While Sitting on Pencils and Nettles

“Caller number 2, what is your response to today’s Alaskan Favorite Idiom, “You can catch your fish, and eat them too?”

Lola wondered watt had happened to Caller number 1, or was that neither here nor there as whimsy tends to go?

“Listen here fellow. I wood go along with your premise of that Idiom being a true Alaskan, but to the Misses and me, it rather reeks of something that a northerner wood have said, you know, someone who was half-foreigner in a Kenai-Speak kind of way!”

Lola was perched between giving Caller number 2, and Caller number 1 if he had existed, a piece of her morning mind, but she wasn’t certain that her morning rant should be wasted on such trivialities, so early in the morning?

“I’ve held Caller number 1 on hold, just to peek the interest of those listeners, who feel as if we should run this Podcast in numerical order, but I can assure you that he is as Alaskan, as the Antarctican Winter is long!”

“All right. Who is Caller number 1, and don’t tell me that this particular Podcast doesn’t reek of your favorite non-subject, one that wood have me having to answer something about flightless-birds with fin-like appendages, or do you have a different ice floe to bargain with me?” ranted Lola, while her mate considered the implications of what she just had said, and was he really listening at all?

“Gosh Lola. I’d have thought that you of all people wood see the genius in allowing Caller number 1 to wait in the water wings, as it were, while the rest of our faithless group of listeners, were sitting on pencils and nettles, while

“You mean, “pins and needles” don’t you?” asked Lola, while wondering why she should highlight that particular piece of whimsy, while the rest of her life was filled with things much greater in a lesser degree?

“Caller number 3, watt do you have to add to today’s malarkey, or should we just go onto caller number 4 instead?”

“Uh huh. Yes, I see your point!” he said, while Lola leaned over to turn up the volume, before saying “So, is Caller number 4 someone who is practicing lip-reading in his spare time, or have I lost one of my most important senses, which by the way didn’t include my sense of ability!” ranted Lola, as he said

“Pretty tricky of you My Sweet, using that double-worded singularity in your last ranted paragraph, but the answer is no, he isn’t using lip-reading, witch might be construed as difficult, in an easy way of thinking, seeing as how we, in the Podcast way of thinking, deal with voices in the active zone of listening, and knot those which will remain unsaid, for as long as the battery life of your hearing aid lasts!”

-then pressing a button that was labelled Caller Number 1, he said “Now that we’ve lit a fire under the other Callers, and their rapidly-disappearing ice-floes, witch might even include the Moose Skin Woman, and for those of you out there wondering if the Moose-Skin Zipper is on the way up or down, we’ll be getting an update on that phenomen, or however true Kenaians want to spell that word, and others of that nature!”

-holding her hand over the microphone saying “If you are finished confusing the issue, then perhaps we’ll be hearing from Caller number one, just before I pummel you like you knead to be pummeled!”

“Listen here fellow. Some people might want to know why I go to work to earn my hard-earned pay, but before I can do so, I have to wait for my turn in the crazy-quilted numerical way of taking callers, but other than that, why didn’t you let us hear what the Moose Skin Woman wood have ranted today, or was that of a personal and private nature, witch the youngins weren’t allowed to hear so early in the Alaskan morning?”

-“Just a moment, Caller number 1, while I take your “rant” and divide it up into rational, and numerically numbered questions, as the Moose Skin Woman says…..she says…..”Gosh Lola. I can’t keep our Listeners waiting all day, while you just stand there, calmly loading your 30/30 Winchester, as if something needed to be shot, and shot good?”

“Ahem” said Lola into the microphone “I’d like to see a display of lights on our Podcast Switchboard, before I take this rather longish firearm, which some people seem to have trouble in remembering its name, and use it to put at least one of the many buttons before me, out of its misery!”

“Look here Missy. We here on the Kenai Peninsula will be saluting your efforts to change wrong into wright, but only if we hear about that Moose Skin Zipper before you blast Our Hero to kingdom come!”

Lola put down her longish firearm with the as yet, non-name attached to it, before saying “Look here you. I also knead to spend at least some of my quality time today with gainful employment, but that will have to wait until I’ve finished with yet another rant, witch is designed to put yahoos and malcontents like yourself and your “misses” while-

-Her mate just sighed a bit, as the non-digital blog meter ticked off the seconds, quietly in a rather loudish way in the background, while some of the rest of us, left the blog, still in progress in order to ascertain our own degree of gainful employment!

“Did I say, you could leaf the blog running?” demanded Lola, as she pointed that longish firearm in my direction “What kind of reckless yahoo is sitting at the keyboard, anyway……?”

The Getaway Ice Floe Travel Agency

“Hmm Lola. I guess, it soon will be time to take a vacation away from it all, and if you are game, then we can travel together?”

“Why wood you start off by saying “hmm” when I know that there is a “Gosh Lola” still teetering on the edge of your lips, waiting to make its entry towards my way of hearing, Stage Wright?”

“Well, I-

“and watt do you mean, if I am game? Why shouldn’t we be traveling together, unless you have made other plans with well, let’s say that last girl, you new, the one who left you at the Altar in Kenai, and that wood be Kenai Big, if anyone was still listening?” ranted Lola, as her mate replied with

“You see there. That’s the kind of easy going, devil may care mate that I am, who doesn’t object to you mentioning that girl, who leafed me at the church in Kenai Big, even though we just had started going steady and the like!”

Ever wanted to get away from it all? Why we here at the Getaway Ice Floe Travel Agency of Upper Soldotna know just the wright kind vacation for you and yours! Let’s say, after being leafed at the Altar, you feel as if you needed a change of venue, something that involved the Girl Next Door and her penchant for longish firearms, the name of which, escapes me a the moment?

“Gosh Dr Stone. I was wondering if you were going on vacation this year?” asked Dave, or somebody like him, as Dr Stone peered out of the Moosenition Blinds before saying “Why in the world wood I knead to travel anywhere else, seeing as how this is the navel of the world, and then some?”

Dave or somebody like him replied with “We could paint the office orange, you know, a kind of navel orange color if you want?”

Our consultant, a known Local Guide of the Non-Flightless Variety, has been aiding and abetting our company, pointing out the many and varied possibilities concerned with floating ice surfaces, along with the danger of contracting ice-floe burn, while lolling around on that largish white surface, with numerous reflective possibilities!

“You know, Lola. We could take a trip up to Healy, and yes that wood be Healy Alaska, and not Healy Pass in the Canadian Rockies, but let’s knot wander off the subject like we usually do, OK?”

Some of you have written in asking about our Ice Floes, with questions such as “Are there guardrails along the side, or will my current husband, soon to be my ex, accidentally fall into the brink, after drowning one too many Moostinis, then getting himself blind sided by the intense Alaskan Sun?”

“Did he just say, Intense Alaskan Sun?” asked Dave, or somebody like him, with Dr Stone replying”

“As if I wood consider “Getting away from it all” being a trip to one of the aforementioned Healy’s?” said Lola, as she wound herself up for a new rant, while she tested the spring capabilities while wondering if there was enough wind in the wound of things?

“Well, we could visit the Tropical Zoo, you know the won with Trixie the Tipsy Toucan? That is always a crowd-pleaser as the visitors place bets as to how many Moosetinis the bird can drink, before he upends himself!”

“Drunken Tropical Birds living dangerously close to the Arctic Circle being preferred to wading around in the tropical waters of Southern Alaska, while watching yet another detached ice floe float on past, filled with drunken yahoos and their mates?” ranted Lola, on or about her third rant, while Dr Stone finally got a word in ice-floe wise to say

“It might be nice to get away from the hustle and bustle of Kenai Big! Outside in that largish state of mind called Alaska, where any number of flightless birds will be wallowing along the coastline, after having had parked their ice floe at the docks of Kenai Beach and….” stopping his touching speech before adding “Gosh Dave, or somebody like him, Now I’ve gotten seasick for the white, white abandoned ice-floes of my home town!”

“Gosh Lola. It gives me Moose Bumps just thinking about it. Mom and Dad using their quality time putting up shelves in the spare bedroom, while I sat outside wondering when Dad, or father as he might have been called, wood be revving up the old Chesterfield, as I clutched my stuffed penguin in anticipation of seeing Trixie and his other Tropical Pals at the Zoo!!”

Lola opened her mouth for a new rant, or an extended version rant, as he continued with “Then Mom wood come outside with her cheeks all flushed and all saying “We kneaded to use all of our strength getting those shelves up, seeing as how your father had apparently sprained his, well his shelving muscle on other duties at his job!”

“His shelving muscle?” asked Lola, as he finished off the blog by saying “You know watt, Lola. Dad, or father as somebody might have called him, suggested that when I was a bit older, perhaps within the next day or two, and wood be leafing home for good, a Shelving Muscle might just come in handy, if that is, I had met someone on life’s long and winding road, who kneaded her own shelves adjusted someday?”

Lola’s rant was put aside on the nearby shelf, as the blog stuttered and wheezed a bit, before her Rant slid effortlessly off the shelf, and into the ensuing darkness below!

“Time for another Adjustment of the Shelving Nature, My Sweet?” he asked in the semi-darkness, as Lola’s last words were

Watt C. King Told I.C. Russell

“Today, dear Podcast Listeners, we have a special guest. Clarence King, the Government Revenuer, who has been called many things while visiting us on the Kenai Peninsula! Not only has he been accused of being a Canadian, witch as you know is hitting below the belt and then some, to someone who brazenly steals parking spots from the locals, while professing to be by, for and with the people of these United States!”

“Did you really knead to say United States?” asked ‘larence, as he reached over for another cup of coffee while the host replied, “Well if the Country fits, then we knead to wear it out as much as possible, don’t we?”

-whispering- “Have you been nipping at the Moose Whisky so early in the morning?” asked Clarence King, while our host replied, “Nope, I just dash a bit behind my ears in the morning, and I’m ready to Rock and Roll my fellow Kenaians!”

Lola wondered whose moped was parked outside their house, wondering why the person driving it, woodn’t have wanted a real- life kind of vehicle, and knot one sporting license plates that just reaked of Canadian Bacon?

“I’d like to say that I’ve been welcomed with open arms, and all, but that wood be farther than the truth as we know it!” said Clarence, while he looked at the sentence above saying “Why are you misspelling my words?”

“Obviously, you haven’t quite gotten the hang of being on the Kenai Peninsula, seeing as how the mystical and magical way that we have of spelling words, hasn’t trickled down into your ears, witch shood be runging by now with Kenaian Speak!”

-sipping his coffee again, then saying “I’d like to try dabbing that Moose Whisky behind my ears as well?” remarked Clarence, while adding “You know something else? I’d swear that the Caribou Cart parked in your driveway is stunningly similar to the one that pushed my beloved Edsel into the drink the other day, and that to the cheering crowds of those you have referred to as “The Conglomerate Collection of the to Kenai’s!”

Lola poked her head into the Podcast Studio to announce her departure, with Clarence saying “My, watt a Looker so early in the morning! Forget the Moose Whisky behind the ears, as this woman is a sight for soar eyes!”

“You see what others can see in the beauty before them, and so early in the morning at that!” said Lola, who then added, “If I were you, then I’d watch out when piloting your moped down the hill around Deadman Curve! Many a wandering Penguin has been seen in that area, causing traffic distress, like you woodn’t believe!” said Lola, who then exited that venue, stage left!

“Did she just say “wandering Penguins” to witch our Podcast Host replied with “No. No she did knot!”

“So I suppose that you’ll be reporting to the Head Revenuer that the existence of the Two Kenais is a done deal, isn’t it?” asked the man behind the microphone, while Clarence replied, “He is knot the Head Revenuer, and I never actually concluded there to be two Kenai’s, no matter how many death threats I received to the contrary!”

“Caller Number One, do you have any questions for ‘larence, before he hobbles back to where he came from, with his exhaust pipe between his legs?”

“I was just wondering, and the Misses as well, if your Revenuer fiend is really one of us, that wood be an American, tried and true, or isn’t he really just an Interloper of the worst kind, having driven his Moped across the state line in the middle of the Alaskan Night, swooping down on us ordinary Alaskans and their mates?”

“I say” said the Podcast Host as the Moose Bumps continued to rise on his arms “That was an excellent rant, similar to the ones that we usually are privy to from the Moose Skin Woman, and one that mentioned America, and Alaskan in the same breath!”

-holding his hand over the microphone saying “I say. Do you actually get anything whatsoever done on this show, or is it just a forum for addle-headed misfits and Moose Lovers of the third degree?” asked Clarence, as he reached for the Moose Whisky and poured himself a big glass, with not all of it ending up behind his ears!

“Our Guest has inadvertently covered up the incorrect microphone while he asked for something of me in quiet confidence, but don’t let his words aflict your opinion of him, seeing as how his government vehicle is being pulled out of the Kenai Sound, as we speak!”

As Lola drove alone towards Deadman Curve, she was in a state of fuming, something similar to Mt Redoubt Stratovolcano on one of its hissy days! “If I had known that man, with the charming disposition was in fact that Revenuer, then I’d have….

-sounds of Caribou Cart screeching to a halt, as Lola punched in the number of the Podcast, then having to wait her turn while somebody played “Tuna Fish Popsicle” in the background!

“So ‘larence, will you be moving on to another area of our Great State to start a new round of tar and feathering, or will you be humping it back to Canada with your friend, I.C. Russell?”

“larence! Are you still with me?” asked the Podcast Host, who then replied to his listeners, “Apparently, Clarence has not been able to hold his Moose Whisky, and is currently enjoying another venue on the floor underneath the Podcast Table! I’d take another call, but seeing as how our guest is incommunicado, we’ll just hear from a sponsor instead!

Ever had one of those days, when the local residents had decided to Tar and Feather your skinny, Canadian Butt? Well, we hear a the Alaskan Tar and Feather Removal Company are hear to help! We accept all kinds of clients, from those whose Edsel is enjoying a rather humid stay at the bottom of Kenai Sound, to those who will be wiling away their time, while on their Canadian-Registered Moped somewhere around Deadman Curve! Even Penguins of all Feather Denominations, are accepted!

–grumbling– “Didn’t he just say Penguins?” said Lola aloud, as she dabbed some Moose Whisky behind each ear, then continued to tool down the highway towards Kenai Big, once again….

And yes, for the hard of believing out there, We did just say, Penguins…..

The Kenai Paradox Revisited

“Today Dear Podcast Listeners, Out Local Guide will be podcasting live from the Town Hall Meating in Kenai Proper, locally known as Kenai Big!”

Lola was outside by the Caribou Cart, while her mate spun his web of deceet on the Podcast, wondering if her Battering Ram wood be able to withstand the force of that “Revenuer’s Edsel” if it still resided in her parking spot in Kenai Proper?

“‘Larence King will be presenting his findings on “The existence of the two Kenais” as well as “Whose Untied Moose Shoe Laces caused the trip up between the two hamlets!”

Lola had just reentered their hovel, having heard the last of his morning drivel, with her saying “Listen you. Why don’t you just leave the interpretation of what goes on down in “Kenai-Ville” to the experts, while your Local Guide hits on unsuspecting flightless birds with fin-like appendages?”

“Gosh Lola. You make it sound as if Our Local Guide is of the Penguin Persuasion, but that most likely is due to your Penguin Envy, or another flightless-bird affliction?”

“If he isn’t of the Penguin Persuasion” ranted Lola “as you put it, then why have you been keeping him a secret from your better half, instead of showing him to me, once and for all?”

“Well, he was here the other day, when you had your head involved with the Moose Shed outside, but once you went down into those inky depths, then no man, nor Local Guide, wood see the likes of you again, wood they?” asked the man, whose own experiences of diving down into the inky depths will be covered on another podcast, possessing a higher rating due to the sensitive nature of its, well, nature!

“I’m not certain, I like the way our New New Narrator Guy is depicting the sensitive, sensual nature of our relationship, but you probably have an explanation for that, don’t you?” ranted Lola, as the Town Hall Meating was to begin, somewhere far away in Kenai Proper!

“Ahem” said “lerance, that now familiar Revenuer, who had endeered himself to the locals, other than those who still suspected him of being a closet Canadian!”

“Ahem” he said again, then continued with “Today, I will be presenting my findings concerning the local notion of their being Two Kenai’s, witch as anyone wood know, is a misnomer of the third degree!”

“I’d have thought that someone naming their boy, ‘larence, was a misnomer of the first degree, woodn’t you Dr Stone?” asked Dave, or somebody like him, while Dr Stone said “Darned Shame, the New Ms Marjory hasn’t showed up yet. She wood put him in his place and then some, I’m sure!”

“Now then” continued ‘larence. “My Topographer, Mr I.C. Russell, has found that due to a slight rise in the lower sandstone formation in Kenai Proper, has givin some of the locals the idea, that there are in fact, 2 Kenai’s instead of accepting the fact, of this being no more than a geologic anomaly!”

A hand shot up from one of the locals who said “Listen here. If you were worth the paper, your misnomered name was printed on, then you’d see how that “bump” has caused my Misses to walk all funny-like, after she’d tripped on that “protrusion” while on her way from Little Kenai to Kenai Big! And that has caused problems in our personal and private relationship, like you woodn’t believe!”

“I say” said ‘larence, as he straightened himself up again, “My name has nothing to to with the local, misguided belief, that this “protrusion” as you call it, wood have interrupted your marital bliss, just because your “Misses” didn’t watch wear she was going!”

The local resident was about to reply to ‘larence’s reply, when the door burst open with someone yelling “I’ve got the tar a ‘boiling with a load of feathers having been donated by the Alaskan Chicken Poop Company of Kenai Little!”

“Did he really knead to say, Alaska, Dr Stone? asked Dave or somebody like him, while Dr Stone said “Remind me to remind the New Ms Marjory to order me a new shipment of Chicken Poop, won’t you? I hate to run out of one of life’s essential products!”

“Our Local Guide is now reporting how the chalk-boy is chalking a line between the two factions, while the Ladies Home Aux. of Kenai Big is doing a whopping business selling Moose Whisky and Penguin Puffers!”

“There is really no need for that, young man” said ‘larence, while the room was divided up into two entities, while the cheerleaders were expunged from their mini-busses into the melee that ensued!

“On a personal note. The Chalk Boy represents a bond between the two Kenai’s seeing as how his father had tripped on that protrusion between the to Kenai’s one dark and airy Alaskan night, causing his gal from Kenai Big to become with Child, or how else, wood anyone describe that kind of anomaly of the sexual kind anyway?”

Lola was screaming inside as she herd what her better half was mumbling about this time, but seeing as how she had just arrived at the site of the “Edsel Moving Ceremony” there were bigger Canadian Fish to fry, weren’t there?

Suddenly the Chalk Boy yelled out “Ma, Pa Come outside and see how someone in a Caribou Cart with a battering ram afixed on the front is about to push that Revenuer’s Car into the Sea!”

The Town Hall was emptied in a flash, as the Local Guide gave the woman in the Caribou Cart his special “wink” with her thinking, “Penguins don’t wink, do they?” asked Lola, while the population of the two Kenai’s yelled,

“Into the drink, you revenooer!” with Dr Stone commenting,

“I new the New Ms Marjory wood be giving us our Money’s worth!” with Dave or somebody like him saying

“I, but his final words were eclipsed by the gurgling and gushing sounds of ‘larence’s beloved Edsel, as it disappeared into the inky depths below…..

That is, somewhere below the two Kenai’s……

Having Her Moose Nickers in a Twist

“Gosh Doc. Watt were you going to say in the last blog, anyway?” said Dave, or somebody like him, as the blog-meter started to tick tick tick for the day, with Dr Stone answering,

“I don’t see why we don’t invest in a Digital-Blog-Meter? All of that ticking is driving me up the wall!”

Ever wondered why a Digital-Blog-Meter might just be the thing for you and her? Well, watt about when she tells you to turn off the light, having just removed her Moose Skin, a sure sign that someone was going to get lucky, but just as she reaches over to kiss you, the

“Watt kind of rumpy-pumpy balderdash are you touting this time, and better yet, why haven’t we invested in one of those blog-meters yet?” ranted Lola, as her mate tried to recaliber the advertisement, as Dr Stone said

“Funny thing, isn’t it? Things keep appearing in this blog, as if there was a Penguin standing just outside the office, taking note of everything we say, then relating it to person or persons unknown, and others of that ilk?”

“Gosh Doc. I’ve even started to say, Gosh, as if there was some sort of virus around here?” said Dave, or somebody like him, being someone unknown, or knot!

“Lola. My Sweet” said the man behind the Podcast, “I wish, you’d give me some notice the next time, you pull the plug on the advertisement, or we’ll never get the standard issue, discount when we two want our own Digital-Blog-Meter!”

“But just as she reaches over to kiss you, the

“Are you certain that our Listeners won’t be getting the rong idea about our Podcast?” asked Lola, as she tried zipping her Moose Skin up just a bit more, showing her and her mate, watt propriety really meant on the Kenai Peninsula!

-before he was to answer her, a call came in on his cell with him saying “Uh huh” and “Yes, I do knead to keep her around!” then ending the call saying “Now where exactly were we, My Sweet, in your morning rant, when you interrupted yourself and others?”

“Who might I ask was on the telephone?” asked Lola in an asking way, while he wound up the advertisement a third time before answering “If you must know, it was the owner and manager of the Digital-Blog-Meter Company of Lower Soldotna! She wanted to know why-

“Did you just say “She” or was that just a genderal slip of the tongue, on your part?” asked Lola in a pointed way, while he replied by saying “Now that you’ve gotten your point across with that pointed question, perhaps we can continue with today’s Podcast, with Caller Number One braving your morning rant, and upzippered Moose Skin to say,

“Listen here Buddy. The Misses and I are still lost in the world of upzippered Moose Skins and darkened bedrooms, if that was where the Blog Meter was tick tick ticking away, but not all of us Kenaians can take that kind of drama in the morning….or at noon-time as well!”

–grabbing the microphone saying “If I were your “Misses” I’d be sending you on your way to your meaningless and abject job, so she can loll around the house in her Moose Slippers, wandering when her lover was to arrive, and kiss her in the semi-darkness like she’d never been kissed before!” replied Lola in an extra-ordinary rant, before she said “And I wood do the same, if there weren’t others waiting for my smiling face and gentle disposition in Kenai Big, so there!”

“Dr Stone, I wonder if this wood be a good day to continue telling the New Ms Marjory about what you didn’t tell her about last time? Perhaps, she’ll be giving us her own version of the Moose Woman’s Rant, if anyone around here could repeat a scene like the one that we just heard?” said Dave or somebody like him, while Dr Stone replied with

“Just a minute, won’t you. I’ve got a call to make!” and with that said, Dr Stone became Caller Number two on today’s Podcast with our Hero saying “I’d like to welcome you to today’s Podcast, but knot if your Moose Nickers have gotten themselves in a twist after the Moose Skin Woman’s rant for today?”

“I was just wondering” said Dr Stone, “About when we are going to hear the final part of your sexy advertisement? I’ve got a fellow standing next to me, or somebody standing next to him, who is in a non-matrimonial way of knowing a woman, whose genderal slip of the tongue has left him speechless!”

As Lola tuned in today’s Podcast, she heard Dr Stone saying something about someone, or someone like him, while she thought, “I

-but her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the Digital-Blog-Meter Company Advertisement, rolling along once again, with

“But just as she reaches over to kiss you, the – but the advertisement was interrupted by someone honking their horn at Lola, with a car heading right towards her Caribou Cart with someone who resembled a Penguin at the wheel!

-muttering to herself, “I’ve got to stop eating those Penguin Puffers so late at night!” said Lola aloud as the Non-Digital Blog Meter went into high gear, drowning out the rest of the advertisement, or something that sounded like it…..

saying -tick tick tick tick…….or sounds that sounded amazingly like those…..