The Curse of Lemming Bridge

“Come on Grandpa, you’ve been promising to tell us that story for a long time, but you never do!”

The kids all sat around the campfire, pushing and daring each other closer to the glowing embers, but then pulling away in the last second. The marshmallows were eaten and stuck on their hands, while their faces bore the rest of the sticky mass, mixed with charcoal and Tundra Dust. The old man just looked up at the blackness of the night sky, and wished to God, he didn’t know what he knew about

“Well”, he started to say, “It all started when I was a much younger man, and met a woman from, ”

“Was she an Alaskan, just like we are Gramps?” “Was she like our Aunts, Irma and Jolene?”

The old man just sighed and wished, he didn’t have to rake those coals over again, but he had been promising them a story, and this one was one of the better from his long list of remembrances from the dim past. “You see, it all happened in


“I don’t know, Lola. Are you sure you want to get into this plot? Why look at an old man and a bunch of kids, when we can learn about the finer aspects of taming the Slippery Nipple, or riding the rapids down the alimentary canal!”

Lola considered her options. She could also go into town with the Caribou Woman, and try to guess how many notches Torn T. Ribbons had in his belt, at the Saturday Afternoon Matinee showing at the Blue Rooster Cafe in beautiful downtown Homer! The winner of the day’s contest would be eligible to win Torn. T’s authentic silver spurs which are an excellent complement to his other accessories, A stylish whip and matching handcuffs, something to heat up your otherwise cool Alaskan afternoon, with a bit of hot and heavy

-Sighing-  Lola just put those thoughts on the back-burner while her “significant other” looked through the other options on their 3-channel TV.


“She was a bit on the wild side, she was” the old man began. “She demanded his affection, but continued to tell him that “she didn’t hold no grudges, if it went wrong”, and it did you know. It went way wrong for the two of them. He just reached into his pocket and took out a shiny metal container, and took a long sip from it, before he continued. The played a kind of tug-of-war game with each other. He gave, and she took. She cried, and he comforted. She longed, but he, well he held back until


Lola began to stare at the old man, as he tried to tell the truth as he remembered it, but she could see that it was difficult at best.


“Well, she met him that fateful day on the bridge over “Lonely Heart’s Gulch” with the rapids roaring in the background, and her eyes aflame. He had written, a story. A tale of sorts, which she misinterpreted, but took it to be true. She lost it, just plumb lost it and went around making him and his family pay for her woes”.


Lola didn’t know who she wanted to side with? She was trying to see both sides, but knew in her heart what jealousy is for a beast, and how it can turn you inside out and back again. She wanted to be that woman, but feared what the old man would tell, with them on that bridge, high over the gorge, with just a thin strand of her sanity left between them.


“She took hold of him and said, “I curse you and yours. From this day forward, no other Canadian in their wrong mind will follow you to the ends of the earth, like I did. None of them!”

The children started to inch away from the fire, as the lines in the face of the old man grew deeper and darker.

“She tried to grab hold of me and take me with her over that bridge” he said, making the story a bit too real to listen to, but not giving them enough courage to run away.


Lola just grabbed onto me, fearing the worst, as the end of the story came.


“The darned thing was, she never apologized for what she done me. She just said, “You’ll forgive me. I just know it. You will, that’s all…

That is why Lemming Bridge over Lonely Heart’s Gulch is cursed to this day, today. And you know what? Some say that if you find yourself out alone some night, you still might hear her laughter turned to rage, in the minutes before she threw herself off that bridge with the rest of her Lemming Friends!” – taking an even bigger swig of the blackness in his bottle, while looking furtively at the faces around him…

The light of the fire was fading to black on the faces of the children, who one by one ran off into the darkness, calling for their parents to save them from “That Crazed Canadian”…..


“Golly Lola. And I always wondered why that Bridge never appealed to me, especially when I would walk along singing the Canadian National Anthem, O’Canada…

 

9 June 2018

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The Point

The interviewer cleaned his glasses a bit, then chewed on the end of his pencil, while looking wolfishly at the photo of Lola on the poor sap’s desk, then cleared his throat for another round of questions:

So what is the point of these stories of Alaska?

Asking a question like that would most certainly bring tears to the eyes of the hapless workers at the Homer Onion Peeling Plant located amazingly close to, but not directly inside of the Homer Alaska City Limits, where we all know and love their Candied Apples on a Stick, when the winds of Winter tear away at the Fabric of their lives at the local Fabric Company, located dangerously, but not immediately next to the Homer Home for the Bloggingly Insane!

“You see”, he told me, that is D.R.Path, as he gasped from another whiff of smoke from my smokeless cigarette, “that is the real point of blogging. Weaving a thread-less story, whose threads will encompass all of the aspects of a life, one like the one we are living, but not until the Fat Lady Sings” – interrupted by the lovely young woman, sitting there in the shallowness of his thoughts, hoping against hope that the rising tides of the Denali Blue Waters of the Cook Inlet wouldn’t inundate them in the end of all ends!

“You finished that paragraph, but left out my indignation at being called the Fat Lady!”

“You see here, David. If I might call you David, Mr Redpath? These stories have come from a need to express what really goes on in the real Alaska, and not the need to express what goes on in the Alaska that others call their own and their home, but what don’t have any relation to, nor family ties thereof, to the widening expanse of what this blog purports to suggest, that insanity is not alone limited to those people living on the edge of sanity, in the Homer Alaska Home for Sanity in and out of their minds at hand!”

I gave David, or Mr Redpath to his friends, time to ponder my words, while I munched on a cucumber sandwich. My love and protagonist, Ms Lola Soldotna, most recently of the Anchor Point RV-Center for Whale Watching in the Cook Inlet, but only when the deranged aspects of these stories allowed for a bit more of Alaskan color, said to him while she displayed her most obvious aspects, “Mr David, are you just seeing someone casually on the side, or would you like to join me for a cucumber sandwich, a shot of Old Red Sandstone Whiskey, and a roll in the….”

“Some might say”, said Mr R. “that the blog about the Cargo Bay Incident was the true turning point of these blogs”, said while Davey, looking through his glasses displaying those fabulous colors, and fingering the ring on his ring finger, while wondering if Lola had a sister nearby, and was she a looker as well?

“Lola, if I might be so bold as to pose you a question, one that is cloaked in innuendo and sealed with a signet ring displaying the colors of the local school, conveniently located locally at or near the town of Homer, in Alaska no less to see if you too, as answer my questions, my probing and prying, deep as the subduction zone near the Australian and Pacific Plates, as to why in the world, with all of the opportunities and pleasures of others, sitting even more dangerously close to this very lonesome Australian, why you have chosen to share your existence with this cucumber-eating, blog-writer from points unknown?”

Lola wasn’t born yesterday, anyone could see that, but not because of the thin strands of very becoming greying hair tangled among the darker intentions that some might call their destiny! She had obviously dealt with men of my caliber before, but not exactly exceeding, nor just over and under her favorite 30-30 variety, which has gone by the wayside, giving to the last few months of increasing whimsy, and lack of plausible story line!

David, or Dave to those who would want to call him their friend, but whose only purpose in life was to write endless comments to his blogs, while he watched as the number  of likes piled up, not unlike a pileup after any number of cars, exceeding the usual amount of speeding Canadians, or other French-speaking foreigners of that ilk, who to the aghastment of so many readers, those who haven’t given up reading this particular blog this side of 760 words, had wondered when those hapless neighbors to Alaska, and that was Alaska in the US of A, hadn’t yet wandered into the twisted ramblings of this otherwise deranged person, who likes to call himself, even though not many others around him would be listening or would acknowledge his claims of grandeur, to be a blogger!

But that Mr RP is a story that is still waiting to be written, somewhere along the outskirts of the Outback of the Hebel Hotel, in another reality called Australia….

The Travels of My Left Foot

“Just think of it Lola, every day a new photo of the Alaskan Skies! This is one blog that will put us on the map of, of…”

“Was Alaska the name you were looking for?” asked the somewhat confused woman who I might have met that time in Montreal, while I was working at the halfway house for Canadian Gypsies. They would wander into town, most likely thinking that their Moose Herd usually migrated through the city? One day,when one of the women said to me, “Vous avez le pied gauche d’un orignal d’Alaska” which made me say, “I’m sorry Ma’am, but I don’t speak Algonquin!”

Lola just looked at me and said, “Why would she say “You have the left foot of an Alaskan Moose?” when she knew it really was my right foot that resembled, uh, well…

“Is that why the title of this blog is about your Left Foot?”, asked by the woman who obviously had forgotten how to say that in Algonquin, and attempted to imitate how the rest of us real Alaskans would say such a thing?

“She was not speaking Algonquin, but French, you dolt!”

“Gosh Lola, if you hadn’t waylaid me off the subject at hand, then we would still be under 250 words, but as it is, I’ll have to express the point of this blog in a more succinct way.”

– Lola is seen looking doubtfully at him while he continues to babble….

“Each and every day, I’ll be posting a picture of the skies in Alaska, taken from the viewpoint of my left foot. Why my left foot might be your first question?, well…Lola, you need to shake your head in such a way that I’ll be able to describe it for our new followers, showing that not everyone will understand where I am going with this new blog!”

“It looks to me”, she said while shaking her head from side to side, “as if this new blog will be traveling down some mountain path, where no one is at the steering wheel!”

“Well, I thought”, ignoring or just not paying attention to what she just said, “that I’d start this quest in Beautiful Downtown Anchorage”, stopping for the name to gain recognition in her mind, then continuing with: “where my first photo would be of Alaska’s Tallest Building, the….no need to point at me, just because I said, Alaska, because this is related directly to Alaska! The Conoco-Phillips Building with its characteristic form and function with its 90.2 meters of Metric Glory will be seen in the background, while I, lying on the ground in front of it, will display my left foot”….stopping to point and wiggle it a bit…”with its shiny countenance in the background!”

-“and how many “followers” do you expect to draw out of their rubber rooms and hiding places?”

“Well, I expect it to go Gang Busters, especially by using the most common Social Media. It will be spreading like a disease, with its panache and bold brush strokes, with the first one being Twatter! I downloaded that App the other day to see what others were sharing with the rest of the world, and you know something Lola? There is a lot more than meets the eye with that App! I’ll show you some of what others have sent me, but I warn you, not all of them are for the weak at heart, like this one here….”

“It’s called Twitter, you Sap! Not Twatter! You need to Tweet your followers and let them Tweet you back, but…”

“Tweet. Twat. Lola. What’s the difference anyhow?”

Lola had hoped that in time she could explain the delicacies of using Social Media, but at this particular turn in his road, there was no easy way of saying…

“All right. Let’s just forget Twatter for a bit, OK?” He starting nodding, then shaking his head, and twisting his left foot until…”Well. As I was saying, The first photo was of the Conoco-Phillips building, which by the way doesn’t give many vantage points to experience the Dinosaur on the top, but don’t worry, my foot and I haven’t given up yet!”

Lola looked at her own foot with its classic Denali Blue Nail polish, and the ankle bracelet design composed of small white rabbits being chased by a Renault or a Citröen which…

“Why did you give me this ankle bracelet anyway?”, she asked him while she considered either falling in love with him again, just  like the first time, when the backdrop of the volcanoes across the blue of the Cook Inlet, while they gazed into each others eyes, and said, and said….or did she just want to smash his keyboard over his hapless head and tell him that, that….

“Gosh Lola. I gave that to you after our first Date, remember? We met each other along the Cook Inlet, with the volcanoes providing the backdrop of how we knew down deep in our hearts that we two were made for each other, then I reached over to kiss you, but a white rabbit appeared underfoot, and you yelled at it in your Algonquin Canadian Gypsy French-Way, and threatened to drive your French-made car over its foot…..”

“Don’t try to deny it, because your eyes tell the truth of the matter, now don’t they?…..

 

An Addled Fiddlehead

Join with us today dear readers for a trip into the wilds of the Alaskan forest. Today we will be searching for the Fiddlehead Fern. We’ve asked help from our local urban Hippy, Shelia Redskies, who moved to Alaska from somewhere down under, but whose lifestyle now reflects…

“I’m not sure if I’d rather change the channel to something else”, said Lola as she considered what to make food-wise for their yearly Trip and Fall Down Extravaganza celebrating the Autumn and its many redpath colors.

“Shouldn’t that have been capitalized?” asked the love of my life, but knew no matter what amount of Good Grammar, Redpath would never escape those wavy red lines and upturned noses!

“Gosh Lola. Just tripping and falling in our local forest together with you is something that most men would leave their wives for, so why don’t we capitalize on that aspect for our faithful radio followers?”

Barney the Vision Moose just looked down on those addled fiddleheads and wondered where Shelia had gotten to? He had a funny feeling, what with his left front fetlock itching every time she’d come to visit him from Australia. What could she be up to this time? He wondered aloud, but suddenly…

The Fiddlehead Fern can be found in any number of variations, but the Alaska subspecies, The addled fiddlehead”is perhaps the most tasty of them all. I happened upon them in the wilds of the Kenai Peninsula, while I, having lost my glasses, was found by a local man, who was trying out the effectiveness of his Moose Whistle!

“Hey Lola. What if that Gal had purchased one of our Moose Whistles? Then she could give us free advertising sending our sales through the roof, then- ”

“We never did that blog, you know? We trashed it and someone put it out calling it “The Creative Process” or some other kind of balderdash! Just something to get a few likes at our expense instead of tossing it into the dust bin along with your other failures!”

He was a curious fellow, and continued to call me, “Lola” even though that was not my name. He did though give me a ride in his “Caribou Cart” back to civilization, with us giving each other a “Friendly” Moose Hug when we finally parted. My bag filled with Fiddleheads, and my heart filled with

“Wait just a minute there Mister!” said by someone who no longer resembled the Love of my Live, but rather a snake about to go for the throat, mine that is!

“Were you, or were you not the one this obvious Urban Hippy Tart was talking about? I’ve known my share of men, but only one of them used the expression, “Gosh Lola!”

“Gosh Lola, who might that have been?” asked while wondering if those Fiddleheads were better fried, or breaded and –

“It is you, you Dolt! Just when were you out in the Forest with Ms Touchy Feely, without the one who shares the warmth and comfort of your nighttime bedroom arrangements?”

“Gosh Lola. So many questions at one time. Let’s see. Was I in the Forest? Who is Ms Touchy Feely, and finally, who was in my bedroom at night? Were there any others that I missed, or….”

Barney could see that it was time to intervene, before Lola did something drastic….again! He was just about to appear in his calm but floating cloud, when Shelia appeared suddenly!

“Barney My Love, What’s shaking?” Shelia was holding her glasses in the one fetlock, trying to polish them, while holding a bouquet of Fiddleheads in the other. “We’ve really got to try these Ferns tonight for dinner, they are great! She wondered though if they were better fried, or breaded perhaps and -”

“Honestly Lola. Shelia was one of those Vision Moose, you know? Just like Barney, and she said, “I’ve come here to- ”

“Don’t try to butter me up with those Vision Creatures again. You’ve been out in the forest without your Lola, trying to score some Gal named Shelia, who-”

“Honestly Lola. I really  thought I was you, who I saw, but when I discovered it was a lady in distress, then I did what you always told me to do, “Respect others and help out when needed” – Isn’t that what you’ve told me to do, time and again?”

“Good One!” yelled Barney as he looked through his Vision Viewfinder, before turning towards Shelia saying, “You really should watch your step down there with our clients, you know? One false step and we’ll be called on the carpet before the bosses and-”

“Oh Barney”, said Shelia. “I was just bored you know and suddenly there I was, posing as some sort of Urban Hippy, wowing the likes of those Anchoragiddians, or whatever they call themselves, with stories that wouldn’t fool a 10-year old Canadian if I am any judge of character or-”

“Hey Lola. Try some of these Fiddleheads and tell me if they would be better fried, or perhaps breaded so that-”

And that was just one of the many pleasures and treasures of gathering food in the wilds of Alaska. We’ll be back next time when our allotted time doesn’t exceed the 800-word mark with more fascinating stories about life and love in…..Alaska…..

 

The Hybrid Moose

“There I was, lying unclothed on a slab of rock, while the sky glowed red, and the air felt like…”

“Are we in another David Redpath moment?” asked Lola while she perused brochures to the Hebel Hotel in…

“No. No not this time. It was a Vision Moose, Tristan, I believe he said his name was, that appeared and said, “From this day onward, you will think Hybrid Moose!” Well, you know me Lola. I don’t fall for just any Vision, especially when it usually is Barney doing his tricks, but he has been hiding out from Shelia, you remember Shelia, don’t you?” Lola shaking her head – No, but knew it didn’t matter anyway. “Sheila was his Girl Friend from Australia! Well not exactly a girlfriend, but a Girl + Friend, you know?” but not waiting for a reply from Lola who had a Petrified Forest look about her, then…

“Don’t you think the climate at the Hebel Hotel will do wonders for Mosquito Burn?” asked Lola, whose skin just wasn’t healing after the last time she was in the Caribou Cart, and it got away down that hill, and…..

“Lola. I’ve told you before. Mosquito Burn is easily remedied by taking a fisherman’s boot and filling it with Moose Poop, then swinging it around your head, 10 times until…”

“Did you see that in a Vision as well?” asked Lola, while she read that untreated Mosquito Burn was a major cause of seeing Red Skies and getting visions from Vision Moose that lived in Australia. He had spoken to David Redpath and told him that….

“But that is neither here nor there”, she thought, because once he gets an idea in his head, then there is no turning back to what others might call, “sanity”.

“Anyway”, Tristan said, “you will be able to travel better, faster and cheaper if you follow my instructions to the letter! So I did, and Viola”

“What do you think Lola?”

Lola looked at well, it looked a bit like a Moose, but not really.

“This is a Hybrid Moose! It is cleverly disguised as a Moose, but inside” – taking the side off the “Moose” revealing…”It’s a bicycle” said Lola. “A bicycle inside an almost Moose…”

“Well, almost. You see, this is actually a mechanized Moose that can attain 35 miles and hour – just like any other Moose – but without having to fill it up with gasoline! You see right here is a fermentation tank, and if you turn this spigot….OK. If you turn this tiny little faucet like this”….”My Lord what a stench!” said Lola, while she backed away a bit.

“You see Lola. This is filled with fermenting Moose Poop, but when it ready, then the smell tells the rest of the story! You just press this button, when your nose says, PU, then we are off and running.” A slow rumble was heard, not unlike a tremor when Mt Redoubt Stratovolcano wants to remind us that it still there across the Cook Inlet, but then..

“Come on Lola. Hop aboard!” Lola found a seat of sorts behind him and he “drove”the Moose onto the highway. He looked around for other “Moose” but didn’t see any other “Friends” along the road. They moved along picking up speed to around 35 miles an hour, but started slowing again. “Put your feet down Lola and start pedaling, which he demonstrated while…”

“-But how are we going to maintain enough speed by pedaling?” asked the woman behind me, who thought her fetlocks were just about to fall off, when the pushed another button and they took off again! “You see Lola. We just needed to charge the battery again, while the fermentation process was cooking up steam! Can’t you just see us, tooling down the highway, along with the other Moose, without having to poison the environment with our…wait a minute, I’m turning the spigot…now! Yep! Can you smell it Lola? It’s ready now for…Lola, why have you fainted Dear?”

When Lola awoke, she was lying in bed, still a bit groggy, but wasn’t it just a goofy dream anyway? She just couldn’t remember what she had been doing before, before…Wait a minute. Where is Goofy Number One?

She considered getting out of bed, but just then a cloudy atmosphere appeared in the room and a Moose appeared! “Howdy Lola”, said the Moose, admiring her Moose-Like Skin and alabaster twig-like complexion. “Before you go outside and ruin the man’s dreams, just remember, he will do anything for you, just anything. If it was his idea to make a Hybrid Moose, then don’t be to hard on him, won’t you? Everyone has dreams, don’t they? Even if they don’t all come true….said while disappearing in a cloud, still mumbling, “What a Babe…..”

Lola went outside where the love of her life was looking at the remains of his “Hybrid Moose”. “Gosh Lola, I hope you are feeling better? I’d hate to be the cause of you feeling under the Twigs, just because I had a crazy idea…”

“Well”, said Lola, knowing how the truth, was still the truth regardless of her saying it or not, so… Yours was just an idea a bit ahead of its time, that’s all. Who knows? Someday a hybrid vehicle might just be the thing, and it had its humble beginnings here on the Kenai Peninsula……in Alaska, that is.”

“-But I love you just the way you are, crazy ideas and all!” said while giving him a Big Moose Hug, and tasting his twigs, like she knew he liked her to do, or whatever they call that kind of things these days?…..

An Attack of the Vapors

There they were, on the slopes of that active volcano, when the vapors attacked! Slowly but Shirley, they overcame our hapless hero, vaguely reminiscent of Went Kayne, but Wait! who do we see entering from stage left? Why, it’s the….

“Aren’t we just out on a lark today, you and I while suddenly an attack of the Goofies hit us, scattering our senses about and……You see. That makes as much sense as your opening statement!”

“Gosh Lola. I was only paying homage to our friend and confidant, Ms Caribou Crossings. She’s out Planet Hopping and is on the Sci-Fi bandwagon now. If she can write the kind of stuff that makes babies cry, when they are hungry, why can’t we?”

Lola chewed on the Hay straw in her mouth as she looked up into the Iowa Skies! “Do you think the rain is coming, or is there something else hanging in the air tonight?”

He just shuffled through his papers looking for a Georgia Cotton Field, An Iowa Cornfield, or an active volcano along the Pacific Plate/Australian Plate Subduction Zone.

“Do you remember?”, she said with a sense of sullenness that eclipsed my mooning intentions, “Do you remember the last storm when we closed the shudders before the winds tore them from our hands!”

-“Look here you. They are not Shudders, but Shutters! I shudder to think how many other errors you’ve written so far in this farce of a blog!”

Lola Farce was used to stormy weather. Once when she was very young as a child, her mother said, “Now you run along and play on that Volcano, Dear, and I’ll be watching you from the unshuddered windows. Out you ran light as a Daisy and…

“Daisies are not light, but Fresh”, she said as she gazed up in Awe at the looming Volcano. Often would she frolic upon its slopes, while her mother was baking Daisy Cakes in the steaming vent that we called our home, when suddenly, and I mean very suddenly a largish saucer hovered over your head, and out if it came…..

“You, are confusing me with who is saying what and why”, said the woman who didn’t know if she was going or coming, or even if the reverse were true?

They were Caribou from Planet X-9 and had come to that Georgia Cornfield to raise Havoc above its usual levels, just a teense below Mayhem, when she stifled a scream down deep in her lungs and said,” Mom. There is a foul wind a blowing up on this Volcano!”

Her mother ran across the Australian Steppes, having gathered her wits about her, and said,”Child have they come for your Subduction Zone?” with Horror in her eyes, and a bated breath that told of an Iowa Cornfield in the youth of her younger days. He was a farm hand from Alaska, whose only wish depended on that Turkey Wishbone that they had shared together on the fading daze of that last Summer, she had called her own. It is mine I told her, but knowing how stubborn she was, we had to arm-wrestle each other while the cotton balls were flying, and….

“I am just sitting here, next to you, she said, with an armful of commas, and other grammatical items, but I’m afraid this story is equaling the David Redpath Cargo Blog, if you catch my drift?”

The vapors hadn’t attacked before now, but he was feeling a bit queasy, as they drifted closer, with him just lost in the Vision Smokes of that Erupting Volcano! She brushed the hair out of his eyes and said,”If it really is the end of life as we’ve known it, then kiss me one more time you fool, before the….

“Gosh Lola. All of these words and not one Moose in sight! Didn’t you tell me recently, to do a “Moose Recover” and drop my ramblings about Healy?” There! Now he’d said it! If the men from Healy couldn’t counter this new threat from Outer Space, then who could? They mounted their Moose and approached the…”

“But”, he said, interrupting himself, “if they are in Alaska, then how does the Cornfield and the Cotton Field figure into the story at hand?”

“Come on Lola. Stop sitting there, filing the last of that Denali Blue from your nails and help a guy out, won’t you?”

He had pleaded with her before, but when the Vapors had just about overcome him, she could see that this time was different. This time was the time that they would remember as that time, they stood on the shores of that volcano, and looked each other deeply into to Yawning Cracks and said, “Ladies First Baby! Now let’s send those Caribou back to the planet they came from, or at least look like we are dying in the attempt!

Lola just Shuttered at the thought of him writing an ending that brought the blog full-circle at the end of all ends, at the very end of the story, when Lance Handsome saved the day and got the girl in the end. “That was the end Lola,

if you didn’t see that one coming…..”

 

With Her Finely Sculpted Form, and

Then my old Dad said, “Isn’t this way better than hiding under your covers with Volcano Monthly, ogling Miss Fiery Intentions of August?”

I just looked down and kicked the pumice under my feet, as we climbed higher along the slopes of Mt Redoubt Volcano. “I guess so Dad, but the volcano centerfold this month is different than last month, and I could see…”

“My boy, my boy, said my Dad. The sculpting is more or less the same, but the hot magma deep down insider her, just waiting to come to the surface, burning your little heart to a crisp, is something entirely different, isn’t it?”

My mom would have sighed a bit, and bit her lip, kind of like you do Lola, when I mention…

“But why, tell me why” asked Lola, “are we hearing about your Family again? If only your father was like Ozzie Nelson, selling insurance and…”

-“but wasn’t that on Father Knows Best?” I asked, still wondering what pleasures Miss September would be showing us, perhaps how her terminal moraine was…

My father just broke into my thoughts and said, “Remember how we used to sail those toy boats on Lake Tustumena, and after they sailed out a bit….

-“but Dad. Why do lakes in Alaska have such funny names?” I asked.

“Because they all mean something”, he said as he watched the boats disappear under the surface! “Tustumena for example, means “Touch me there Mister and my father will take out his 30-30 Winchester and shoot off your worst intentions.

– and you know something Lola? I’ve looked for that definition for years, since that day, but they never quite equal, what my Old Man was telling me!”

Lola just sighed and bit her lip, while…

We climbed a bit higher stopping on the shoulder blade area, prompting my father to say, “You see now how far we’ve come without her pushing you away and calling for the police in Homer…..Alaska to come and save her day!”

I really learned a lot about Alaska when I was together with my Dad. He taught me how to say, Alaska after each and every city and town name, regardless of them, well actually being in Alaska! Sometimes, he’d even tell me about his first girlfriend, before he met my mom. She was a looker, with a deep-cooker, he used to say, while I imagined how many times a week, he’d be eating her french fries and….

“Look you. Don’t you think you father was speaking in metaphors? Well. You are both shaking and nodding your head, but the fact of the matter is, he was!”

Suddenly their was a rumble underneath us. “Easy does it Honey. I told you I’d be gentle with you, didn’t I?” said my father while I was wondering if the seething magma beneath our feet was buying his words, or had she heard that kind of thing before?

I just sat there on a pile of Andesite, while my father kept insisting it was Dacite. He pulled a rock hammer out of his backpack and started whaling away at everything around us! “Dad, Dad I cried, don’t disturb the Volcano Goddess with your actions!”, but he insisted that no son of his should have to take a break on an obviously indoctrinated pile of Andesite, which was hiding her true intentions disguised as Dacite!

Year’s later my mother used to accuse him of infidelity running around with Miss Andesite, because he never was satisfied with her Dacite, which…..

“-And your family was normal, is that what you are telling me?” asked Lola as she fingered my rock hammer, wondering what stories it could tell her when…

“Lola. I’m telling you, we were as normal as the next family of two Geologists in the town of Healy…

Alaska

as the next family down the street!”

“Well, as we neared the top of Mt Redoubt, Dad started to babble about all those igneous plutonic rocks that he had known before my mom, telling me how finely sculptured their lateral moraines were, when he first used his rock hammer, making them exclaim ”

-but then the mountain rumbled again, prompting him to say, I’ll tell you about that another time Son, but he never really had a chance again, what with my mom always baking Andesite Cookies and the like, which was just to remind him of who baked his cookies, and who only tempted him with her aphanitic textured exterior!”

…..”like I said. Just a normal, everyday family in Healy

….Alaska!”

Just Another Earth Revolution

“OK Howie, if you take this banner over to the other side then…but watch out for the…OK, we really didn’t need that overhead light anyway! We do need to be on the quiet side, so your Mom doesn’t suspect anything, but if we put up this large sheet and….yes you can cut out two eyelets when we are done, then we can play, “Moose Ghost and the Canadian Lemmings!”

Way back when in the Old Country when Yuri the Moose Tamer from the right side of the Ural Mountains was just a young man growing up, seen here picking Moose Flowers for his Mother’s table, we see him entering on Stage Left, and saying to his Mother, “Gosh Mama. I have a funny feeling today, as if those foreign Lemmings have again returned to make our lives miserable and such!”

His mother, a motherly type only sighed and said, “If your Father had been here, he might have said, “Cross your heart and hope to end up in Montreal, but only if you believe in those kinds of things!”

“But Mother”, asked Yuri as he looked to the East, where the sky darkened, as if hoards of Canadian Lemmings were making their way towards his home and…

Howie started getting antsy wondering when the Moose Ghost was going to appear and do The Dance of the Stomping Lemmings?

Yuri went outside again, wondering what his father’s wise words really meant, when a vision appeared to him. “Yuri” a voice said. “You must watch out when the moon again is full, because it is when the Moose Ghost will appear! Listen to its words of wisdom and do exactly as it say, or else doom and woe will befall your family!” and with that the vision disappeared into the mists of the Kenai, while…

Lola is seen entering stage right. “What have you boys been up to today?” asking while stepping gingerly around the smashed lamp and trying not to notice the largish white sheet draped against the kitchen wall, with two conspicuously cut eyelets, just about Moose High!

Yuri asked himself, if the vision included this wondrous woman who had immediately captured his head and his heart? He wondered if he carried her off to his Yurt, would she then make passionate love to him until the white rabbits carried off her underwear in the early morning light?

Lola seemed a bit taken aback by the thoughts of this young man, but she could imagine herself, a young maiden versed in the pleasures of her youth, wanting and waiting for some man to pleasure her as she deserved!

“Whotilly who” said a lonesome sound outside his Yurt, when the moon again was full. “Who said that?” asked the Forest Maiden, drawing her nighty closer to her neck, as Yuri prepared, The Moose Dance of Young Lovers. A darkened shape appeared outside his Yurt motioning him over to the opening. It seemed to whisper something in his ear, then vanished once again with the sound of stomping and thrashing through the underbrush!

Howie just moved closer to his Mother as the sounds seemed to reverberate through the air, as if, as if

“Don’t you worry now Howie. It’s just a story you know? If there really was a Moose Ghost around here, then we wouldn’t be troubled by those Canadian White Rabbits, now would we?”

Lola enters again, Stage left holding a bouquet of Moose Flowers giving to her by her lover, who has vanished in the course of the night! “Oh woe is me” said Lola, as she looked up to the heavens wondering if at the next full moon, her lover would return for another night of passionate Moose-Loving, or was he just destined to ride the Moose Ghost for the rest of eternity, until one day, he would be freed to, to…

Just then a hoard of white rabbits entered Stage Right, followed by a shadowy figure resembling….

Howie just shrieked!, then hid his Antlers, giving the apparition just a Moose Peek, before it disappeared once again into the mists of what was…..

When the lights came on again, the popcorn was now residing on the floor of the the theater, with Howie enjoying the credits at the end of the production. “Gosh Lola, what did you think about your Birthday Present?”

Lola just sat there wondering about Yuri and his Yurt and how he, well he, but that will have to wait for another time, won’t it?

When they got home again, the boys hurried on ahead of her, with Howie stopping her at the door to the house. She had to hold her hands in front of her eyes, as they led her into the kitchen and its big white sheet…

Happy Yurt Day Lola“, said a sign behind the sheet, with arrows pointing to the backyard where a Yurtish-like structure was dimly lit, with a warmth radiating from it as if to say, “Welcome Home!

Just as they had settled in, and were getting ready for a night of untold pleasures, a whitish apparition appeared in the doorway, looking at them through its two eyelets, saying,”Whotilly who!” then disappearing into the night……

“Gosh Lola, do you think that was a real Moose Ghost, or what?”

Lola replied, “Just dim those lights Yuri, and we’ll take our chances…….

 

 

 

Gimme an H for…

“Gloriosky Lola, I betcha didn’t think this day would ever come, did ya?”

Seems like a lot of slang being slung around here, thought Lola, but didn’t want to rock the boat, before they at least attempted to leave the driveway for…

“I’ve told Howie how this game comes every year, and how we couldn’t wait to see Healy wipe the sorry behinds of Homer in the yearly game of..”

Howie had the flag his father had bought for him hanging across his Antlers.

“H for…”

“But how are they going to know that we are rooting for Healy, when Homer also begins with “H” ? asked Lola as she wondered how the 3 of them were going to fit into the Caribou Cart along with Howie’s friend, Mooselina?

“Lola. Anyone looking at us will be able to tell that we are different than those Homerites any day! We stand out in a crowd, and don’t let anyone into our inner square with its 360 degree circumference!”

Lola’s mouth opened then shut again, without uttering a word. Easy Girl. It’s only a game. Just one night out with the boys and, and….

“I’m afraid, we’ll have to use the Willies” he said as if he read her mind, just not the last part, but 3 paragraphs up and counting. “I’ll just check to see if the Hamsters are ready to go…”

Lola’s mouth opened again, but this time she managed to say, “The Willies does not run on Hamsters!”

Too late to worry about getting a replay, as he went into the garage and opened the hood. “They call it a Bonnet in England” you know?, but wasn’t sure if  David Redpath would, or wouldn’t? Only his hair dresser knew for sure…

“Yep. I see the problem right here. We’ve run out of Hamster Food, and they are looking as if Striking is on their minds!” Howie just looked where he pointed, and wondered if Mooselina had any Hamster Food?

“We can try to drive this old gal, but I hate breaking down on Highway 1, what with all of those speedy Canadians that only want to make our lives miserable!”

Lola had been down this road before. She calmly climbed into the driver’s seat, and revved up the Willies, and pulled it out of the garage, waiting for the others to get in.

“Gosh Lola. Now I know why we love each other so much. It just goes to show you why we chose to be together that first time we met when you were working as a grease monkey and I was….”

“Do you really think this is the time, or the place to start off on that story again? We’ve met each other 1000 times before, or didn’t meet, or were on the way to, but this and that happened, but does the story ever really make sense? No!” said by the woman who would someday deny that we ever met each other, while we lie in each other’s arms and…..

“Well, I pulled into that filling station in Homer, which is located somewhere on Kenai Peninsula in this area. We never had seen each other before, but I had always admired you from afar. My mother said that you were too good for the likes of me, but I told her straight out, “Mom. That woman, who, I’ve never met, nor thought about before, is going to be my faithful Flag Carrier someday when Healy meets Homer in a fight to the death in the Colosseum in a nearby town, whose name escapes me at the moment. The ruling man, or woman as the case might be, will give a thumb’s up for the man or woman who will win in the end, with the loser being thrown to the Lion’s Club and made to be present at next year’s flea market! She just cried and said, “And I always wanted Grandchildren” but my reply was, “Well, Mom. Since her and I never really met, then you shouldn’t expect too much in that area, especially if when we do meet, then I expect, she’ll just be using me for sex!”

“Did you really say that to your mother?” asked Lola as the Willies raced down the road towards Mooselina’s House. Her father just stood on the front porch with a look on his face that said, “Keep your fetlocks to yourself” but we assured him, that we would keep an eye or three on them, making sure that….

-but as I said that, Howie had already begun to nibble on Mooselina’s twigs, or whatever they call that kind of thing, in wherever we were at the moment, on the way to somewhere else!

Lola just looked at me and said, “I’m sure glad we met each other way back when the Hamsters ran out of steam in my Willies, and you were just standing there along the side of the road, holding a bag of Hamster Food in your hand. I’ve asked myself at least 1000 times since then, How in the world did you happen to have Hamster Food way out in the middle of nowhere, along Highway one, somewhere nearby, or at least in the same area, where I was driving?”

“That Lola”, said by the man with the Healy Flag, and its “H” signifying his allegiance, “is the stuff that dreams are made of…..”

When the Vision Twig Fairy Came to Call

“Well, then my old dad said in his gruff voice, No boy of mine is going to Healy U. when the rest of us went to…

“You know”, said Lola slowly. “I’d prefer if you’d start telling stories about the Moose again, just to stop making me crazy, wanting to pull out  my 30-30 Winchester and..”

“All right Dude” said Tristan to Morris. “High 5 Points! and with that said they butted Antlers, with Tristan saying, “I knew that sooner or later Lola would come back to her senses, and welcome us back!”  Yeah” said Barney. “Her friend can drive any well-adjusted Moose crazy with those stories!”

“Hey Man. You seem troubled about something” said Tristan with a concerned look on his face. “What’s up?”

Barney answered slowly, “Shelia is due in tomorrow on Cloud 9, at 9am from Australia!”

“Wow Dude. What a Bummer! Two Nines can’t be a coincidence, especially if you are a Vision Moose! Hey, why don’t we go Moosing together tonight, before she comes tomorrow? We always used to get lucky in the Vision Forest outside of Homer, and….what are you laughing about?”

Barney just looked at him and said, “When you said Homer, I was expecting you to say….With the two Moose saying in unison, “Homer Alaska!” and laughing until they thought the trees would break.

“Yeah” said Tristan. “He really knows how to get her Moose, doesn’t he?”

Lola just looked at him and said, “I know I’ll regret asking you this, but didn’t your parents ever do things like the rest of us normal Alaskans grew up with?” Then covering her head as if the sky was going to fall!

“Well, of course we did.” Said as if to show his indigence at her ignorance. “Why when I was young, Mom said, “Now now my young fellow. If you put that broken twig under your pillow tonight, a fresh new one will be there tomorrow morning after…”

“You mean a tooth of course?” asked Lola, as if I didn’t know a twig from a tooth.

“No. A twig. When the Vision Twig Fairy came to call, I was ready with my little eyes closed, but clutching my Moose Light in the hope of catching him/her red-fetlocked in the act! There I was that one fateful night when…”

“You are talking as if you are a Moose, or something? and…”

“Whoa Dude! That Lola wasn’t born yesterday, was she?” said Tristan, while Barney just nodded and wondered if the old body was up to a night in the Forest with the ladies?

“Gosh Lola, when you shake your Antlers like that it was almost like the first time we met one another in that Forest near Homer…..Alaska. You rubbed your…”

“We are not Moose! Got that?” said as she wondered how the latest nail color, Moose Denali Blue would look on her fetlocks, making her just sigh, when she thought about how he would make her Antlers shake, almost like the time that…”

“Here’s to a night on the Town!” said the Two Vision Moose toasting each other with a cold Moose Juice, as they saw how Lola and her Mate were getting on.

“Yep” said Barney. “She is one of a kind Moose Gal, isn’t she?”….