I’ve just about completed my Internet Course: “Title Correctly, or She Won’t say, Yes. Oh Yes. Now. I want it now. Oh Yes!”
“Just where did that title stop and your obsession with sex begin?” Lola asked, but knew he would answer anyway.
“Lola, don’t get me wrong, but it was you who wanted me to clean up my Titles, didn’t you? Listen to this one here:
She wanted ham, in every room, in every way, and wouldn’t stop until she got ham!
“Now you’ve gotten a few too many typos for my liking”, said Lola while she peered over his shoulder, keeping an eye on the photo of the Caribou Woman looking back at her, before he interrupted her thoughts with
“but the guy works as a cook, with Pulled-Pork as his specialty! She was insatiable for ham, and he was the guy to provide for her needs! If he couldn’t do it, who could? I’m telling you Lola, this title-thing is the best that’s ever happened to me, that is after I met you and all. Just think if I had aced the course before we met each other? Then I could have used my best titles to get you in the sack, or whatever they call that kind of thing today?”
“As if it were your abilities that “got me in the sack?” when it happened at the Summer Fair in Homer. You were there with your “Antler Buddies” ogling the women, and wondering who would be the first one to “get lucky”! I was there sitting on the sidelines, watching you while licking the biggest, and reddest lollipop this side of the State Fair in Palmer, when you came up to me and asked me,
“Pardon me Ma’am. I’ve been watching you lick that thing for an hour now. It has staying power and is worthy of lasting the night! Where did you buy it, so I can get my own and ask someone if she would lick it in the same way?”
“I just turned towards you and said,”If you arm-wrestle with me, I’ll tell you where you can put it, and even help you do so!”
Then you said
“Uh Lola. That is not how we met each other. You must have some sort of repressed memory of the first man who crossed your path, just before putting him in his place, or something?”Not wanting to know exactly where that story came from, or
“You were the one doing the ogling, as I recall and said to me, “Close Make the Man” which I interpreted as, “Come closer you big hunk of a man, and show me your
“Big hunk of a man? Have you slipped on one of your titles and hurt yourself in a soft place…..like your head?”
Lola just waited for him to start writing again. It had better be something worth reading, or they would end up at the Emergency Room in Homer again with “use of Keyboard in a non-specified way as alluded to in the Instruction Manual!”
“I’ve always wanted to meet that guy, and ask him how he
“What are you babbling about this time?” asked Lola as she started fingering the keyboard for maximum grip and
“Him, Manual. The fellow that writes all of those instructions for proper usage of whatever! He might have been the one who wrote the first book that helped us through our first crisis, “Manual’s Guide to Loving Her the Right Way, before she hits you the Wrong Way and
“His name is not Manual! That is the name of….oh never mind. And we did not have the crisis in question!”
“but Lola. He used to live up in Healy, and you know about Healy-ites, don’t you? Living in the shadow of that largish sort of mountain makes you wise beyond belief, but sometimes, his wisdom makes it down to the ordinary people, and it becomes part of what the rest of us call “Common Knowledge”. If he hadn’t written, “Follow the pictures to the letter and you will gain success in the completion of, of
-but then the last page was missing, and while I was looking for it, you happened by my diner, and I had the Pulled-Pork necessary to satisfy your needs, showing me that
“Please don’t say, “we were made for each other”, said Lola as his fingers were just about ready to finish the retelling and put the finishing touches on the blog at hand,
“Of course not! I wouldn’t be so corny to say something like that, but if I had possessed that last page, then Manual might have said, “Don’t pull the pork, but leave it whole”, which would have made our situation something entirely different, with us not being together today!”
and that is one of those stories that only the poets can explain…….