Earplugs Anyone?

“So my mother tells my father, while they were having their usual cup of spiked coffee in the morning, “Look at the children playing out there. I sense a high degree of greatness on the way!” My old dad looked out of that same window, almost at the same time remarking, “I see it too! That Feldspar Boy is going to be one of the Great Names inside Geology, you mark my words!” Mom only sighed and said, “Not him, but him-pointing over in my direction.” My father replied, “Are you certain it isn’t Feldspar? With that shock of red hair, similar to yours, I might just wonder if you hadn’t been bonking his father, while I was out doing serious business elsewhere!” My mom would only sob into her handkerchief, which was a free gift from the Whiskey Wagon in downtown Healy, before saying, “While you were out in field, checking out his mother’s Stratigraphy, or…”

Lola just sat there, in front of the makeup mirror, modelling the latest fashion in Earplugs. “What do you think of these here?” she asked, but didn’t expect an answer of any kind to be heard.

Does she, or doesn’t she? A voice was heard to say, while Lola tried to decide between the ones colored Denali Blue, or Old Sandstone Red. Only her Earplug Manufacturer knows for sure….

B. just looked at her while he was knee-deep in the wallowing called his memories. He considered saying, “Harumph! then storming out of the room, headed towards the local bar, but reconsidered when he realized that was exactly as his father would have reacted, and didn’t want to take after his parents..

Bob the Penguin looked in through the front window and wondered why his burden in life concerned those two humans? If only he had a job and a Babe, or a Babe with a job, or a Babe with no job, then he could, well, do pretty much as he did right now….just with the Babe, that is.

Lola’s attention was distracted by a shadowy figure just outside the front window. She motioned to B., but he was in the throes of arguing with his father, with his mother on the sidelines, sipping her afternoon spiked Tundra Tea and dreaming of that red-haired boy, she used to know…

“Someone is watching our every move”, she yelled out, but ran her hands along her long, silky legs just to get the full effect of the moment.

B’s Father chose that moment to shake his head and mutter, “That boy is destined for greatness all right, as a Penguin Herder….

Bob ran in at that moment, a look of joy on his little face saying, “Mom. Dad. Snow’s Up! Let’s hit the slopes before all the good snow has been pooped on!” and with that the Happy Family ran out of the door and frolicked in the snow like it was nobody’s business!”

Lola took the earplugs out of her ears and listened. “Why don’t you protect me like a real man should do!” she exclaimed and-

“How can I do that, while you are the one with the suitcase filled with guns, and the only one who knows the combination to get it opened up?”

They just stood there, seething and frothing at the mouth, when Lola looked out of the window at Young Bob playing outside with his friends. “Just look at him out there. He is surely destined for greatness”, she said with pride in her voice. “Which one is that?” asked his father, while his mother wondered if it almost were time to pull out the old Red Sandstone Whiskey and….

“Wow” thought Bob to himself. ” A Classic Temporal Loop, if I never had seen one before! If I just wait a bit longer, than that Babe and her Twin Sister, both with paying jobs, will be knock, knock, knocking on Old Bob’s Front Door, showering him with……”

“Just a bit longer, is all……”

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Bob’s Illusion of Grandeur

Bob the Penguin was on his way towards greatness. Sitting there in the barber chair, being waited on feather and fin, was just a small chapter in his otherwise grandiose life.

“Monsieur Bob, what is your pleasure today?” asked Kenny Eye, the Barber to the Stars, somewhere on Alaska’s Riviera! “Perhaps a Ricky Ricardo will suit your tastes today? Or perhaps something like the Band Leader, Monty Real has ordered, or the even more popular, “Trump Tower!”

Bob the Penguin imagined himself with the same characteristic landing ramp that was made famous by none other than…..but I digress. How did Bob come this far in life, many will be asking? Well, it is a tale of imagination and dreams that couldn’t, wouldn’t come true…but they did in the end!

Somewhere on an Ice floe in the Southern Hemisphere, we see Bob’s Mother pleading with him not to seek his fortunes in the cold north! “But this is your home, Bobby”, she cried, while Bob just turned his gaze to the north, to the Last Frontier…

Then there was the perilous journey, with days unending with only raw fish to sustain his feathers, but that part of him that sought greatness, drove him onward, and onward again. Finally he waddled up on the Gravelly Sands of the Lower Kenai Peninsula, in Our Alaska, falling down and kissing the undifferentiated glacial remains and sedimentary gravels of the Quaternary, only to be captured by one of the locals, who never in his life had seen a Genuine Alaskan Penguin before!

“Lola. Lola” he was heard to cry as the other local indigenous peoples known as the Kenaians, were said to be held in awe, at the sight before them! Bob was on his way to greatness, though his captivity might have led some to other conclusions entirely.

Each and every day after his arrival, he spent his time wondering what lie on the other side of the Penguin Fences? “Someday”, he told himself, “when the guard had been let down, he would waddle his way toward freedom….”

Sitting there in that Barber Chair, surrounded by the Pomp and Circumstance of the Alaskan Elite, might just be hard to believe, after the hardships that he had endured in order to come this far!

Bob the Penguin Blogger writes about traveling the world on a Penguin Feather” or “Bob the Penguin hobnobs with the stars!” Even the Governor of Alaska, seen here at his Winter Residence in Juneau, taking a minute off from his busy schedule to drink Tundra Tea Cocktails with Bob himself! The Governor reaches over to Bob and asks about his chances for re-election? Bob just replies, “It’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel, but better yet eat them raw like Sushi!” a statement which leaked out to the Press, making Bob an instant star on Good Morning Alaska!

“Bob’s mother flies in on Penguin Air to be with her son, on his upcoming birthday” the Gossip Columnists will be writing as the news hits the wires. Bob’s Father is even hinted to be of Royal Heritage, which makes the Ice Queen of Alaska invite Bob and his mother to the yearly Masked Ball, held on the top floor of the Conoco-Phillips Building, the Tallest Building in Alaska!

Bob just relaxes on his bed of dreams, while this reporter, my hands shaking while recording each and every fascinating moment of this “Feathers to Riches” story, asks Bob, “What’s Next?”

Bob just leaned back and took hold of one of his daily sprats, pilchards or mullets, flown in daily to satisfy the wants and needs of the delicate tastes of this former resident of the Southern Hemisphere.

Bob turned to me and said…..”

Loud noises heard in the background. Two people discussing something in high tones….“Of course I didn’t bring a Penguin on our Vacation! Do think I’d do something like that, Lola?” then another voice, “Then how do you explain Penguin Footprints outside of the cabin? Do you think we are being watched by errant Canadian Penguins, or others of that ilk?” – then “Gosh Lola. I’m usually the one to mention Canada, but today….”

Bob hesitated before answering my last question, but I am a patient man, and this interview, was months in anticipation, until his Press Agent contacted my Boss, who arranged such a historic meeting for such a lowly reporter as I!

-“Aw Lola-kins. Do you really think, I’d jeopardize our Second Honeymoon by bringing a Penguin along for fun and games? All Right.. so we aren’t married, and have never been on our First Honeymoon, but on the other hand, a Famous Quotation says, “You can never go wrong with Penguins” said by A. Mando, who was a Famous Authority on Penguins, that…..No. I am quite sure this “said Penguin” has not been in our room at night, when we have been…well occupied with other interests than….No. It was me that made that funny sound when we…..Well, I’m sure, I’ve made that sound before, but what with you sighing, then yelling, “Get ‘Em Up Cowboy – Yee Haw!” you might not have heard me, when I made that noise!”

Bob just stared at his reflection in the Mercantile Window in Downtown Chicken Alaska, and sighed…

-and dreamed, his dreams of grandeur……


She came from Chicken, you know….

Chicken Alaska was situated at least 4 hours from anywhere, or nowhere depending on your reference of places and people. One of the few left surviving gold-rush towns in Alaska (Wikipedia) and the subject of Mr and Ms -any last-name-here- and their attempts to break out of the Winter Doldrums and bring a bit of quality back into their lives…

“Gosh Lola. I’d sure like to meet the person, who writes the intros to our blog. He sounds like a man of the world, and-“

“I don’t care who he is, but if he doesn’t put a bit more “long legs and silky skin” in his description of me, then we might as well get a new writer instead!”

Lola’s beauty was famed in song and story. Her long legs and silky skin were known to make men cry into their Moose Flakes with desire, as even they knew that her heart only belonged to one man, Mr. B of….

-“Enough of this silly business” said Lola as she put her smile away for the moment, and let her hands run down the length of her long and silky

“but what is the plan for today, my Love” asked the man, who still was unaware that in the easterly direction, lie the County populated by the proud peoples known as the-–“Ahem!” said Lola, trying to stop the free flow of information to

“Well Howdy Do Fellow Travelers” interrupted “Un” as he approached the pair of them, smoothing out his beard all nice like and displaying a smile that ran from Healy to Clear, as my old Granddaddy used to say!”

“Honestly” said Lola. “Soon, we’ll just have to drop all quotation marks and let the paragraphs run into each other, instead of figuring out who said what and why?”

Un just stood there patiently while these City-Folks rambled on and on about just about nothing at all, while he wondered when theys was ready again to-

“Oh sorry about that Un” said Lola abruptly. “You know something? We never did get an explanation about why your name was “Un”?”

“Un” just took off his hat and threw it on the ground, spitting on it and-

“Un just looked up at the last paragraph and shook his head. “City folks!”

“Well” he said when the dust had settled and the paragraphs found their rightful place. “My Mother was a big fan of the Silver Screen, and she named me after one of her favorite places in the whole wide world, Unalaska. It seems that she…”

-looking around the corner of their cabin, was Penguin Bob, who had gotten tired of taking the backseat in this story, and was ready to Rock-N-Roll the locals with his impression of- “

“-was partial to a movie starring Lola LaRue, who came from Chicken itself, if yous didn’t know that by now?”

They might have been sitting around the campfire, telling each other Ghost Stories, or was it when they had been to Church Camp and were told to throw their Pine Cone in the fire, if they loved Jesus!

“Wes aren’t never gonna hear the rest of my story, if that fellow who writes those paragraphs doesn’t keep his thoughts to himself for a while, now is we?”

Un had a backlot kind of whimsical speech that made him seem uneducated and uncouth, but if you knew the story behind the story, then….

“Listen here you” said “Un” to whoever. “I’m gonna give you until the count of 5 to…

-while Bob the Penguin slipped behind the wheel of the Willies Jeep and tried to see if his feet would reach the pedals! Driving to the wilds of Canada had always been his dream, and now that he had left the Penguin Fences behind him, the door was open towards wine, women and….-

“Well, you see” said continuing while unbeknownst to the rest of them, the Willies Jeep was rolling down the nearby hill towards an uncertain fate!

“Lola. The Willies!” yelled B. while “Un” looked up to see Lola’s long and silky legs, falling in love with her from that brief moment in time!

B ran after the Willies, as if the whole of the Canadian Mounted Police were after him!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bob tore the page off and looked at it for a moment, before tossing it in the nearby trash can. He then leaned back and looked out of the window as the snow rapidly melted in Northern Denmark.

“I don’t know about you” said Bob to me, “but this story-line is only getting more muddled and confused as we go. How ’bout a blog about the fabulous Penguin named Bob, and his long silky legs that…..””I would” I told him “but seeing as how I’ve changed the front picture of this blog to a map stretching from Fairbanks to Chicken, I think it wise to continue with this series of stories for the time being.”

Bob just leaned back in his Barcalounger as he sucked on an Elephant Toothpick. “All right for now, but if this doesn’t improve soon, this Penguin will be flying away seeking whiter pastures!”

Flying Penguins! I told myself. Who would believe a story like that?….


The Penguin Stick

Klondike. That sure is a funny word, and believe you me, I’ve read/heard some funny ones living on the Kenai Peninsula. Oh, you’ve never heard of the Kenai Peninsula? Well, that might just be a funny story in itself, unless of course you come from Unalaska, but…

“Who in the world are you talking to?” asked the love of my life, or perhaps her mysterious sister, who promised to come and visit us once upon a time, but-

“Gosh Lola. It kind of reminds me of this strange fellow and his beard, who both happened on by our place while you were still incognito. They were having a terrible argument, you see, and….wait a minute. His name was almost the same as Klondike…..Wasn’t it Van Dyke, his name, I mean, or was that the name of the fellow, that was with him? Are you following any of this Lola, or would you like to read my monologue before I put it up for publication on the old Blog Site?”

Lola wondered about how many Blog Widows/Widowers were out there in the Cosmic Ether, waiting for their loved-ones to remember that there used to be a life before blogging, and if they only would/could break those bonds and return to them again…..but would their life change into something else? Would they go their respective ways, with him falling for some poor girl from his past, like the one who soured him totally about Canada, or……

“Did you just say, Canada?” he looked up from his Chicken Scratches when he thought someone, somewhere mentioned that Country, existing to the east of them somewhere?

“No. Not at all” said Lola as she perused the map of the Klondike region, which was lying suspiciously over in another Country, beginning with the letter, “C.”

“Tell you what” she said, breaking into his thoughts. “How about we take a little trip tomorrow, over to the Klondike? And you know what? The fun part will be me blindfolding you to increase your level of surprise! What do you say about that?”

B. just put down his keyboard, while the thoughts eased their way into his head. “Wow Lola. It might just be like that game we used to play in the bedroom, Hiding the old Penguin Stick, where you would….

“I remember quite well what that meant,” said Lola as she tried to keep her thoughts on how to distract him, as they would cross the international border over to….., “but that is not the game that we’ll be playing tomorrow, All Right?”

“Whatever you say, Boss. Well, shouldn’t we be hitting the old haystack with our needles, or how did that expression really go anyway?”

The next morning Lola got the Willies fired up and waited for B. to arrive, lugging his day pack, filled with….”Just what are you bringing along today?” she asked, as he lifted it into the back of the Jeep, then collapsing into the passenger’s seat saying, “Well, lemme see” said as he rummaged in and around, and perhaps even about his day pack, while Lola only said, “Look You. If we are going sightseeing today, we can’t waste all day on this and that!”

He got back into his seat saying, “I thought, I packed my Penguin Stick? Just in case, you know?”

Lola just revved up the Willies and was about to drive off in the direction of the Klondike, when “Un” ran up, blocking the way so she couldn’t pass.

“Well Howdy Miss Lola and Mr. B” Chuckling “with no last names, and all. You know that that The Taylor Highway is closed in the winter, don’t you?”

Lola just sat there, Gunning the engine, as if she was occupying Pole Position Number 1, in the Chicken Grand Prix. Her co-driver, B. was still rummaging around in his day pack for the Chicken Stick, or was it the Penguin Stick? which didn’t make matters any better! The tires inched forwards then backwards, as she considered her options.

She was just about to throw the jeep in reverse, when the co-driver yelled, “Here it is! My Precious! The Penguin Stick…..” said as the Willy’s slipped backwards, falling into Chicken Creek Gulch as he continued to yell..”It’s mine, I tell you. All mine………”

Un just stood there and scratched himself on the…well, let’s just say, he scratched himself.

“If yous wants to visit Dawson City at this time of year, you’ll need to drive south, then north again, but that’ll take you at least 14 hours, if you make all of the traffic lights in time, and if the wind is at your back and all!”

Lola just banged her head against the steering wheel, while B. just beamed and smiled.

“Gosh Lola. Now we can play that age-old game, “Hide the Penguin Stick!” That’ll really bring back some old memories, won’t it, huh?”

“Yep” said Un while they considered their options. “Darn clever of those advertising people telling folks to visit us here in Chicken, without telling them that the shorter road was closed in the winter and all! You know something else? It was my brother in-law Farley Van Dyke that first got that idea and…”

“Does he have one of those beards that…?” asked B.

-while “Un” just said, “Yep, he shore as shooting does! Why doesn’t you and me just mosey over to the bar and I’ll pour you some of the rotgut, I’ve got under the bar! Then we can discuss why your lady-friend, Ms Lola, shore does resemble that crazed-killer down south a ways, and all……”

Lola just wondered if she would be getting a break in the next blog…..but doubted it greatly……and all….

Un-Timely

“Well howdy do, friends and neighbors and a Big Chicken Welcome to our foreign visitors today!”

B. just looked at Lola wondering which of them was the foreigner, with Lola just saying, “Uh. Thanks a heap, Sir. and what might your name be?”

“Just call me Un. Everyone who is anyone does, so why should it bes any different with the likes of you folk?”

If Un was characteristic of the the other 6 residents of the town of Chicken, then our hapless Kenaians were in for a week of more than just Fun and Games than the advertisement had promised them! Un came from the town of…

“Gosh Lola. It was just getting interesting until the Newsreel gone went and broke! Now, we might never find out where “Un” comes from and all?”

“Look you. I haven’t any idea what you are babbling about, so just smile and accept the key to the room or the town, whichever he decides to give us and let’s find our cabin and freshen-up a bit before….

Un interrupted Lola by saying, “We’s don’t have that many rules around here, but one of them is that you needs to leave your Penguin at the door! You know how theys are always shedding and spitting their-“

“But we don’t have any Penguins with us, do we?” said with a stern look at B., who just stared at his feet and ..

“Well. Just to be sure, that’s all” said Un as he found their key and waited for them to put their “X” in the register. “It says, Lola and B. without a Last Name! Well, well, well. Yous wouldn’t be on the Lam from the Law, would you now?” said as he looked at Lola and the “Wanted Posters” on the wall behind the counter. “Yous look a bit like that crazed woman who stabbed her lover to death at some Motel in the next Country down the line, -reading while squinting- then saying, “Kenai Peninsula, Alaska……”

“but we are still in Alaska, aren’t we Mr, -Uh- Un” said B. while squinting as well, then looking back at Lola, who by now sported a pair of sunglasses, ostensibly snow-glasses, which she-

“Alaska, my good man, is just a concept created by others to define what the rest of us know as reality! You might as well call it Un-Alaska for all I know, but that can be left to discussion, can’t it now?”

Lola and B. smiled as they edged towards the door. “Well, Un” said Lola after a while. “We’ll be on our way to our Cabin now.” Perhaps we’ll meet again later on?” said while crossing her fingers behind her back, while B. only said, “and here is to you and yours as well!” said while exiting the building and continuing on to points unknown.

“Uh, Lola. Are we really in Alaska, or is that just a concept?”

Lola responded by saying, “That man is as crazy as the day is long in the summertime in Alaska! and that is not Unalaska, either!”

Upon finding their cabin, Lola went into the bathroom to “freshen up”. “Gosh Lola. I’ve always wondered about that expression, “freshen up”. Is it some sort of Spray, or do you -“

“I find it amazing that you still don’t understand women” said by Lola as she did what she did and was good at it, I’d imagine?

“You see” said as he finished reading the last paragraph then saying “Even the Newsreel guy doesn’t really know what “Freshen Up” really means?”

Lola popped her head out of the bathroom door saying, “The Newsreel Guy, who?”

Just then there was a knock at the door…

“Uh Lola. You just pop back into your “Freshening routine” while I see who it is.” She disappeared while he went to the front door, opening it saying, “I told you to hide in the back room, didn’t I?” The Penguin just nodded and disappeared around the corner of the cabin, while Lola called out, “Well. Who was it anyway?”

“Oh. Wrong Number, I suppose?”

Lola storming out of the bathroom in her “Freshened State of Being”. “What do you mean by, Wrong Number? Are you keeping something from me?”

The couple went to their respective corners as the scene faded to black. The wind whistled relentlessly outside as a fierce Snowstorm moved in from the East.

“Gosh Lola. We don’t even need to go outside what with the Newsreel Guy filling in all of the details for us! I wonder though, where he is while we are living the life of Reilly Chicken, in the town of, or should I have said that in another way, like….”

Join us next time, when the story continues with Lola and B., two foreigners who quite possibly are “On the Lam” harboring unlawful penguins, and on the run from a crime most heinous, committed somewhere in a concept called Alaska…..


Winter Fun and Games

Lola and her mate, currently known as B. are discussing their life in the month of February, while on the Kenai Peninsula. B. interjects with, “that is in Our Alaska”, to which Lola beans him on the noggin with her…

“Are we really going to spend the whole winter just sitting here, discussing Penguin Fences and if my toenail polish has the right color to drive you mad?”

“Gosh Lola. That was direct and to the point, but if you would speak a bit slower next time, then I could manage to write it down in my up and coming book,”Famous words to eat Moose Flakes by”, which is about to be published on WordPr-

“Forget that Blog-business and talk to your one and only about the Real World! If you really want to get anywhere in this life, then you’d be better off by letting your “followers” get a life and stop reading your endless drivel!”

-“finishing writing” – endless drivel.

“Fine work my love, and ending that last statement with a word such as “drivel”. I would tell 10 of my friends to react to that, but as you well know, you’ve scared off most of them with your threats and…

“All I wanted to do, Mr Unknown, was to suggest that they examine their relationship with us and stop calling, writing and otherwise attempting to bother us with their problems, life-updates and other nonsensical whims and

“but that is what friendships and conversation are all about, my love” said in such a pleading way, that she must hear me out, if not for just us, but for the rest of humanity and its

“Like I said before” spoken by the woman with a name, a first one anyway “I don’t want to spend the whole winter on semantics and why your false-friends have deserted you!”

-looking up in the Kenai Book of Wisdom- “It says here, and I quote: Winter Doldrums are common for all Intelligent People living in the Northern Latitudes, with the exception of…..Need I say it out loud, Lola?”

Lola just looked at him, reading him like a Dirty Book, and not just any one, I might add, but one sanctioned by the Karibou X-ings Book of the Month Klub, at http://www.k

-continuing- Sledding – nope, not since your rifle “accidentally” fired that one winter and stopped me and Howie from sledding down the north-facing roof, -Sleigh-riding– nope again, especially after “someone” said that my only purpose for leaving our property was to visit a certain “Miss Cary Beau” and not to –

“That’s all well and good for you and your false recollections, but what are we going to do until the Spring Breakup actually happens in late-April or early-May* “asked the woman whose Fame and Dexterity with a certain 30-30 Winchester had exceeded the local area and had traveled all the way to Can-

“We are not going down that road again, now are we?” asked Lola as she peered into his book, continuing…

gold panning in the Klondike– “We could do that” she said, but knew about the proximity to the Country to their East and wondered how he would react to that?

“I’ll just make a quick call” she said and left him to his perusal of his Fantasy Book reading, while…

“We could always learn to walk like Penguins! I’ve heard that a new section of the Winter Olympics will be concentrating on that area, and if we beat them to the punch, then-

“Stop with that Penguin Snivel, and listen to me. I’ve just booked a week of fun and games in the town of Chicken! So find our snowshoes and call your Penguin-watching friend, if you have one that is, because Mr and Mrs unknown Last Name are hitting the road for the Extreme Eastern Portion of this Great State…..

“That’s Alaska, you Dolt!”

Join us next time dear readers as we journey to Chicken, Alaska with our hapless couple, “The Kenaians of well, Kenai Peninsula” as they attempt to enjoy Alaska at its finest, in the bustling town of Chicken. Population 7, 2010 Census…..

*https://www.weather.gov/aprfc/SRAK48PACR


The First Quarter Championships

Shaking her head, NO in Capital Letters, as I shuffled through my notes.

“Ahem”, I said into the microphone, trying to right a wrong, before it became a left! “Attention, a Faux Pas has been discovered in the Ice Rink tonight, so if you are French, waiting patiently for a response, or have a friend who might just admit to being a Canadian, on their off-days, then you could text them to see what I am talking about!”

No one seemed to be on the verge of rioting, so I calmly continued. “Tonight we are present in the Homer Ice Rink to celebrate the Quarter Championships of the Elephant Ice Skating Finals!” with someone poking me in the side, while I finished that embarrassing statement, with all that she could say being, “Not the Finals, you Boob! Tell them!” I indicated a reluctance to address the audience in that tone of voice, but acquiesced all the same. “Anyone who considers them self a boob after interpreting my last announcement, will” – more head-shaking, and threats of bodily harm coming from Ms Perfect to my left.

One spectator turned to his buddy saying, “It looks like an altercation in the Announcer’s Booth?” which drew their attention away from the opening sequence of the National Anthem, sung tonight by Ms Winter Alaska, Dusty of Termination Nation. The one said, “I’d like to dust off her skates, if you catch my drift of snow, with his friend saying,

-“but getting back to our play by play action of this year’s exciting event, “Have Elephant will …no, that’s not right either!”

“This evening is just filled with False Steps, isn’t it?”- waiting for acknowledgement of the audience, who were still wondering who among them were Canadians, or not?

“My belly button has been puckering and unpuckering in anticipation of this event, and I’m sure others with us tonight, will admit to that as well?”

“I say we overthrow the Announcer’s Booth and take what spoils are left in the wreckage”, said the one to the other, while the crowd around them were considering their options of rioting outright, or demanding to know if there were Canadian Troublemakers in their midst?

The audience seemed unconcerned with the efforts of the Elephant Skaters, with sounds of general discontent being heard, drowning out the announcements flying over their heads in rapid succession. “Now, I’m sure we can come to an agreement about our problems” the voice was heard to say, while sounds of the door behind him splintering and crashing, while—

The local police from substation 56 were being dispatched to quell the violent tendencies of the unruly crowd. The police fired gelatin-flavored bullets into the crowd, while the–

“Gosh Lola. What kind of muck are they showing tonight on TV, huh?”

Lola just threw a glance over to the Boob Tube, and wondered what ever happened to their love life? There was a time that he’d offer me his body and his mind, she thought to herself, and while he was lost in those thoughts, she took him for what he was worth!

“What are you thinking about Sweetkins?” said as he munched on cinnamon-flavored Moose Chips, scratching his back and wondering what the police were going to do with that Boob in the Announcer’s Booth?

“Gosh Lola. Just think about people like him, insulting the audience, plus giving them false information and not even being able to see the error of his ways!”

Lola just looked at him remembering when they actually had readers from Canada visit their site, but things changed when, when—

“Oh, by the way” she said while he was engrossed in the violence on the screen. “What was it that turned you against the Canadians, anyway?”

“Oh, it was just a girl I knew, once” he said, while he sucked on his Pixie Straw and—

“She went off the deep end one day, and I thought to myself, “Just like a Lemming” which was like….Oh My Goodness Lola. Look at what is happening now!”

Lola hoped the 800-word mark would save her from doing anything more in this blog, but she still had 100 or so words left until…

“There is a crowd at the entrance holding the Canadian Flag, yelling something in French that I amazingly cannot understand…”

-“and our reporter from TV-Home(r) has just made his way to the front of the crowd with this first-hand interview with the leader of this group!”

“and what caused her to go off the Deep End, anyway?” asked Lola, who was amazed at having come so far along the truth, while he was occupied with seeing—-

“Oh, you know, the usual thing. It might have been me denying her my body, or was it something I wrote, my memory fails me now..?.”

Lola seen squirming in her seat as the first Helicopter arrived on the scene, illuminating…

“But was this before we met, wasn’t it?, and why haven’t you said anything about her before now?”

“Gosh Lola. I don’t know. Really I don’t. Some women just misinterpret what I say, you know then all of a sudden….Wow! Look at that!”

He stood up spilling his Moose Chips while pointing at—-

“Oh”, said Lola. “Over the 800-word mark again, are we?”

“No. I swear I just saw that girl on TV, at the head of the crowd with the Canadian Flag!”

Lola began to say,”but You..”

“Oops, over 900-words this time Lola. What a wild ride, huh?…..”

 

Just Like They Do in Kenai

“I don’t know Lola. Shouldn’t that be “on Kenai?” You know like where do you live? Well I live “on” France, so they say….”

The Kenai Book of Wisdom – Chapter 5. Finding that Special Someone

“Today, we’ll be examining how to” – “wait a minute”, said Lola. “Didn’t you just cross out the other names of that Chapter? Trolling for Babes, or How to make her go out with you after you’d dropped your cucumber?”

“Just rough drafts, that’s all”, said by the man who would be the Mayor of Healy, if they hadn’t run him out of town on a rail..

Step 1. The two-straw method. When ordering the beverage of your choice, ask for two straws. This will entice and titillate the wonder and passion in Woman A, making her think that you are in the market for sharing your life!

“-but”, said Lola again. “What if you are titillating Woman A, when Woman B shows up? They might just want to share that beverage themselves, pushing you out of the picture!”

No problemo My Dear. Look here in Chapter 5, section 2: Catching yourself before she throws a banana peel in your path!

Example 1: A woman of means is strolling along the Beach at Kenai….No. Not on Kenai, but at Kenai, and you are sitting there on the gravelly sands, wiling away the moment wearing just one sandal on your left foot…No it has to be on the left foot, otherwise this clever ruse just won’t be working….Then she might casually say, “Seen any Penguins today in the Cook Inlet?” which is a very clever, and typical come-on line used by Kenaians, while you reply, “Well, Yes I Have! and the darned bird just flew away with my left sandal!”

“I can’t understand how anyone could call this written balderdash, Wisdom? Penguins don’t fly, you know, so how is he going to convince this poor, confused woman that he is telling her the truth?”

Well, this is where Woman B enters the picture. She tells her friend, or chance companion, Woman A that my story sounds as if someone from up North was pulling her left fetlock, while she might reply,”Are you sure this is the truth, and not just a way to get me to share your beverage of choice with that very enticing straw in the cup? Her friend  might just say, “Are you falling for his stories, while Woman A says, “But he is so cute with just one sandal on his foot! Then they might just….

“Are we really getting anywhere at all with this story?” said while brushing off the sand from her left foot, where that darn sticky alluvial matter from the beaches along the Cook Inlet had stuck onto her, like, like….”darn it! Another good place to insert a Metaphor, but are they just flying about wanting someone to catch them? Well, the answer is No of course”, said by the man, who after being run out of Healy on that rail, met the woman of mystery on the Alaska Express with course towards the Kenai Peninsula!

She was one of those Beach Groupies, you know? He told his story while she sucked on his beverage of choice through straw number 2, just like the book had said. She wanted to hang out on every beach in Alaska. Catching those rays, while the Penguins played in the background. It was there that she met him, that otherwise Sunny November Day with a temperature below freezing and a set of blue lips that would drive any man to the next town for a cup of hot coffee! “Anything to please her” was what I ended up saying to myself, standing there along the Sterling Highway, with her by my side, while we tried to hitch our way towards Homer.

She just lie there on my bed, thumbing through my magazine, “Sands of Kenai Monthly” while sipping on my beverage of choice! She just reached over towards me and whispered, “Homer Alaska?” with a look of anticipation in her eyes, and sand on her ankles. My father would have told me something like, “Go for the Gold Boy” but with him being a Geologist and all, I wouldn’t be sure if that was that soft shiny metal, or was he referring to something else? So close to touch, I thought, as I brushed the sand off her kneecaps and said,”….

“It seems to me that you are pretty darn personal with someone, you’d just met! Brushing sand off her lower extremities, while wondering what will happen when she has sucked your beverage of choice, dry as the sands of the Upper Kenai Peninsula?”

I don’t know about you Lola, but all this talk of my beverage of choice going dry has made me thirstier than is written at the end of Chapter 5: When Her Dry Lips Met Yours.

This is accomplished while you have both agreed on a plan of action, whether to make love then and there, or should you journey to the refrigerator in the other room and find some cool cucumbers to place on your lips? She might say, “I’ve never thought of cucumbers like that” while you might casually answer,”Would you like to see my Cucumber Collection?” then the lights would slowly dim as the Refrigerator Door closes…….

Kenai Moving Pictures Presents…

Bent Sharp and Rusty Steel starring in, “The Return of Lola La Rue!”

“Gosh Lola. I  thought Lola La Rue was goners, when the last film showed her shot in her unmentionables at daylight that one Alaskan Winter?” Lola just looked at him and said, “Lola is only a Metaphor for what is good and true in Womankind! Didn’t you understand the point of the movie?”

He just sat there and whittled his rod, while the camera panned back to show the building where Lola was wholed up when the Mounted Police searched for her, and her nasty mob of, well those bad guys that supported her. “Are you going to play with your rod all day, or are you going to please me like a real man should have done before the last scene, where he said he was leafing me for someone else?”

-“But I would never leaf you Lola, you know that”, said by the man whose forest was then, and will always be dear to his heart, like she was!

-“But Lola” asked the man sitting beside her, feeling around for the goodies in her box….of popcorn, saying “I’ll bet Bent Sharp would like to cast his Steely Gaze upon her, that is if Rusty Steel hadn’t already polished her belt buckle, or whatever they call that kind of thing today?”

Lola just looked back over her shoulder to the third and most decisive paragraph in this movie, saying “but who was the man, she was referring to, but who didn’t please her, while others might have been pleasing her instead?”

She had a point there, but he had troubles enough finding his own point in this story, wondering if he too could please her like a woman like her wanted to be pleased?

“Cut” yelled the Director as his assistant placed a cold-compress on his head and told him that they would be doing it after dinner tonight, if he felt up to it, that is? “Cost overruns”, he said. “Threats from the Canadians for Copyright infringement, Hoards of Homerites who were hired as extras, but got lost on the way to the set because they mixed up the Sterling Highway with the Steward Highway, and someone keeps letting those 2 Moose onto the set, where they don’t belong!”

“Wow Dude. What a Bummer”, said Tristan to Barney, while they ogled the actress playing Lola La Rue. “I still haven’t gotten over the final scene in the last movie where she was caught in her unmentionables, but we, as Vision Moose, are allowed to mention them, aren’t we? Huh Barney?”

Barney just looked over to Lola La Rue, and wondered how she would look with a winter coat on, just wandering as it were along through the forest near Homer, while he would just be whistling a tune, then saying”Oh Hi there young woman, and what brings you to this part of the fore…”

“Hey Man. You went out like a LED on me there. Are you still following what I’m saying, or is the excitement too much for you and all?” said Tristan, now sporting a sign saying”Moose Extra available, inquire here!”

Lola La Rue just slinked across the room in a slanky way and pulled him closer to him than the PG-13 rating would allow. “Kiss me, like you’ve never kissed another woman, or her Pet Moose before, and tell me that you love me, before I blow your brains out with this”….pointing to his whittling stick, or was it a bar of soap, shaped like a gun, but slippery, Oh so slippery to the touch, but only when she had revealed her assets to him, with him exclaiming, “My Goodness Gracious Miss La Rue, I never imagined them to be that slippery!”

“Cut” yelled the Director again, while his able-bodied and not a bad looker of an assistant, fanned his face, while she waited for her turn in the Limelight, or was it just another one of his low-down, cheating lies, when he said that she would look good on film, but really only wanted her to pose in the….”

“Cut” yelled the Director again, fearing that Miss La Rue’s assets were delaying the entrance of Rusty Sharp and Bent Steel as they rode into Soldotna, and exclaimed, “We’ve been a hankering for something Miss La Rue, and you usually know what that means….!”

The Director wanted to yell, Cut, but feared more delays would force them over the waterfall at or near the 800-word mark, not knowing if she would survive the barrel trip as the 3-Leading Men waited with bated-breath at the bottom of her Gorge, waiting to dive into her Chasm, and…

“Cut” yelled Lola as she had just about had enough of their snide comments and double entendres! “Come” she told me and we went into the other room to consider our options, while the rest of the cast was told to have a few drinks on the house, then take the next few days off while Lola re-wrote the script, or..

“Gosh Lola. I was just looking forward to getting into, Lola La Rue. I mean, getting into her figure a bit more…I mean, you know?”
Lola just stood in front of him, with the light of the Alaskan Winter Sunset illuminating her unmentionables as she pushed him on the bed and said,”Let’s see how you can handle these –  pointing to well, this and that, saying – or are my assets too slippery for the likes of you….?”

Lola La Rue will return in another film of ecstasy and intrigue, coming soon to a blog near you…….

“Gosh Lola. It might have been easier if there had been handles, or something like that……”

Moon Over Healy

Somewhere in the shadow of Mt Denali lies Healy Alaska. Some, might call it “Our Healy” Those who, being born and raised in this small town, along the banks of the Nenana River, situated very close to where the Anchorage-Fairbanks railway-line runs.

“Gosh Lola. Visiting my parents in Healy, that is Our Healy! What a trip that’ll be, but we shouldn’t just drop in without calling first, you see my parents are….

Lola had heard endless accounts of how his parents were. Two Geologists whose love of alcohol and rubbing their rocks together, or whatever they called that kind of thing in Our Healy, but she didn’t want to know anymore details than that. She was on a mission, and was certain that the answer to her Quest lie in Healy.

“Hi Mom. It’s me your son, B.” said into the receiver just outside some derelict Filling Station, one that once had a dinosaur on its roof. “Look here Mom. Lola and I are in Healy, and….Yes, Mom. In Our Healy, and we were wondering if you and Dad were up to a visit?” listening while his mother said this and that, but mostly just this…

“Don’t worry about a thing, Lola. They are rolling out the Red Carpet for us as we speak, but we should stop off at the Healy Liquor Store and Massage Parlor and get a present for them, or something?”

Lola would have suggested a good rub-down and a glass of Healy’s finest Chablis, but B. seemed anxious to be on his way to his parents, before….

“Before what?” she chanced to ask, but he just went about whistling that top-15 tune, Along the Gravelly Shores, as they pulled into his parent’s driveway, elegantly paved with crushed Diorite, or was it Tonalite from the quarries near..

“I knew he couldn’t tell his Diorite from his Tonalite” said his father, who yelled out of the front window, just as we had stopped to examine the amounts of quartz, feldspar and hornfels in his…

“Come on inside, before you catch a death of Monzonite!” called out his mother, who loved that joke almost as much as she loved drinking her Old Red Sandstone Whiskey from Devon England…

“Lola, Dear. It’s so nice having you here in Our Healy, isn’t it Dear?” His father just snorted and nodded in her direction, before turning towards the TV and its Evening News that…”Most likely Fake News about what goes on in Washington, anyways”, he snorted again, while..

B. and I went into the kitchen, where his mother poured us a glass of Healy Spring Water with 2 ice-cubes in each glass.

“B. tells me that you are fond of ice-cubes Lola? Don’t worry. There are more where those came from” said while she plunked 2 into her own drink of Old Red Sandstone Whiskey, and leaned back against the wall letting her hair down, as it were.

B stood back up and said, “Mom. Is my pet Frog Ribbit still out back somewhere in the frozen pond?” he asked, and she nodded. He excused himself briefly, leaving me alone in that Classic Healy Kitchen with his mother.

“Now Lola, tell me why you’ve come all this way to Our Healy, when you could have called us on the telephone? We do have all of the modern conveniences, you know?”

Lola just fidgeted a bit in her chair before saying, “I need to know his real name. Not just B. that everyone else seems to call him, but his real, dyed-in-the-wool, Christened name!”

“Well, years ago when we talked about having children, we discussed what name might fit our yet unborn child best. There were Bills and Williams, and Feldspar was a popular name back then, but his father only said, “Well, was that Orthoclase, or Potassium Feldspar?” which was thinking like a Geologist, but not as a parent. We’d spend hours looking in books for Baby Names using the finest Geological Terms, but nothing seemed to fit him when he finally arrived. Then I had an idea, and that became his name!”

Lola leaned closer to his mother, when suddenly B. rushed into the house saying, “Mom. Mom. A bear must have trampled down the Penguin Fences! They are scattering like ice-cubes fallen out of an ice-cube tray!”

His father ran out of the living room when he heard the news, yelling, “It’s most likely those Gabbros again! They are a polished lot, aren’t they? What with their elegant home with its “Black Granite Steps” while the rest of us know that there is no such thing as Black Granite……….-

-but Lola frantically said, “His name. What was his name?”

-but his Father and Mother just ran out of the back door, while Lola just stood there thinking, “Just another interruption! I might have known!”

All night long B. and his Family were out and about in the minus temperatures of the Healy, that is Our Healy Area. When the sun finally rose the next day around 11am, B. came home again saying, “Well, we found all but one of them. My parents are going to keep on looking, but Mom told me to go back to our home again.”

On the train Lola looked over to B. who was sleeping on the seat across from her. She still didn’t know his name, but it had occurred to her, that is really wasn’t important anyway, as long as they had a good life together.

As this blog was fading into completion, she heard him mumble: “Bill. Mom told me once, didn’t she, or was it Balderdash, or Bauxite, or……