchorageinian is a resident of Anchorage. Any school boy living in Healy, that is Healy Alaska, knows that, but if you never were such a boy, and did not live in the Northern Climes of my Home Town, then why in the world are you leading me back down the Garden path of Soldotna anyway?”

Lola tried taking a long drag of her Mt Bavnehøj, but felt that those Danes should stop making cigarettes and concentrate on, on….now what is it they do there anyway?

“But when they click on that link, they will be getting something for free, and everyone wants something for nothing, don’t they? Even the most staunch Capitalist wouldn’t mind a free plastic, resembling metal, button to pin on their lapel, bearing the phrase, “I 8 at Barney’s Moosery in Downtown Soldotna, how about U? Then all of their friends and neighbors would want one just exactly like that! Where did you get a Fashion Statement like that? they’ll be asking themselves, and one of them might just say, Well, when I was strolling down the Promenade, which is located

soldotna

Source: Google Maps

dangerously close to the Moose is Loose Bakery, when, I encountered the blog by, “our names here” and-“

“This blog is suspiciously beginning to reek more of Capitalism and not the purported Freebies that you’ve been touting all along!” said while wondering if those Copenhagians were just as frustrated living in their big City as the Anchorageinians seemed to be?

I don’t know about you Lola, but just seeing The Moose is Loose Bakery on that map of Soldotna is making me dream of those Maple Bars the Caribou Woman told us about!

“Yeah, she said. “Kind of makes you sorry that Soldotna, with all of its Garden City Charm, is not right next door to where ever you’ve told others that we live, is it?

“Hey Lola, pass me one of those Danish non-smokes, won’t you?”

-and as this muddled blog fading to black, we see those hapless Alaskans “trying to” enjoying their Socialistic Danish Non-Volcano Smokes with Herr Bunkinan saying, “Kind of dark in Denmark in October, isn’t it Lola?……

while Lola replies,”not exactly the Garden City of Soldotna, but it’ll do for some, I guess?….”