Just Like They Do in Kenai

“I don’t know Lola. Shouldn’t that be “on Kenai?” You know like where do you live? Well I live “on” France, so they say….”

The Kenai Book of Wisdom – Chapter 5. Finding that Special Someone

“Today, we’ll be examining how to” – “wait a minute”, said Lola. “Didn’t you just cross out the other names of that Chapter? Trolling for Babes, or How to make her go out with you after you’d dropped your cucumber?”

“Just rough drafts, that’s all”, said by the man who would be the Mayor of Healy, if they hadn’t run him out of town on a rail..

Step 1. The two-straw method. When ordering the beverage of your choice, ask for two straws. This will entice and titillate the wonder and passion in Woman A, making her think that you are in the market for sharing your life!

“-but”, said Lola again. “What if you are titillating Woman A, when Woman B shows up? They might just want to share that beverage themselves, pushing you out of the picture!”

No problemo My Dear. Look here in Chapter 5, section 2: Catching yourself before she throws a banana peel in your path!

Example 1: A woman of means is strolling along the Beach at Kenai….No. Not on Kenai, but at Kenai, and you are sitting there on the gravelly sands, wiling away the moment wearing just one sandal on your left foot…No it has to be on the left foot, otherwise this clever ruse just won’t be working….Then she might casually say, “Seen any Penguins today in the Cook Inlet?” which is a very clever, and typical come-on line used by Kenaians, while you reply, “Well, Yes I Have! and the darned bird just flew away with my left sandal!”

“I can’t understand how anyone could call this written balderdash, Wisdom? Penguins don’t fly, you know, so how is he going to convince this poor, confused woman that he is telling her the truth?”

Well, this is where Woman B enters the picture. She tells her friend, or chance companion, Woman A that my story sounds as if someone from up North was pulling her left fetlock, while she might reply,”Are you sure this is the truth, and not just a way to get me to share your beverage of choice with that very enticing straw in the cup? Her friend  might just say, “Are you falling for his stories, while Woman A says, “But he is so cute with just one sandal on his foot! Then they might just….

“Are we really getting anywhere at all with this story?” said while brushing off the sand from her left foot, where that darn sticky alluvial matter from the beaches along the Cook Inlet had stuck onto her, like, like….”darn it! Another good place to insert a Metaphor, but are they just flying about wanting someone to catch them? Well, the answer is No of course”, said by the man, who after being run out of Healy on that rail, met the woman of mystery on the Alaska Express with course towards the Kenai Peninsula!

She was one of those Beach Groupies, you know? He told his story while she sucked on his beverage of choice through straw number 2, just like the book had said. She wanted to hang out on every beach in Alaska. Catching those rays, while the Penguins played in the background. It was there that she met him, that otherwise Sunny November Day with a temperature below freezing and a set of blue lips that would drive any man to the next town for a cup of hot coffee! “Anything to please her” was what I ended up saying to myself, standing there along the Sterling Highway, with her by my side, while we tried to hitch our way towards Homer.

She just lie there on my bed, thumbing through my magazine, “Sands of Kenai Monthly” while sipping on my beverage of choice! She just reached over towards me and whispered, “Homer Alaska?” with a look of anticipation in her eyes, and sand on her ankles. My father would have told me something like, “Go for the Gold Boy” but with him being a Geologist and all, I wouldn’t be sure if that was that soft shiny metal, or was he referring to something else? So close to touch, I thought, as I brushed the sand off her kneecaps and said,”….

“It seems to me that you are pretty darn personal with someone, you’d just met! Brushing sand off her lower extremities, while wondering what will happen when she has sucked your beverage of choice, dry as the sands of the Upper Kenai Peninsula?”

I don’t know about you Lola, but all this talk of my beverage of choice going dry has made me thirstier than is written at the end of Chapter 5: When Her Dry Lips Met Yours.

This is accomplished while you have both agreed on a plan of action, whether to make love then and there, or should you journey to the refrigerator in the other room and find some cool cucumbers to place on your lips? She might say, “I’ve never thought of cucumbers like that” while you might casually answer,”Would you like to see my Cucumber Collection?” then the lights would slowly dim as the Refrigerator Door closes…….