The Absolute Zero First Time We Never Met

“When did we meet the first time?” a question that Lola kept on asking me, but every time I recalled that most pristine, special moment, she shot me down like a clay pigeon, using her gun of choice, as the Tundra stretched out into the backgrou….”Lola, you can stop shooting now, OK. I am dead!”

I am pretty sure, it was when I was running a survey of the Diomede Islands in the Bering Strait. Being this close to the Absolute Most Easterly Boundary of Mother Russia, would have given most fellows an attack of the Willies, but not me. I was immune to that kind of thing, ever since that one seemingly minor incident that occurred when I was young as a child, that came to define my life from that point onward.

I was out on my parent’s Moose Ranch when one of the big ones, named Homer came over to me and Spit on my foot. My right foot mind you, and that made me want to wipe it off, or treasure it always, due to the local custom of “Love your Moose Spit, Like you love yourself”, or words to that effect? One of the locals, an Indigenous type of fellow was always telling me about local customs and such, and even invited me over to taste some Muktuk, which is something that I wouldn’t suggest for the faint at heart, or stomach, but as I

“It seems, we are diverging from the truth again, or have you forgotten the point of this story?” spoken by a local girl with her dark hair glistening in the breeze, while the Moose Spit was still glistening on my right foot!

The islands consisted of Big Diomede and Little Diomede, who were named after the famous Alaskan Explorer, “Vitus Bering” who some claim was Danish, while others adamantly insist he was Danish, which led to a fist fight between the two sides, with the loser having to eat Muktuk and wear a shirt that said, “Kick Me” on the back of it. I was standing on Litle Diomede waving to the friendly Russians on the other side, with their Kalashnikov Rifles glistening in the Arctic Sun, not unlike the impression from the hair of the girl from across the stream near to my parent’s Moose Farm on the Kenai Peninsula.

It was planting season, and my parents were discussing what type of Moose would bring the most money this year? I liked to look at the pictures on the different seed packages, and wondered about other Alaskan Boys my age, who would be making money hand over fist selling Moose Seeds from door to door, keeping a part of their profit, and asking the girl out when they found one that is, and just sitting there admiring her glistening black hair, while trying to rub off the Moose Spit from my right shoe.

“Oh don’t do that”, she remarked with her mouth moving, but I could only concentrate on her lips, and not registering the content of her golden voice. We really weren’t that different, her and I, even though we grew up on opposite sides of that stream. “Just think of when he finds his own girl, and doesn’t have to get Moose Spit on his shoes all the time” my mother told my father, while he just smoked his pipe, and wondered when the local team, The Fighting Muktuks were going to win the Championship against the Homer Habilis, bringing the Silver Cup back to our side of the Peninsula?

I often marveled at how my parents stayed married all those years even though they were on two different wavelengths. My mother spoke, while my father grunted about the poor reception on the TV, while I lay on my bed, under the covers with my flashlight, eyeing a newspaper-cutout of that girl from across the stream, dreaming about meeting the Homecoming Queen, Miss Moose Snout from Homer High School and taking her to the Senior Prom!

The first hurdle was pinning the Manzanita Branch on her dress, without upsetting the Tundra Apple Cart and ending up dangerously close to Big Diomede Island, and the Russian Forces that inhabited it. Dad told me, “Don’t mind those Ruskies, they are probably just like us, but being lucky for them is getting Moose Spit on their Left foot instead of their Right!”

Was the woman of my dreams really named, Lola Kalashnikov, and that stream separating us being the International Boundary between our two Countries? Was it really lucky to get Moose Spit on your Right Foot, and did my parents really like each other, or were they still together because of how Dad liked to eat Mom’s Apple Pie?”

And then I was awoken from my dreams with my mother slapping me silly and saying “Don’t forget to ask the girl to dance, before you try to kiss her! That should bring her closer to your side of the Island!”

-and that is the first time that we never met, but wanted to anyway…..


The Canadian Incident, as a Whole!

-pulling out the old abacus saying, “Yep. Just around 400 words now. Just think, how we’ve come half way, without even trying. Patting himself on the back, putting his feet up and taking a drink while…”

“Look you. We are not halfway yet. We have just begun, and I have a funny feeling about you today, now why might that be?”

“Gosh Lola. It might be like those people who don’t quite make the grade while performing Whoopie? They will just be sitting there wondering, “Should I smoke, or does it matter? What if he wants to touch me there again? Will that matter? Then they consider jumping off Lemming Bridge, just like that poor girl from Monter-real. There she was on the edge while the others in the crowd yelled, “Jump, Jump Jump. Or, if you are not going to jump then take it all off! Then they started cheering and the firemen had to hose them down, before they set fire to the wooden buildings in the town, what with the heated tempers rising and all….”

“Like I said”, said Lola. “Not even halfway through!”

“Gosh Lola. You might at least tell me what you think of my latest idea? We’ll never be able to pull it off, if we are over halfway without having satisfied our needs!”, Said while considering a non-smoke, but would that matter?

“Look You! You haven’t told me anything about an idea, just Lemming Bridge, paper buildings, and those type of lovers who can’t say, “Yes, Yes, Oh My God Yes” without sounding like it was more like “….

“Uh Lola. I didn’t say it was us that had problems, did I? It’s not like we’ve been getting Hate Mail, especially from Australia, after the David Redpath incident! But if we just had a photo or two, then we could use “Travel” as one of our tags. People would want to read us like the dirty looks that we give each other, but only when they think that coming to Alaska will solve their Acne, and make them more attractive to Canadians!”

“What is it with you and those Canadians anyway?” said while she considered her own pleasure at the hands of someone she loved…..”

“Why are you looking in the mirror at yourself right now, Lola?- but as it happens, the Canadian incident, as some might refer to it happened…why are you still looking at your reflection in that mirror, while arching your head back and….”

“Well, you see. It all started years ago before we met each other in Anchorage.  You told me that you didn’t do Anchorage, but suddenly, without warning, you ended up in that very same place, on a course of sorts, which most of us that remember things like that, don’t ever remember hearing about what the course was called? Wasn’t it the Main Course, when you said ” I like sweet things in the morning” and I said, “If I pour sugar all over my body, will that do?” Then you said, “I’d rather eat Cinnamon Cake with M&M’s on it!” and I said, “Well, if you want, I can…”

“Are you sure the two people in that conversation were you and me? Were we really in Anchorage, and didn’t you put your tongue someplace, while I was wondering how we met each other in the first place?”

I said, “Haven’t you misplaced a Time Zone or two, and you said, “If I did, it was probably because…wait a minute. I’m beginning to sound just like you!, and I still haven’t heard about your idea, or why Canada stepped on your little toe?”

“Gosh Lola. Question A, would be how we could catch small white rabbits and sell them to the tourists?”

“But aren’t they wandering around everywhere? Who in their right mind would buy a rabbit that is free anyway?” said Lola as if she really cared about what he was babbling about, while feeling how soft yet strong her legs were, thinking….”

“Funny how that brings us to Question B. Well, I figure that we can tell Canadians that end up on the wrong side of their border, that it is a lucky thing to buy a white rabbit from Alaska! We could stand along Highway 1, near Healy on the Kenai Peninsula, while those Foreign Tourists would screech to a halt, “Screech” would be the approximate sound, and they would pile out of their Canadian-Made Cars and say, “Gosh. Look at those white rabbits, my French-Speaking Lover, and she would say, “I don’t care what I have to do to have one, just… And there I was. Holding my white rabbit in the air, thinking how minutes before, it was trying to go down the whole, and you said,”…

“Not the whole. The Hole! Don’t you know the difference between the two?”

Well, some might be having trouble imagining this whole business! Some might say, ” if the whole fits, then…., but that might just be a personal problem? She might remark, “Oh, how I want to play with the whole rabbit, before it makes its way down my hole” while her lover says, “Not now dear. There are people watching! Then we will have made a killing on selling white rabbits, who will be confiscated at the border, returning them to the right side of the Canadian Border! Then they will stand on top of their cars and yell, “Curse you Kenaians, you haven’t seen the last of Foreigners like us”, then they would speed away, yelling out curses in French, almost like the time that unfortunate incident happened to me, changing the way I would come to think about Canadians and their wholes!”

-“but you still haven’t told me about how it all….”

“Sorry Lola, but we’ve come to the end of this blog, which might just have gone full-circle, as we started in the middle in the first place!”

“If you just start reading this now, then jump to the beginning, then you might just see how the hole thing makes sense anyway!”

“And that is the truth, as I see it…..”


My First Day at the Filling Station

Mom and Dad were always trying to get me out of the house. My Dad used to say things like, “Don’t you have a ladybug to step on, or some ants to incinerate under a magnifying glass or something?” while my Mom would just giggle and say, “Oh Morris. Now I know why I fell for you back then!” Then they would give me a wooden pole and some clothes tied in a bundle up on top, plus a cucumber sandwich saying, “Your Mother and I will be done with our Uh hum “Talk” for a few hours. Go and get lost until then!”

Well, I’d just wander about like they said to do, but what is a boy to do in Healy….Alaska in the Summertime? My parents always wanted to talk about this and that, but I was not allowed to be present at the time! It was like,

“Don’t you realize now what they were “talking about”?” asked Lola although I would object to how the quotation marks wrapped around her last question mark, kind of like when I got home again, and my Mom saying, “Oh Morris. I just loved the way you wrapped around my question mark. Then they would laugh and

“My boy. My boy.” said Lola, while shaking her head, and frowning.

Almost what my Father said the day that I told him, I’d found a way to stay away all Summer. “I’d gotten my first job at the filling station in Healy….and

“Was that Healy Alaska?” asked Lola, but I just ignored her implications and wondered about the first time we had met each other?

Well, the filling station had a Dinosaur on its roof, and dead flies in the window. The owner, Mr Barney Moose used to tell me not to put my hands in my pockets while on the job, but he didin’t want me to remove those dead flies, in case someone actually happened on by and there was nothing else to talk about…

After one week of work, I got my first paycheck. Well, it wasn’t really a paycheck, but a collection of assorted quarters with pictures of George Washington needing a good shave and a haircut! I was told that I would get 2-bits an hour, but not more than 4-bits per day. That got me to thinking, “but not too much now” said Barney, or your brain might blow a fuse! He said that his Girlfriend, named Lola was always blowing fuses, when she tried to think about what they meant to each other, but it seemed that they didn’t quite agree on that subject?

“His girlfriend was named Lola? Are you just making up this story as you go?” asked the woman who would be king, and I said..

Yes, and she was a looker, just like you! Which is what Barney told her all the time on the phone, even when he was looking in that funny magazine, “Moose Girls Monthly” and ogling the women in the middle section, with staples in their

“In their what?” demanded Lola, thinking that I, in my young and innocent years, was subjected to seeing the likes of questionable glossy women with staples in their…

Well, one day something really exciting happened! Barney was working on a Willies Jeep in the repair shop yelling up a storm about a nut that just wouldn’t get loose. “Come on Baby, I know you want your Daddy to…” but she wouldn’t, and he couldn’t,

-and it reminded me of once, when I came home a bit early and my parents were still having their “talk”. Dad kept on saying “Isn’t it right here, it was before!”, with my Mom replying, “Do you need a flashlight or something?” Then I guess they had to find that flashlight, with the furniture being knocked over, and my Father cursing and the like. Mom finally said, “Oh forget that flashlight, we’ll try something else”, which I guess did work, because they

“Is that what happened that day at your job, or are we still just waiting for the Anchorage Express to pull out of the Train Station at Seward?”

I looked out of the window and wondered when they were finished loading the coal and filling the boiler with water, but that was all part of the charm of traveling by train, wasn’t it? Well after we got underway, the Conductor looked out the window and yelled, “Hold onto your Varicose Veins, we are about to…

-but his last words on the subject were lost, when a big wave or something hit the side of the train! Mom lost her cookies while Dad said, “Now what are we going to eat on the rest of the trip? and..”

“All right young man!”, said a voice to the younger me. It was Barney’s Girlfriend Lola, who pulled me out of the wreckage of that Filling Station, just as the Anchorage Express roared on by in the background. I just dusted myself off, and looked behind me to see how that large green Dinosaur had tipped over, taking the whole filling station and those dead flies with it!

“Barney!”, Lola cried, but the Firemen from the Healy Volunteer Fire Department and Appliance Store just pulled her away saying, “I’m afraid we are too late to save him Ma’am, but perhaps a new coffee maker would ease your pain?”

“Dang” I thought. No more George Washingtons for this boy, and now I’ll have to spend my summers waiting outside my parent’s house, making suggestive pictures in the dust outside, while dreaming about someone named Lola…”

-and those free maps with the green Dinosaur on the cover….


Being Flexible to Her Way of Thinking

“Look here. How difficult can it be? Lola was holding the instruction manual, with the parts clearly labeled, A, B and C. “If you place your hand on “A”, while placing the index finger of your right hand on – showing me close-up how the designers imagined it to be done, – on “B” then….

“Honestly Lola. This isn’t a game of Twister. I just can’t flex my body in such ways anymore!”

“If Mama is going to get her new storage unit for her Cannabis Oil Accessories, then you had better be a bit more flexible in your thinking!”

It was kind of like, but necessarily so like the time that she said to me, “I love how you make those different voices. Almost like Papa Moose being flexible with Mama Moose.

Papa B. Moose said in his gruff voice, “The Moose Flakes aren’t ready to be eaten, so I think we all should take a walk in the forest and nibble on some twigs!”

Baby Moose Howie jumped up and down, with his little eyes lighting up like sunlight on the roof of the Conoco-Phillips Building in Beautiful Downtown Anchorage after a summer rain! The Canadian Tourist Bus had suffered a flat, forcing the passengers to seek shelter in the nearby…but I digress.

“OK Boys” said Mama L. Moose, in her sweet and understanding way as they gathered their wits about themselves and went out of the back door into the forest.

Along the pathway at the front of the house a young woman appeared. (Don’t be shy with the adjectives, won’t you? They add color and pizazz to the story, telling your readers that…) Her long dark hair was reminiscent of the scores of blackbirds blackening out the sun on this otherwise so sunny day, her lips painted rosy red with just a hint of “come to me baby” pink told the story of a woman of passion, who roamed the forests and the seasides looking for the man whose loving arms were flexible enough to satisfy her every need and want especially when assembling her new storage unit!

She knocked on the front door, wondering if such a man was at home?

He answered just as she had turned and was leaving, her long dark hair trailing behind her, just waiting to wrap itself around his waiting…

Then Mama Moose said in her motherly voice, “Now Boys, don’t go too far into the forest. Remember our Moose Flakes at home! And with that she…

“Do we really need to concern ourselves with those Moose right now? You are a master at changing the subject, and this would be a good time to let them do their “Twig Grazing” while this Forest Maiden, who having found the man of her dreams, is waiting to be swept off her feet and borne up to his waiting lair of pain and pleasure!”

-but Baby Howie Moose just said, “Aw Mom. Why can’t we suck on some of the special trees that grow deeper in the forest? All of my friends at school have sucked on them, and I don’t want to be the only one who hasn’t tasted a real iTree!”

Mother Moose was just about to reply using her motherly voice, when Father Moose took her his in arms and said,….

“Moose don’t have arms, now do they? You are way out of town on this one Bunky! I think you need to take a non-smoke and figure out how little clothing remained upon the body of that Forest Maiden, as he tore it off her willing and waiting desire, with his bare teeth, just as his flexible arms had completed putting part “A” into part “B”! “Ooh” she said, as he displayed what part “B” was really to be used for, thus disregarding the instruction manual and…..”You see. That is how a real story should sound, Got it?!”

Father Moose said in his gruff way, “I guess the old body isn’t as flexible as it used to be” as he limped along after Mother Moose, feeling very unsatisfied with her unfulfilled desires and….

“Didn’t I tell you that those Moose can fend for themselves?” she said, fanning herself as he gently removed the last stitches of clothing, revealing the most perfectly-formed body that never had graced his humble cottage before! She drew him closer to her. Close enough to feel his hot breath against her breasts which were…

Then Baby Moose Howie said, “Gosh Mom and Dad. It looks as if we are having visitors in our humble cottage!” and with that the Moose entered their home, with father Moose saying, in his gruff voice, “Somebody had been playing with my storage section”, and Mother Moose said, in her dainty way, “and they didn’t even put part “B” into the correct hole!” and Baby Howie Moose said, “Mom, why is dad limping like that? Is it like the time when you caught him with the Moose Woman at the Twig Store? He was just tasting some free samples, when you said, “The Twigs, and not her….

“I’m going to scream in exactly one minute, unless you take part “C” and put it where it belongs….And I mean NOW!”

“Bang” went a sound, sending the 3 Moose upstairs to see what the commotion was all about!

Father Moose said in his usual gruff voice, “Someone has been using the instruction manual without looking at the pictures”, then Mama Moose said, “If only you could assemble my parts like you used to”, and Baby Howie Moose said, “My Goodness Mama, isn’t her body the most fabulous thing, you’ve ever laid your eyes on?!”

-and Lola looked up at that moment, when the storage unit was assembled and standing upright in a most sturdy and pulsating way…….

“Oh My God in Heaven, Bunky!

“Tell me what your intentions are with me, I mean with that Forest Maiden with a body that wants to rock and roll!”

….and remember, be sure to use your usual gruff-sounding voice, when we are doing it…..








I Wanted to Take It, but He Said No!

“All right now”, said Lola, thinking about when Katmai Smokes used to be in vogue, in their fancy cigarette box with, but that is neither here nor there, she thought, as she attempted to ask him about his journey once again.

“Now you were on this journey, weren’t you. One of mind and soul searching for the truth in life, in love and the true meaning of our time on this planet, weren’t you?”

“Well Lola, it sound so elegant when you say it, but I really only wanted to get to Homer, you know Homer Alaska? before the Rubber Band Shooting Championships began. I got into the bus marked Homer, and hoped that it was the Homer close to where we lived?”

If I said, “From now on, every time you mention someplace in Alaska, I want you to say, “in Alaska” would you do it just to be Reverse Bob and stop making me crazy and wanting to shoot you?”

“Oh, I see. A kind of reverse psychology, huh? You can try Lola, but my parents tried the same kind of thing on me to stop me from doing….well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but if you have a day and one half, a good stiff drink in your hand, and an extra large sized bag of Moose Chips then we might be able to Cut the Crepe and….

“It is not called, “Cut the Crepe”,  it is… oh never mind.”

“Why did you need to take the bus to Homer (biting her lip, not wanting to say “Alaska”, but…)

“Well, I wanted to, but the man sitting in the bus said, “I don’t like the ilk of your kind of talk, and we started arm-wrestling while the other passengers placed their bets! Just as I was about to beat him, a Moose suddenly walked in front of the bus and he had to slam on the Brokes before the bus did.

Break you know?”

“Before the bus did what?” asked Lola, still wondering what embarrassing moment he had experienced when he was young and innocent as a child?

“Well Broke, I guess you would say, if it really did any Breaking? Which it didn’t luckily for us, or we never would have gotten to wherever we were going.”

“If the bus broke? Was the bus in motion while you two were….are you out of your mind?”

“That’s what the Moose thought as he peered into the windshield. I just said, “Well, it all started when, but the Bus Driver said, “We are never going to reach Homer, Alaska before the sun goes down in September at this rate, and he put it into gear again, propelling us on our way to points unknown! Well, they weren’t really unknown, unless of course that had been my first visit to Homer Al – Lola why are your eyes darting furtively from side to side? Now where was I?”

“If you remember, what I really doubt, I told you on that morning, at our home, located on the Kenai Peninsula, in the State of – biting lip and sobbing a bit – that you needed to take the bus in order to buy the spare parts we needed to fix the Caribou Cart. You said, “Gosh Lola” and I wanted to move away to another place somewhere in Al-well..  just another place where Goofy Butts like you, didn’t drive me crazy with their repetitions!”

You said, “Gosh L…. , I might not be able to remember why I am taking the bus, so I put a rubber band on your finger to remind you! Do you remember now, and please, please, say that you do!”

“Golly Lola, you haven’t please pleased me in a long while now, and that reminded me of the time that my parents said, Please, Please don’t move away to the University and leave your father and I home alone! Mom just sobbed a bit, almost like when I mention Alaska to you, but Dad only said in his gruff voice, “I guess your mother has forgotten how we met in that river, and I caught a prize salmon for her to eat!” Then mom said, “You were only trying to get into my Moose Skin and thought that the way to a woman’s heart is through her….., but then I told them “Golly Mom and Dad. Why do you two always have to fight so much?” but Dad only said, “You take your little Moose Snout right up to your room and wait until your mother and I have finished snorting!  Then mom said, “Oh Morris, do you remember when that one salmon was caught in your antlers and we laughed until the Caribou came home?” Then my parents just stood there, laughing and snorting until my Dad motioned my Mom over to their bedroom and….

-“but you still haven’t told me why you got into a fight with the bus driver!”

said by the fabulous woman next to me, with her wayward hair and lips that whispered softly and seductively to me,

“Alaska, Alaska, Al – as – ka …….

Re-Mapping Alaska

Lola was not home at the moment. She was out and about, doing this or that, and without a doubt, sooner or later she would most likely, if not sooner than that, but only if…

“Now I can see why so many people are not following this blog!” said the love of my life, now entering stage left. She was wearing a classy ensemble being a part of the Volcano Collection 2018. Her choice today, being a Mt Redoubt skirt combined with a Mt Spurr top that says, that says….”Gosh Lola. What does your classy ensemble say?”

“Drop the clothing and listen to me, because”…..”but Lola, when you say Drop the clothing, I start thinking about something entirely different, and – looking over toward her willing and waiting eyes – but she only said, “Listen you. I was on the way to Homer today to do some shopping at Wally’s Gun Emporium and Sushi Bar, but on the way there, I passed through Palmer ….Palmer Alaska!”

“Great stuff Lola! Are they getting ready for the State Fair?” he just looked upon her with eyes that said…

“Look here you. Palmer is normally located to the north of Anchorage, and not found on the Kenai Peninsula, or do you know anything about that?”

“Are you sure it wasn’t Palmer spelled with a small “p” instead of a large, or better yet it being a Russian “P” which could be spelled like this: ∏almer? see how easy that was?”

“No. It was the Palmer that usually is to the north of Anchorage, but that’s not all. When I was done in Homer, I turned  a bit to the south and ended up in Healy!”

“Great News Lola. Did you drop in on Mom and Dad and say hello from me? Or did you ask if they have left my room like it used to be, sort of like a shrine or something?”

“Those times that this blog took place in Palmer and Healy…Did you move them down to the Kenai Peninsula, or….?”

“Well. Funny you should ask something like that, because the answer is yes and no. Well, I’ll just go out and weed some of those cabbages and…”

“I understand for the sake of our 800-word blog, things needed to be  bit closer, really I do, but why didn’t you move them back again?” said as Lola’s voice sounded just a bit higher and less sweet than when we started this conversation a few words back.

“So” said Lola without smiling, “Move them back!”

“Well” I said in return. “It’s easier said than done. What if someone reads one of those older blogs and can’t figure out where Healy or Palmer, both still in Alaska, have gotten to? What about our credibility and….”

Lola answered calmly, but firmly saying, “but nobody reads anyone’s early blogs  anyway!”

“Well of course they do, otherwise why do we keep them, placing them into categories or months of the year, if no one is going to read them anyway?”

Lola just started pacing forth and back, which sounds like a funny thing to say, but that’s how they say it in Denmark, if you didn’t know that!

“We can’t keep other towns down here with us! What about Fairbanks? have you moved that city as well?” admiring herself in the mirror, wondering what the next fashion season would be bringing to Palmer, the next time she was heading towards Homer?”

“You see Lola, you want those places here as well, don’t you? It would make things a whole lot easier if we lived closer to the real Alaska,  while we still could be living the “off the grid lifestyle” whatever that means?

You might be saying one fine day when we are just ourselves, or are we?, “Let’s beat each other against some rocks down at the creek, and I’d have to say, “but what about the people staying at the Healy Hotel? Right now the window towards the creek might just be in the restaurant, with a slam-bang close-up view of what is happening outside. Would that be some kind of entertainment, because if Mom and Dad are eating there one night, I wouldn’t want them to see us in our traditional costumes doing, well….you know…”

“All I’m saying is for you to move those places back to where they came from, before someone notices they are gone. How hard can that be?”

Well, I took out the old map of the State, you know Alaska and gave it a good look over before starting. “If we, pointing to the Healy near us and moving it up a bit to…Lola? What about Mt Denali? Does that need to go back as well, or couldn’t Howie and I try to climb it one day, when I reduce the elevation on it to let’s say, ½ the height, making it a lot easier to deal with! Then I could…hand me those crayons, please, that’s my girl, change the color of the glaciers to brown, making it safer for us to, to…Lola. What are you doing?”

Lola just rolled up the map, placing it in the corner, before asking me to see something that no woman before had seen in my entire life!

!!My password to the blog site.!!

There she was, with her index-finger on the backspace key…..

“Lola. Please. Be gentle with me, won’t you dearest?”

And if you find any really juicy parts with you and me, then save them for the next blog, OK……?


“Uh Lola. Are you still listening to me?”


“Uh Lola. Were you ever listening to me?…..

Are You Just Making Up Things As You Go Along?

That’s what the policeman in Nome, asked me when we ended up spending the night in the Hoosegow. I said

“What did the policeman ask you, and when tell me when were you in Nome, Alaska and with whom?”

“I never said it was in Nome, Alaska, now did I? It might have been Nome Texas for all you know, Miss Know It All, but

“Well. Was it, or wasn’t it in Nome, Alaska? asked Lola again, just a bit less patient this time.

“All right then, if you must know. Then Yes. It was in Nome, Alaska, but that doesn’t make the story any easier to talk about, does it?” and with that said, I just whistled a little tune, and went about my business as if I didn’t have a care in the world, when Lola said, ”

“Let’s start again. Nice and slow. When were you in Nome, Alaska?”

“Uh. Let’s see. It was at the Midnight Sun Parade in June, and we were there to participate with our homemade float, “The Nomenclature”. It was a sunny day with the birds singing, “Cheep cheep, and chirp chirp” when this nice policeman came on by and asked if someone was smoking something of a hallucinogenic nature? Well, we were all pretty high, but lucky for us, your sister wasn’t as unclear in her head as we were in ours when she told the fellow

“You are telling me, that you were in Nome, Alaska. Not Texas. Stoned out of your mind with a pack of questionable friends, when my sister did the dance of the1000 Naked Caribou for you boys, with everyone ending up in the Hoosegow!”

“My friends were not questionable! They were all good lads, even though Sharpy had that glass eye that made it look like he was looking at your sister’s assets the whole time, but he wasn’t. He just wasn’t! Then she turned to us and said, “This officer of the law would like to know who is going to pilot this float down the parade route, and

“Was that before or after she did the dance of the 1000 Caribou in Heat? My God, Bunky I thought I knew you, but knowing my sister makes me wonder who you are and where you have been before you….wait a minute. When were you in Nome, Alaska. Not Texas with my sister? Was it when I was still in the hospital after the birth of our son, Howie, or when he got run over by that Milk Truck when the half and half was all over the street? You don’t remember that happening, do you, because you were fiddling my sister, where you usually fiddle me, and not this time in Nome Texas….Yehaw!”

-and that was the story that I decided to tell at this year’s annual “Tall Tale Contest” with the winner being awarded an all expense paid visit to Nome. And that was Nome, Alaska if anyone was still in doubt about that!

-but Lola didn’t believe me, so she called the police department in Nome Alaska, and Nome Texas just to be thorough about it and asked if someone resembling the picture of her sister, sent by Air Caribou to Nome, and by Air Mail to Nome. I’ll let you figure out which is which, then

“Are you getting to the point of this blog, or do we have to wait all day long for the punchline?” asked Lola

“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore, does it? Your sister called me and asked if I thought it would be a good idea if she came for a visit? I said, OK, but only if you promise to do the dance of the 1000 Caribou with me, then I would pave the way for her to come by sweet-talking you and whatnot! She agreed, and while you were out sniffing your Cannabis, or whatever you do out in that Greenhouse, then we might as well strut our stuff, until you came home again!”

“Well, I’ve heard just about enough” said Lola and looking for the nearest firearm, club or knife if I had mentioned that magic number by the way.

“So if I call my sister right now and accuse her of infidelity, then she would admit to everything, you just told me?”

“That’s the truth as you would like to hear it, so why don’t you call her! I have her number right here” and reaching down deep into his pants, he pulled out a small box and a slip of paper. “Here. Call her up, but I warn you, it isn’t cheap calling Nome Texas as this time of day!”

-and while Lola just looked at him with a mixture of confusion and anger, he pulled out that little box and said, “Lola, would you make me the happiest man on this planet and say yes to be Mrs Bunkworthy Jones of the Lower Kenai Peninsula Soil Survey Area, and go with your husband on an all expense paid trip to Nome, Alaska!”

And right there Lola fell out of bed, and looked over to where her one and only should have been, but remembered he was on a trip to Nome Alaska to buy some super strain Cabbage seed!

And that was no tall tale, but if you want to hear another, then just hang around a bit more, ya hear?…….

When My Caribou Had a Flat on Turn Number 3

Yes siree Bob there is quite a crowd today at the 56th annual running of the Caribou 500, coming to you live from the race track just outside of Beautiful Downtown Soldotna!

Cheers heard as the clock raced down to the start of the race while

“Our guest today is known to you one and all I’m sure, I’d like you all to welcome Lola Sterling the local favorite and 5-Time Winner of this very race” cheering heard in background, and antler-banging going on!!!!!

“Thanks Homer for inviting me today. I’d like to give a big Kenai Peninsula Howdy to all those folks who have supported me over the years, and hope that they have as good as time as the beer lasts, and the antlers don’t break! – more cheering and shouts of “Take it off Lola, you know you want to!”

“Lola will be pitting her know-how today against an up and coming star, Miss Cary Beau of Destiny, Let’s give this young woman a round of applause, won’t you?” cheering, and some booing while wondering which of them was best in bed, without saying anything to their old lady, sitting next to them!

“Put those eyes back in your head Mister, before I bean you a good one” threatening words from Mrs. Kenai to her Husband Niskiski while he tried to make it right by buying her a foot-long moose dog and a big coca-cola to keep her pacified while…

“Lola have you developed any special techniques for this year’s race? Unless of course that would reveal any of your innermost secrets, which we wouldn’t want to hear about, would we boys? – cheering and, shouts of “Aw Come on Lola. You know we want to know your secret,s and if we were in any of them….

“Well Homer. Let me just say that my Assistant, Rio Rico has been instrumental in helping me stay on top all these many years”. – standing beaming, showing her best side forwards with Irma and Jolene displaying their best aspects as the sun shining through the thin fabric of Lola’s blouse revealing…

Rico stumbling up to the microphone, waving to the women in the crowd, while stuffing his shirt into his trousers, saying “Well hello, little lady” noticing Cary Beau, and kissing her on both cheeks, while noticing her most obvious talents and aspects, especially her twin..

“Down Rico. Down Boy!” said Lola. “Let’s keep our minds on the game at hand, OK?”

Rico just smiled and fingered his pencil-thin mustache, while waving to the crowds and wondering if he was going to get lucky tonight after wishing Lola a pleasant “Good Evening” while….

Cary Beau remarked, “My what strong-looking hands you have Mr. Rico. I’ll bet your lover feels so safe in your strong arms, doesn’t she?”

Rico just smiled and said…

Come on Lola, the big race is coming up, that is if they ever get past this hokey smokey way of inserting Cheap Sex into an otherwise exciting race between the best Caribou of the..

but Lola was not fooled by Rico and his attempts to woo other women. Her eyes were not for the likes of him anyway, but would rather be in the hot and heavy company of..

“Gosh Darn it Kenai”, the Caribou looking amused at hearing its name, but kept on eating the lichens on the ceiling while his master stomped and snorted about, wanting to chomp at the bit, but failing miserably in his attempts. “Uh Oh Lola, it looks just like Jack T. Torn has shown up in this “about to turn the channel to Olga Kalashnikov’s “Native Basket Weaving of the Kamchatka Peninsula” but…

Lola stormed into the room and sat down glued to the screen, when Jack T. Ribbons entered the grandstands. His steady stare searched and searched until he saw, what he was looking for. What his body was hankering for….

“Well howdy Ma’am” directed at Miss Cary Beau, but actually his hands met Lolas’ instead, sweeping her off her feet and carrying her over to…

“Well, I never!” remarked Miss Beau, whose eyes said, yes, while the rest of her said…

“Come on Lola. Unless those two kittens are going to scratch each other’s eyes out here and now, we might as well just…

“Shut up you Fool! or are you planning to cut the power again like the last time Jack T. was about to Rock My World!?”

I felt hurt and a bit confused. The TV-Guide said that there would be Flat on Turn Number Three which made the whole movie worthwhile seeing, but now with this Cowboy romancing someone called Lola, and my Lola just, well. So I just decided to muck out the Caribou Pen instead.

Lola came out and found me knee-deep in the quagmire, just talking to Kenai, our lead Caribou, and asking him if there was something wrong with me?

“Look you” Lola said gently, while the flies made my job and my life less pleasant than…

“Look you” Lola said gently. Jack T. is just a fantasy figure. Kind of like you and your obsession with Olga Kalashnikov. I try not to let it get to me, but you do tend to rant and rave about her quite a bit, you know? But he doesn’t mean anything more than that!”

“How about when you got written into Destiny? How about that?”

Lola just went quiet at the mention of Destiny. She still wasn’t ready to talk about what happened there, but in time, perhaps the truth of the matter would come out?

“Come on, you. The big crash scene is coming up, and take Kenai with you? Then we can all enjoy it as a family, OK?”

There we were, all 4 of us, with Howie in the background panting and slobbering like he loved to do, when the excitement went so crazy like that pileup on turn 3 did! I finally had to pull out the garden hose and hose down everyone present, including Lola, then we all ran around the yard, pretending to be Caribou racing around the track, heading for Doom and Destruction, which by the way are 2 small towns just down the way past…but that can be saved for another story, couldn’t it…….?

Goings On in the Vision Forest

Barney the Moose was taking a well-deserved rest in the Vision Forest, when his friend, Tristan came on by.

“Hi Barney, How’s tricks?”

Barney just rolled over and got up from his hammock, wondering why anyone would have called it that, but accepting it as a part of life, he replied, “Oh. You know. No visions have come to me today, so I’m just reflecting on life and all”.

Tristan just nodded and said, “Got you there Buddy. Why just the other day I was visiting that couple you appeared to about Bunky Logic! Well the woman was needing a vision, and I said….

Barney just looked at him as if he had lost his inspiring marbles, and said,” Did she really want a vision, or did you just pass her way to look at her human body and wonder what she would be like, if she were a Moose?”

Tristan just looked down and scratched the dirt with his left fetlock. “Well, it’s like you said, she’s a looker!” and the two Moose just shook the nearby trees in acknowledgement as they continued to…

“I’ve heard just about enough about you and your Moose!” said by the woman whose left fetlock was all the rage of the Vision Forest. “We’ve had Mother Moose and her Oodles, then there was the 3 Moose in the Forest, then…

Barney wondered when Sheila was going to visit him from Australia. They had a few good laughs and a butt of their Antlers the last time she was visiting him at their secret hideaway “In Disposed” Alaska! She had turned to him on that occasion and asked, “Have you gotten any visions about you and I?” said while blinking her eyes in a very Moose-like way, and putting her right fetlock on his..

“Can’t we go back to the Caribou Times again?” asked Lola, who was just about Moosed-Out, but might also have been in Denali, like she was in a previous blog about her famous father, named…

“Shelia”, said Barney wondering why he never had noticed the kangaroo tattoo on her left shoulder blade, “I wouldn’t want to lead you down the Garden Path, unless I was certain of my Twig Intentions! You know how I would need to ask your father for your fetlock in Marriage, but as I recall, the last time we butted Antlers, he had told me to  “Take a flying leap at a rolling ball of Moose Hair, so I said…..

“What a Bummer Man”, said Tristan, while he sharpened his Left Antler on a nearby tree. “I always keep ’em sharp as a tack in case I need to defend the honor of a lady, which makes them all shaggy and snorting”…causing both Moose to butt their Antlers in acknowledgement, knowing what Women Moose were like, when they were..

“When they were what?” Demanded Lola, as she considered this year’s Moose Skins, from the catalog, “The Moose in You” – The Kenai Kollection! Her left fetlock thumbed through the pages until she came to the “Kenai Kinky Section” with a sticker stating: Warning, Proceeding without having attained the proper age might warrant a visit from the Moose Police, who…

“How could I have thumbed through a katalog, when I wouldn’t have had any thumbs?” which made her snort a bit at my ignorance and take a walk outside seeking fresh twigs and water.  I just followed after her saying “I’m sure your vision from the keepers of the Vision Forest will have a bearing on our lives together!” said while I leaned against the shed, and pulled out a non-smoke, a Mt Olympus, shield volcano from the planet Mars!

“Are you sure you want to mount that smoke?”, asked Lola as she moved closer to me sensing that the 69,000 foot volcano might just be a bit too much to chew, if you catch my continental drift!

I said, I said. “Gosh Lola. It seems as if I’ve gotten lost in the Vision Forest! It was all going so well, what with Barney and his friend, Tristan, which is a name that came to me in a vision one dark summer night when the sun had set at 6pm. Tristan said, ” You are obviously not in Alaska in the summer months, but have left this fine state, leaving your Lola for the rest of us in the Vision Forest to….

I said, “Gosh Lola. It seems as if this blog is about to run out of steam, though I thought I put enough water in the pressure-cooker and stoked it up to boiling, when…

“Obviously, you have been fooled into thinking that you can just continue to write a new Lola-blog everyday without suffering Blog burn-out. Try to take a break for a while and let your stockpile of blogs, do your work for you!”

Barney and Tristan just nodded in acknowledgement, saying, “Yep! Brains and a Body as well on that woman, that would drive any well-adjusted Vision Moose Wild with desire………


The Brown Wrapper Labeled: Lola

It all started out when I went out in the dead of winter to find our jeep. We had painted it white to help us find it easier in the dark of the Alaskan Winter, but then it snowed, wouldn’t you know it, and Lola said it was my idea, but it wasn’t (hiding the paint can labeled “white”) behind my back.

Our conversation went something like this:

“Ah come on Lola. Let’s rub noses or something else to occupy our time! We’ve done just about everything else this winter, like shiver, wipe the ice off your gun-rack and shovel out the Caribou Pen, when we can find it, that is! Now, let’s try  something else!”

Lola just looked at me as if I only thought about sex, listening to Olga Kalashnikov on the radio, and well, sex! It’s not as if we can do what we want when the snow is taller than the roof and it is starting to look like the trenches of WWI to get around. “Keep on digging!” she yelled, as if I didn’t know my shovel from well, my shovel! I dug a path to the mailbox in case the US Postal Service found the road again, and decided to approach our house under cover of Winter!

When I got there, I looked inside, but it was rather dark, so I put my hand down, around, and felt about until my fingers found something interesting, and – “If you have a personal problem with dark spaces, then I’d like to hear about it, before we consider doing anything else this winter!”Lola was sharp and to the point, though my dull wit couldn’t always fathom how my pencil could fit into her pencil box?

I thought we always could try to play the old Metaphor game, but she would most likely win, with my failed attempts fading in intensity like an incandescent bulb trying to compete in this world of LED lighting!

“Well. She tapped her foot impatiently, as I pulled my hand out of my pocket, displaying a brown wrapper labeled: Lola. Then underneath: Your Sex Toy is Enclosed!

I felt my manhood wither and fade away as if it were one of the last flowers of the Alaskan Summer, just before the relentless Alaskan Winter! Cold and alone underneath the snow, waiting for an opportunity to rise up again, unfolding itself in all its glory, before a wandering moose or caribou ate it, turning me into a pile of moose/caribou poop to fertilize the next generation of man. Stronger and more virile, but lacking the feeble attempts of the last generation, its lacks and and

Lola just tore open that wrapper while my mind was awash with Metaphors. Their tide wetting my virtual feet, dragging me back to the sea, where life began those many billions of years ago. She just squealed and ran into the bedroom, locking the door behind her and turning the radio way up high, drowning out the sounds of my failed attempts to please the only woman, I really loved…..

Suddenly, she burst out again, displaying the contents of her “Sex Toy” as if it were to rub sand in my eyes, blinding me to the truth, that

“Oh stop it, you silly goose and look” she presented the item to me and….it was a photo of me! I was her Sex Toy! I just took her in my arms and…..

“Such a nice story to tell others, but why not just stick to the truth for once?”

The snow was no more than 2 inches deep. You slipped and almost fell on your hind side, when you grabbed onto the mailbox, knocking it over, and shaking a package out that had been stuck on the inside since before we moved here, all those years ago. You said it was wrapped in brown paper, bearing the name, “Sex Toy” with my name on it. It really was a letter from my lover, who used our mailbox as a secret drop-off place sending me messages about where and when to meet him. This time was to be at the bar called, “Sex Toy” located in the Seedier section of Homer. On his way to meet me, his car was hit by a snow plow, killing him outright, which is why I cry every time it snows on the 4th of July! Homer would have been 61 this year, and our two children, who are living in Canada, would have known the man who they could have called, “Dad” if he hadn’t fallen overboard from that Russian Trawler in the Bering Sea, got hit and killed by that Caribou Herd while Crossing the road, on the way to work at Prudhoe Bay, or cheated on me with Miss Alaska in the 1956 Pageant!”

“Are you telling me that you had been seeing someone behind my back? That he died three deaths, had 2 children, with snow on the 4th of July,  and…wait a minute! There is something about that story that sounds suspicious. Are you saying that he was an older man, and his kids were Canadians?”

“No. I just said that was my version of the same story, but not that it was the truth!” said Lola smiling and about to turn away, when

“So are you still seeing him, or is it over between you two?” was about the only thing, I could think of to say, but I had doubts that

“No. Then I met you and we vowed what with him dying 3 times in one story, it was better we waited until another blog to consummate our lust!”

“Well that version is one I can sink my teeth into….I think